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Bio-Oil

07/22/13 00:48

Just a quick tip for people who have SH scars. I use Bio-Oil every morning after I wake up and every night before I go to bed. I've only been using it for about 2 weeks more or less, and I've already noticed a slight difference. The older scars seem to be getting lighter and lighter. I will update after the recommended 3-month use, but so far I really love this product. It was only like $11 at Vitamin Shoppe. It can inspire us to stop SH for good!

By sarahwolfe • Albums: sarahwolfe

So, this past week, I've been really into healthy eating. In particular, I've been really into making these super healthy green smoothies. Not only do they fill me up a lot for breakfast, but they include so many nutrients from fruits, vegetables, and superfoods. It's not like it's the final solution for me that has changed everything, because let's face it, a smoothie can't just cure years of binge eating and unhealthy eating, but it's just a little something that makes me feel like I'm taking better care of myself. It also inspires me to eat healthier in other meals, and to also work on that end-of-the-month weight loss goal that my doctor gave me. This recipe is really designed for people that have hormonal issues (esp. PCOS like I do), pre-diabetes or diabetes, or just generally want to improve their health one smoothie at a time.

Anyway, so I thought I'd share the recipe with people who'd like to try it. Be warned, it's not a Mcdonald's milkshake or anything, but it's pretty tasty for all the healthiness inside.

Ingredients:

  • 1 Banana
  • Handful of Spinach (or Kale)
  • 1/2 cup of soy milk (or almond, or regular)
  • 1/2 cup of water
  • 1-2 tbsp of Coconut flakes
  • 2 tbsp of Chia seeds
  • 1/2-1 tbsp of Cacao powder (and Maca powder)
  • 1/2 tbsp of Coconut oil

Then blend on high on your blender. If you still need a bit of added sweetness, add some Stevia, brown sugar, or Agave nectar. Eventually, when I can get my hands on it, I will add Maca powder to this smoothie. Let me know what you all think of this recipe, if you try it and how it goes, or if you would add or change any ingredients. Yay for healthy lifestyle changes!

By sarahwolfe • Albums: sarahwolfe
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Career/Education

07/01/13 12:52

So, I don't know if I've talked about this before but I volunteer as a Guardian Advocate since it's a nice little add-on to my title in Psychology and to my resume. Anyways, today while I waited in the family room for the court hearing there were other students from my school also volunteering. We all got into a conversation about classes, grad school, etc. And it just got me thinking that all these people seem to have their life and future plans figured out and I'm just kind of trying to get through each day. It just got me worried that I'm not really in the right field. Honestly, sometimes I wish I didn't have to work at all and sometimes it seems like the only way out... is a way out, you know? It's a dark thought but I thought it and I don't know what to do with it now.

By sarahwolfe • Albums: sarahwolfe

I feel like today was all about overcoming fears and taking those first steps to recovery. First, I FINALLY told my mom that I wanted to go to a therapist and she was all cool about it. She said that I didn't even have to ask her and that I should just go for it if it's what I really need. It's one of those moments where I feel lucky to have her as a mom.

The eating disorder specialist I found online seems to be a great choice. She is young, understands eating disorders (including binge eating), and seems like a sweet girl. However, I do have to wait until July 1st because her voicemail says she's away. I guess that's fine, but now it's got me thinking about what exactly I'm going to talk to her about, and if I will get myself to be truly open this time. I will try. I will try to explain this fucked up head of mine and put it all into words. She's only been in practice for 5 years but I prefer someone young, who remembers what this is all like than someone who's old and forgot all the little details already. The next thing is too, to see if our insurance covers it, or if she's willing to work on a sliding scale (like $40-60 per sessions vs. her expected $150-160 per session.) Like, I know she has to make a living, and you know, probably pay for her student loans, but c'mon, that is expensive.

Then, later that day I went to the doctor's office, well, the gynocologist, to deal with my PCOS. For many reasons, however, I've always been terrified of going to any kind of doctor if I knew I was going to be weighed at any point. I think this has something to do with the fact that when I was around 8 years old, my pediatrician told my mom and I that I was fat and that I had to be put on a diet. So there I was, the 8-year old made to eat carrots and grapes, while my skinny friends were allowed to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate-covered cereal. I also have blurry images of my family talking about weight in front of me by the early age of 5 or 6. I mean, really? You can't just let a child grow out of her body naturally without forcing these terrible thoughts into her head...?

So, anyway... I walked into that doctor's office, sat in that fucking lonely waiting room for a good 30 minutes, went in, got weighed and when it was over it was like... relief! Like... whoo, it's over, it'd done. I did it. Thankfully the nurse that did those checks was really, really sweet and made me feel comfortable when asking questions. Then, when I thought it was all over... DUN DUN DUN!!! I had to get undressed and put into these like white sheets. I asked if I could keep my shorts on because, of course, I didn't want the nurse practitioner to see my self-harm scars or anything! The nurse said that I could keep my underwear but undress everywhere else, so I did. It was terrifying but thankfully, I don't think she saw anything, and if she did, she didn't say anything about it.

So, that's was my day today. I don't know how I feel about it. I guess it was a lot of anxiety for me because I was overeating all day, before and after, but overall I'm trying to be positive. I'm excited about what's to come but also confused and a little scared shitless...

By sarahwolfe • Albums: sarahwolfe

Hello, Internet. This will just be a brief overview of myself. My name is Sarah. I am 20 years old. I'm curretly a senior in college studying Psychology. I'm not quite sure exactly what I want to do with that yet but I will figure it out eventually. I'm also currently volunteering as a Guardian Advocate.

For years, I've dealt with a few different issues. The main things are depression and the eating disorder. I'm not sure which came first but all I know is that at the age of 11 I had a starve-binge cycle going on and I was feeling extremely low without any concrete reason. I was always an overweight child so I thought I needed to lose weight immediately and a lot of it to finally be normal and to fit in. It was something I was teased about in school and I just felt ugly, worthless, and unlovable. (What 11-year old feels that?!?!)

Throughout the years, things escalated and proceeded to get worse. By the time I was sixteen, I went on these really terrible diets–like not eating for several days, or eating half of the normal calorie amount a day, or excercising on an empty stomach. Eventually, these behaviors led to some of the worse binges I had ever experienced–like when I finally got my licence at around 17/18, I would drive to places to buy specific foods and binge on them–tons and tons of food that was meant to last weeks for an entire family. I would feel terrible about it. I just hated myself so much! I did eventually end up giving up on compensatory behaviors such as over-excercising and starvation periods because it just felt hopeless. Obviously, the weight issue got worse until I passed the line between overweight and obese in the BMI scale. It was a terrible feeling. Now I still deal with the binging and weight issues, except now more than ever I'm in danger of becoming diabetic, worsening my PCOS (which is another huge issue), permanently damaging my health for the long-run, and shortening my lifespan. I feel so guilty about treating my body and myself this way. But it only makes me want to hate myself more, which makes me want to binge, and the cycle begins again.

The depression continues today and it is worse than ever. I have suicidal thoughts practically everyday, which really worries me because I don't want to go out that way. The intention of suicide flip-flops. Somedays I'm sure it will happen soon and somedays the idea baffles me.

More recently, I've started self-harming. And to be honest, SH isn't my main vice, if you know what I mean–binge eating is, but a year ago it was the only thing that helped when food couldn't 'fill the gap' anymore–it was too wide now. I believe it was due to the overwhelming pressure of transitioning from a community college to a big university. I felt that I had to be absolutely perfect and get straight A's. (And I did!) I felt that I had to be this overacheiver, and write an undergraduate thesis, and participate in extracurricular activities, and exceed expectations, and it just became too much for me. I cut on my upper thighs and to this day no one has ever seen my scars or knows that I do it. I actually have been clean of SH for about a month or more now, which is good, but when I'm really struggling, I am tempted to do it. It was a way to release frustration, to punish myself, to deal with arguments and anger. It's hard to understand, even for me.

I've also dealt with anxiety, including panic attacks. This topic I'm not too sure about on how to explain because I feel like I don't know what type of anxiety I have, (other than panic disorder) but when I understand it better, I will write about it. I also think that drug use might have triggered my panic attacks (which is another post for another time).

Well, if you read all that... thanks for listening. Have a lovely day! <3 Stay Strong.

By sarahwolfe • Albums: sarahwolfe

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