I feel like I have been brought to my knees by my anxiety/depression. I feel like I am truly powerless over it. I also know that if I just accept my powerlessness that I will be calmer. Fighting anxiety is exhausting. Today my mottos are "Easy Does It" and "Be Good to Yourself".

When I get so consumed with anxiety as I have been recently, the anxiety state becomes my reality. A relative was visiting and having an anxiety attack. After she left I started to have a rather severe attack. Anxiety is catching. For people like me it is as catching as the flu. I couldn't sleep, I felt shaky and was in a downward slide into the negative thought world. By Sunday I really felt desperate. My body felt like it was on natural speed. I needed to do something to pull myself out of it. I tried anti anxiety medicine and it did not even touch it. When it gets this bad, I play a mind trick...I mentally retire from the world and let an angel named Therese take over my body. I give her a real personality. My husband plays along and talks to Therese. While generally multiple personalities is not a helpful route to take, I find it useful as a way to calm myself down. After a few hours of giving myself a chance to get out of the fray, I could feel my body start to relax. Now Sara could wake up and begin to deal with her anxiety problem. Anxiety 101 begins: When I get like this, it helps me to look at a book where I have written down the steps I should take when I get this way. It is like not remembering someone's telephone number and having to look it up. The problem is that I forget that the book exists. I was thinking of putting a note next to my bed which will say " are you having an anxiety attack, if so, go and look at the anxiety prevention list". Currently I have a drawing of anxiety in action next to my bed. Unfortunately looking at that just confirms that I am having an anxiety attack. Art is great to show you where you are but words are necessary to move yourself off the anxiety dime. What helped this week was talking to a doctor who knows me well. After hearing me talk for a bit, he said "your thoughts are not your friends". After the session I felt more relaxed and admitted to myself that I was thinking very negative thoughts that were not connected to reality. But I have to admit that some of my anxiety scenarios engage me, so it is hard to give them up. However, the anxiety is making me feel so lousy that I remembered the list of what to do to stop believing my "stinking thinking". I am not over the anxiety attack but following my list which includes meditation, focusing exercises, reading self help books, and generally trying to separate my thoughts from my reality. This is hard work but the black clouds are breaking up and I can see some blue sky. I never did figure out how to attach photos of my art to this site so I refer you to saratarvin.org. Where I have posted my rendition of what anxiety looks like in my body with this post.

This morning I woke up and felt like I did not want to move. My husband took the car because I did not want to drive him to the mass transit center. I also told him to turn in the tickets to the ballet tonight (I really like ballet). An hour later I roused myself and all of a sudden I wanted to be part of the day. This means I am the one that has take the bus to go to the ballet and to get my allergy shot. So what happened there. I am not really sure. If I use the term "me" as the Depressed/Anxiety person and "I" as that indefinable part that promotes reasoned and sound thoughts, I can then try to write about it. The "I" understands that most of my thoughts are crap, but if I am so very involved in my "me" dialogue that "I" can not surface. So how can I tap into the "I". First, what is bothering me? Well, one of my children is visiting and is in the midst of a very serious anxiety attack. She can not sleep. In reality, the changes in her life are very good. But that has not sunk in and is not calming her down yet. She is too far into the vortex. I am feeling that my genetic code for this disease was handed down by me to her. I have spend years blaming my father for this. I am afraid she will get angry at me for the same reason. After all, when you are feeling terrible it is convenient to blame your mother. So that is the first thing. Second, I am genuinely concerned about her and want to help. Third, her mood is catching. My "me" is in full swing. So what magical steps can I take to deal with my mood. First, it is very arrogant of me to assume I have any control over the genetic code. So that brings we to the first part of the Serenity prayer for Depressives, "God (or Higher Power) give me the serenity to accept my own Depression/Anxiety disease and my child's anxiety attack and any feelings of resentment she may have towards me". Next, I want to use my experience to help her so then comes the second part of the Serenity prayer, "and have the courage to deal with my own feelings in a healthy way". As I write this I am realizing that if I have no control over the genetic code, my daughter's anxiety attack belongs to her and not me. That is the "I" at work. How can I help someone when I feel so intertwined with her problem? The first thing is I have to realize that I can not help her when I am so emotionally involved and a bit confused about who is really having the anxiety attack. So do I walk away? The answer is "yes" if my "me" is running the show. But if I can get in touch with my "I" then it is from that place that I can be helpful. So now the third part of the Serenity pray comes into play, I will pray for the "wisdom to know the difference between my "me" state of mind and my "I" state of mind". Going to the ballet tonight is part of getting the "me" state of mind to quiet down and let the "I" state of mind shine through.

I am just coming out (hopefully) of an anxiety attack. I am an artist and I am in the middle of a big project. I was feeling like my whole being was being transferred to the canvas. Very scary stuff!!!!!! I went out to run some errands and I thought I was going to fall apart. So I went home and asked my husband to stop working and focus on how I could calm down. We both went out and looked at the painting and he said it was great but clearly not done. He locked the studio and told me to take 4 days off from the painting. I immediately relaxed. I was scared to stop because in the past I have done some great work and then not done much for months at a time. I once did not paint for 5 years. I never paint when I feel depressed. Right now I am trying to work on art or art related matters at least 4 days a week. I am trying to build a work routine. So even thought this painting is off limits I can draw to give some place for my artistic energy to go that is non threatening. I always worry that depression will rear it's ugly head.

I just was writing this blog and my computer crashed. It is currently going through some attempted repairs that will take several minutes. But as I was waiting I discovered is that I can blog on my IPAD. This is so much easier to use. But back to the substantive topic of what drugs to take. I am currently thinking of changing. A bit scared because it is so disturbing physically to change. It took me a month to get on my current drug. But I have a quiet period for a few months, so if I am going to do it this year, it should be now. I guess I will dive in to anti depression pharmacology maddness. My current drug works but has some irritating side effects. So it is not crucial that I change. It is so annoying that they do not understand this disease better. I had my mammogram last week and this reignited my medical test phobia. It has unsettled me for several days. Now I am in the waiting for results phase of my phobia. In reality I have no reasonable expectation that there is any problem but phobias do not pay attention to reason. They take on a life of their own. This phobia makes me crazy. I know that you are suppose to wait for the postcard in the mail. But I will probably bug my doctor who gets the results earlier. She knows I have the phobia and is understanding.

In my last post which I just reread I was sailing through life having given my anger to a higher power. Well, it did help get me through the next thing I wanted to do with my art. For a month before I went to an art retreat center I wanted to use anxiety to make clear that I could not manage it and depression to just hideaway. But as it is generally the case with anxiety, the closer I get to an event the anxiety lessens. So off I went to Vermont. When I made the plane reservation I got the dates mixed up. So I was arriving a day early and leaving a day late. This meant I had to stay in Burlington, Vermont for the first day. It was okay to have a quiet day by myself. Then I jumped into the 2 week art residency with lots of energy. Where that energy came from is a mystery. I worked harder on my paintings then I had for a very long time. I had brought two pieces I had given up that I would ever finish because they were big and it took alot of physical strength to deal with them. I finished one and got half way through the other. It is now done enough that I can finish it at home. As the two week period was coming to a close, I started getting really tired even when I had enough sleep. But not wanting the merry-go- round to stop, when I got to Burlington for my one day there, I rented a car. I then proceeded to drive to a store over a hundred miles away. This is a store with a big internet business and I knew exactly what I wanted. So why the mad dash when I was so tired???? I got back to Burlington just in time to go to a jazz show in the evening. The next morning I decided to go for a ride to the ski area since the plane left at 2. However, to keep the excitement going I just got to the airport in time to check my bag. I was very stressed. Cut to the chase I was so crazed that I allowed myself to be bumped from the plane for a family that was going on a cruise. The next 24 hours were a nightmare. First the airline sent me to New Hampshire and then the next day to Boston. When I got on the plane in Boston, I was convinced the plane would crash because I was in a bad kharma moment. Well the plane made it but the bag containing all my art was missing. I was about as freaked out as I have ever gotten. The bag came 24 hours later. It has taken me about 5 days to come back to earth with any sense of comfort from my mishandling of my exit from this intensive working period. Lessons learned. On the positive side I did get myself there and I was productive. But as for the leaving part I was adrift. I did not use any of the tools I have to calm down. Instead I sought out stressful situations to keep the mania going to prevent the natural come down that comes after so much effort. I was in a trance. As so many things went wrong at the airport I went into catastrophic thinking mode as I traveled home. And more importantly I started believing the negative scenario. Once I got home I felt terrible. Should I just stay in bed or run a marathon? I avoided talking to friends. My son was home for a night, and I picked a fight. After the fight with my son, I realized I needed to slowly get back into the rhythm of my life and all would be better. And of course, that fact that I can write this post is evidence that R and R is working and was needed. Next time I will plan for a let down period and try to avoid manic behavior.

The last few days I have come to realize that I am very angry that I inherited this disease and that it is making it difficult for me to go forward with my life. Hard to be mad at ancestors since they suffered from this without the help that 21st century medicine offers. So who to be mad at...my favorite person is myself and then God. I am doing all the things I have talked about in this blog to relieve the symptoms of Depression/Anxiety (anti depressives, meditation etc.) but the anger is different. I am powerless around it. My father was an alcoholic and a depressed anxiety ridden person. For many years I went to Alanon and Adult Children of Alcoholics to deal with the family issues that come up when your parent is an Alcoholic. The classic child of an alcoholic idea that it was my fault that my Dad drank was always center stage. I used the 12 steps to guide my life for many years. Then I got Depressed and walked away from it. Naturally, my lifelong tape that it is all my fault has moved its focus from my Dad to my Depression/Anxiety. As I write this it is so obvious that the 12 Step Program would help me deal with my angry feelings about Depression/Anxiety. I went online and found a group back east (I am in California) that has a meeting about depression using the 12 steps as a guide. It fits very nicely. The first step is "I am powerless over alcohol". For me it is "I am powerless over Depression/Anxiety and my anger around it." The second step is "a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity". That is as far as I can go right now. I know at a very gut level that I am powerless but the problem has been to believe that a power greater than myself restore me to sanity. So to break through this spiritual blockade I am using a trick called "acting as if". I imagine that I live in a state of "grace" and when I meditate I imagine myself being filled with a yellow light that is "love and kindness." I can not bring myself to go to church (Catholic). So for the last two weeks I have gone to noon mass on Tuesday. Going to Sunday mass is just too much like a commitment. Today was one of those mass days. During mass somehow a door opened to the third step "Turn over your disease to your higher power." So I imagined that my anger was no longer my problem. My Higher Power has to deal with it. When I did that I had this moment of feeling like a great weight was lifted. Of course, the feeling did not last but I know now that there is something to using the 12 Steps around my Depression/Anxiety. I am still very much at the "acting as if" stage but it seems to be working.

I rationally realize I have a physical disease like heart disease. I can image that people with that disease have bad days. But they always can see the disease for what it is...bad health that may limit them but not define them. Their sense of self hood is still alive. Depression/Anxiety disease is different because the disease attacks your self hood. It is so easy to believe the Depression/Anxiety story line because it feels so very real. It is a bit like having Alzheimer disease, you believe a different reality then the one that is actually before you. So what to do???? One option is to write everyday what you did. This is not a diary where you talk about how you feel. This is a factual diary. For example, "I went to work, had tacos for lunch, went to a movie, etc, etc." When I am having a bad day and I think what is the point of going on, RED LIGHT ALERT! I have written instructions of what to do. First, I have to recognize it is a bad day and not a new reality. Then I go to the diary and look at the activities I have been up to in the past week. Even though it is the last thing I want to do, I make a daily schedule of activity. I try to keep busy and follow it but I know it won't be perfect. I am doing good if I buy into this idea at whatever level. Then move forward...if I think this would last for 12 hours I could certainly do it. It is the fear that it will last forever that is so scary. It is the old one day at a time, one hour at a time or one minute at a time concept. All tools to stay in the present and feel the pain and then move on. So yesterday was a bad day. I knew it when I woke up. I was fine the day before so what happened. I do not know. But I have a disease that no know really understands and I have to accept that the disease will act up and I will not understand on a rational level what happened. So RED ALERT kicks in. I wrote out a schedule and decided that I had time in my work schedule (I work for myself at home)to go to a movie. I had not been to one in awhile. So I followed my written schedule in the morning and then went to see "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy". It was no where as good as the PBS episodes with Alex Guiness. SO I was disappointed. But I went right to the movie store and got the version I liked and started to watch it when I got home. My husband called and wanted me to come out in the rain and pick him up about 30 minutes away. At first I said take a cab but then he offered to take me out for dinner at my favorite restaurant. Reluctantly I agreed. The dinner was great and I had to admit I was glad I went out. Then I wrote the facts of the day in my diary. So today I am better, no clue why. It is a day to day thing.

It is January 11 and I am just coming down from the holidays  I had alot of fun seeing my family and friends but I abandoned my anti depression/anxiety game plan. So now that the sugar, unhealthy food, parties, presents and religious aspects of the season are over, I am depressed. Now to be fair I have had the January blues most of my life, even pre depression. But depression is beyond the blues.  I am having negative thoughts that are unrelated to reality and I want to hide in the house.  Also if I do go out I want to spend money on credit and eat sugar, great ways to keep the worst of the depression at bay for a short time. Of course, the problem with going that route is that you end up with debt and having to get off sugar. So what should I do? First, since I wake up in a fog each morning I make myself sit down and put together a schedule for the day.  This is my third day of being on the schedule and I am feeling better.  I am slowly finding my center. The schedule goes like this, first I meditate, then do body stretches. Next I spend some time getting all the holiday stuff put away.  For example, I took the lights off the tree yesterday. I do not do too much around the Christmas stuff because it makes me feel anxious.  However, having all this Christmas stuff around also makes me feel anxious. So I am trying to find a balance.  Next, my bedroom was a mess with lots of clothes and other junk all around, so I cleaned that up yesterday. It is hard to calm down when you immediate space is in chaos.  But hard to clean up chaos when you are down. Today is business day.  I have opened my mail and realize I need to respond to some things but have not focused on it yet. My first job is to get my medications changed over to the new medicine provider.  I just found the sheet that tells me what to do.  Hopefully I will do something around this today. As I write this I am formally reminding myself that I need some refills on my anti-depression medications soon.  I like to wait until I am close to being out and then act in a crisis mode.  I also need to spend an hour on a painting that will be linked to this post.  I am working on setting that link up, another job.  Finally I need to exercise today.  I have an organized class I am going to at 4.  As I write this I am dreading leaving the house and going to the class. The class is small and I am expected.  Duty usually works as a motivator for me. So tha my story for now.

I am in Europe for both business and pleasure for a few weeks.   I arrived in Berlin yesterday afternoon and got to my hotel room and wondered what anti depressive and anxiety drugs I should take.  I fell asleep before taking anything.  At about 5 in the evening I woke up and wondered if I should take the morning pills which I had skipped because of the time change or the evening ones.   I went with the evening ones on the theory that I had to get on the right time.

Today I awoke really early and spent a number of hours having an intense talk with my son in my head.  It is a conversation I never plan to actually have with him.  So what a waste of time.  Additionally, it activated my negative thought process.   I need to remind myself that "my thoughts are not my friends."  When I am awake in the middle of the night I should occupy my mind with a book or I will start to ruminate and ruminating always take me to a bad place.

 

An old dear friend has had a relapse of his prostate cancer this fall, and there are no further treatments.  So he is waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Initially, I spoke to him on the phone and said I would come to his job, so we could have a quiet lunch and talk about what it feels like to be in his situation.  But I never did it.  The reason I offered to see him was that I have been in the same situation . . . around skin cancer, melanoma, etc.   In fact,  it was this diagnosis that pushed me into my 25-year-long battle with Depression/Anxiety.   I was told in 1985 that I was going to die soon.  The good news is that I survived.  The bad news is that I did not know I was going to survive, and for about 15 years, I kept waiting for something to happen, hence the Depression/Anxiety.  For reasons that not even the doctors understand, the cancer went into remission.  The Depression/Anxiety has chosen to hang on.

So back to my friend.  I am going to see him on Thanksgiving, and  I wonder why I have not called him for our one-on-one.   First, I have been going through a bad patch with my Depressive/Anxiety, and I am reluctant to get involved in anything that would  be  upsetting. Second,  while I can commiserate with him about how hard it is to wait around to find out which day you are going to die on, the problem is that I did not die.  I know that my storyis used by my doctors with melanoma patients as a ray of hope.  I will undoubtedly do the same with him.  "I survived against the odds, so will you."   But I will also have to tell him the awful truth that being so violently anxious about how long I was going to remain on earth required me to live hour-by-hour for years.

Now I should add that I am a much deeper and richer person for this experience.  I think that is why I am able to portray the human heart in my art.  So, some good has come from it all.

But moving towards the seemingly unstoppable death experience is really scary.   In 1985, I got very close to death and was surprised how really dreadful it was to have pain and see my body fall apart.  I was miraculously pulled back from the brink.  But it was a haunting experience.

As I write this,  I realize that there is a big difference beyween then and now, which I know he will appreciate.  I was young and only 31, and now, we are both in our 60's.  Our children are grown, and we have had interesting lives so far.   I guess I want to say that plus 60 is when people start getting sick and dying in the natural course of things . . . it will happen to us all.  So it is not such a big deal.  Easy to say but hard to go through.

I know that on Thanksgiving I will screw up my courage after having  several pieces of chocolate with some red wine and take him to a quiet corner and tell him I am available to listen.  He knows I am one of the few people who understand what he is going through.  I want to be his listener as he go through it.   25 years ago my mother was my listener and I am so grateful she had the courage to hear me out.  I want to return the favor.  Maybe the Depression/Anxiety experience has opened up my heart to be available for this moment.  I hope so.

As the holidays approach I am freaking out.  It is not about anything in particular but just all the people including new babies (great aunt by three), parties (dear friend is celebrating 100th birthday, son turning 30), and travel (going to family for Christmas holidays).   Additionally this is a big religious holiday for me (not my family) and I do not want that to get lost in the shuffle.  So rationally all these things are good but it seems impossible to imagine participating in any of the holiday events.

So what should I do??????  Option one is to hide in my closet and hope they do not find me.  Well that is a bit unrealistic but a nice thought.

Option two is to take it a day or even an hour at a time.  None of the things I am scared of are so terrible when they are broken into small time parts.   So today I wrote 4 Christmas cards.  I did not put in a note I just signed our names.  I want to wish everyone a happy holidays and let them know we arefine.  Last year we did not send out anything and by June people were calling me asking if I was ok.  Then I had to send out a mass email letting my family and friends know that I was alive and well.  To avoid such drama I am trying to send out these simple cards.  I have gone through the address book to H.  When I think of the whole project I want to put my head under the desk.   But if I only have to do one letter of the alphabet each day, at least today I could handle it.  A further report about whether the cards actually get sent in December blog.

Why is this blog so helpful?  The idea of reporting back to whoever is reading this blog that I failed to send out the already addressed and stamped Christmas cards will hopefully prompt me into action.  We shall see.  Last week I spoke about a box I had failed to send for a month.  Well after discussing it here, I went to the post office and in a slightly choatic way (hard to describe but it was a slapstick comedy moment) I sent it off.

Thanksgiving pies.   I have been assigned the task of making the pies.  So this is my battle plan - I need to have four pies.  I will bake two - apple and blueberry because fruit pies are easier and I already know how to do it.  But for the pumpkin pie and pecan pie I am going to order them from a great pie shop.  Most importantly I am NOT going to go on and on about it in my head.  That all too familiar voice in my head that loves to tell me what a failure I am, will have to take Thanksgiving off.  However, turning that voice off will be an hour by hour project.

TURNING THE VOICE OFF.   Whenever I sense the voice is about to appear I am going to count in random numbers.  This is a focusing technique that breaks the negative thoughts up.  I have been trying it over the last week and it works.  1,5,7,3,9,4,6,7,2,....

Wouldn't it be funny if Depression/Anxiety could be fully managed by reciting random numbers.   I say do whatever works so you can live each day aware of nature, sounds, other people...whatever...there is so much we are missing locked in our heads.

Further report on posting art pieces attached to this blog.  Well I have done two things.  I wrote to the people who handle this blog and asked them how to do it.  So obvious but naturally not my first choice.  My first choice was to create my own blog as a place to put the art.  Well that is okay, I guess..  So this week I have gotten both emails and phone messages from the people running my own site asking if they help me set it up.  Freak out!!!!!!!!!   In the past I have been told by IT people that I am terrible around computers.  So my solution is to force my husband to sit with me while I talk to these helpful people.  I am afraid that I will miss half of what they tell me because I am so worried that I will miss half of what they tell me.  So having another person there will hopefullly calm me down.  Further reports on this topic.

It  is fall and I am just focusing on chores from the summer.   I have a fabulous gate and fence in my front yard that keeps the busy street away.  But it gets really dirty.   I have viewed this fence everyday for months and noted it needed to be cleaned.  I have tried  to get my husband to do it but he keeps saying it is my job.  This weekend from a deep spot in my soul I mustered the pychic energy to go out and do it!  Which brings me to my topic of the week.  How to get the daily chores of life done in a timely manner.

Let's talk about mail.  There are two aspects to mail, incoming mail and outgoing mail.  First,  I will tackle incoming mail.  Why do people or organization send me so much mail.  For example, Vanity Fair can not let me go as a subscriber.  I am of two minds about getting the magazine.  I think if I read it I will know about the latest celebrity and I will not be so ignorant of the current culture.   However, in the past when it has come, I did not read it.  It goes into the pile of books and magazine I should read.   Also, I have made the decision that I can't afford it.  But still everytime they send me another subscription request, I keep the request in my 'to do' file instead of throwing it away.  The subscription request sits in my 'to do' file as I write this blog.

In addition to unwanted mail, there is the legitimate mail that asks me to do something, like fill out a form. On my dining room table there are two medical documents that need to be completed.  The medical systems for my doctors are going electronic and they need information from me to put in the system.  I support what they are doing because it means all my doctors will have my full medical file and I can also look at it.  They need the information this week, so I have to screw up my courage and fill the papers out.  Finally, sending a box. I promised a friend over sixweeks ago I would send her a few things.  I boxed the things up about four weeks ago and even got the address out.  It is still sitting there.

So what is the trick to getting these necessary jobs done?  First, find a staging area where all these outgoing tasks can be set out. Second, proceed in steps, so doing the job does not seem so daunting.  Most importantly be gentle with yourself.  Once you do get something taken care of, you have taken a courageous step by not letting your depression keep you immobilized.  Remember "Courage is fear that said its prays".  Also, give yourself a treat.  Finally,  NEVER JUDGE YOURSELF OR COMPARE YOURSELF TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SO-CALLED"NORMAL".

When I started this blog I wanted to attached a painting a week that showed my "depression pulse".   Art is one of the ways I keep in touch with myself.  For awhile I was not doing any art and I was getting lost.  So I wanted this blog to get me to do an art piece a week to express where I was around my depression/anxiety.   However, I can not attach pieces of art to the blog directly.  So I have gotten a web page to put the art on.  Now that I have the web page, I have to attach the art.  Another thing to do.....  My web address is saratarvin.org.  I commit to having something up there by next week.

I am in the midst of a life changing event - retirement (or as one friend put it " the beginning of my community activism period").  As a person with a depressive/anxiety disorder I know that life changing events which in the normal scheme of things involve serious grief would have as its first station stop the depression/anxiety station.  I could not go through the grief cycle without an overlay of my disease.  Past experience (when my mother died) have taught me that I was going to go through grief at a more intense level. Feelings of hopelessness and longing to join the dead would be strong.

For me retirement is the end of my public life as a lawyer.  This brings up alot of anger because it had become hard for me to work because of health issues.  I am now dealing with my third new type of cancer.  (I seem to grow things)   The first cancer (melanoma) was in the early 1980's.  I was told to wind up my affairs and prepare to die.  For reasons no one understands I have lived.  However, the tension during the first ten years after I was given the dealth sentence triggered my now lifelong companion - depression/anxiety disease.  The new cancers are highly treatable but still I go into a serious anxiety period right before cancer checkups and thenafter them.  Couple this with guilt around surviving melanoma.  It makes for a messy cocktail.  When I was younger I used to say "you have it all" cancer, depression/anxiety, children, marriage and a success career. But at 60 I can no longer hold it together.  So the kid got married and the public law career had to go.

For the last 10 months I have been in serious grief for the life I had and the life that I wanted (more children (a girl to talk to0)). I was not able to have any children after the melanoma cancer.  Luckily I had a son already.   He does his best to give his parents attention but his wife's family comes first.  I can hardly complain because it was that way in my own marriage.  But it is still not great to come in second.

Also I longed for a more fun career.  While my career was very sucessful, it was in a quiet way.  I had wanted to be a trial lawyer but that became too hard when I was dealing with everything.  Also I could not leave my job because I would lose my health insurance.  Without that I was uninsurable.  I know objectively my story is not sad but depression/anxiety knows how to twist every event into a negative tale.

So now it is ten months in and I am slowly dealing with the SOS (some old shit) and looking at ways to have a new and interesting life.  I retired on December 31, 2010 and I am hoping and praying that I will have a life I have bought into in place to start the new year.    That is depression/anxiety management in action.

This weekend I have faced that it is not ok to eat too much or spend money in a reckless way as a treat because I am depressed/anxious.   I also  realized that some of the same techniques I use to treat my depression/anxiety condition such as mediation and other focusing tools can be used to quench my thirst for extra food and that dress I do not need.

Also, there is a new app that can be used on some cell phones and ipad that is a focusing system.   I have only tried it a couple of times but it seems to help me focus on the present moment.

My mind/thought process is naturally set to "google" search.  Or to put it another way I can spend much of my free" thought" time ruminating about things that have not happened yet and usually never happened.

About eight years ago my doctor suggested the a way to combat future depessive/anxiety thoughts and to stay in the present was through "meditation".   So I took a meditation course.  Initially I thought I would never be able to quiet my mind even for a short time.   Mediating is difficult.   During the actual classroom mediation I could do a body scan meditation.  A body scan involves going through each part of your body and paying attention to your breath while you are doing it.  I tried doing it at home and I had a hard time clearing the ruminating thoughts from my head.  I took the meditation course again and came up with some ways to quiet my thought so that I could mediate.  Gradually, when I started to mediate, I would imagine my brain as a computer and then I would push the off button.  But most of the time I would have to go a step further and launch the computer into space...imaging that I was cutting the cord to my thought process.  Over time I added the mantra "MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS".

I wanted to mediate to quiet my brain and because there is data that suggests that meditation actually affects the depressive brain function in a positive way.  So I try to meditate (usually doing the body scan) right after I wake up in the morning.  It is a good time for me because my depressive/anxiety thoughts have not gone into full throttle yet.   I use a tape to keep focused.  It takes about a half hour.

So after doing this for eight years I now have more control over my thoughts.  When I start ruminating about the future, or holding conversations with other people in my imagination I usually can catch myself.  Regarding the thoughts, I repeat the mantra 'MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS".   When I start one sided conversations I say to myself the person I am having the conversation with is not present.   The one sided conversations usually happen when Iam driving.

Meditation is a tool to get through the day with a minimum of depressive/anxiety driven thoughts.  While meditationt takes both time and alot of effort it does work.

I am still working on how to attach pictures of art.  Maybe next week.

My mind/thought process is naturally set to "google" search.  Or to put it another way I can spend much of my free" thought" time ruminating about things that have not happened yet and usually never happened.

About eight years ago my doctor suggested the a way to combat future depessive/anxiety thoughts and to stay in the present was through "meditation".   So I took a meditation course.  Initially I thought I would never be able to quiet my mind even for a short time.   Mediating is difficult.   During the actual classroom mediation I could do a body scan meditation.  A body scan involves going through each part of your body and paying attention to your breath while you are doing it.  I tried doing it at home and I had a hard time clearing the ruminating thoughts from my head.  I took the meditation course again and came up with some ways to quiet my thought so that I could mediate.  Gradually, when I started to mediate, I would imagine my brain as a computer and then I would push the off button.  But most of the time I would have to go a step further and launch the computer into space...imaging that I was cutting the cord to my thought process.  Over time I added the mantra "MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS".

I wanted to mediate to quiet my brain and because there is data that suggests that meditation actually affects the depressive brain function in a positive way.  So I try to meditate (usually doing the body scan) right after I wake up in the morning.  It is a good time for me because my depressive/anxiety thoughts have not gone into full throttle yet.   I use a tape to keep focused.  It takes about a half hour.

So after doing this for eight years I now have more control over my thoughts.  When I start ruminating about the future, or holding conversations with other people in my imagination I usually can catch myself.  Regarding the thoughts, I repeat the mantra 'MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS".   When I start one sided conversations I say to myself the person I am having the conversation with is not present.   The one sided conversations usually happen when Iam driving.

Meditation is a tool to get through the day with a minimum of depressive/anxiety driven thoughts.  While meditationt takes both time and alot of effort it does work.

I am still working on how to attach pictures of art.  Maybe next week.

One of the things that I find the most helpful is to take a reading of my depression/anxiety by using a scale of one through ten.  One being I am cauitonic and ten means  that I am normal.  However, since I have not gone to one or ten in recent history I am not really sure what either feels like.   During a good period I am a six or seven and bad times I am a three or four.  Taking my pulse on a daily basis keeps me honest about why I am acting in a certain way.  For example, if  I am not doing so good I have developed certain coping skills that are less than helpful.   I may still act out but at least I can mitigate the damage because I know is what is happening.   The hardest place to be is in the 5 zone.   Not bad enough to call an all points alert but not good enough to feel like times are good.  The confusing part is sometimes I think I feel better than I am (I think I am a six or seven).  I have spent so much of my life acting like things are great to other people (one therapist took six months before he actually realized how depressed Iwas because I acted so upbeat),  I fool myself with my happy act.

One thing I do to take my pulse is to paint or draw a picture.  I just let my hand make the images it wants on the drawing paper and I try not to interpret it until I am almost done.  I usually have some music, TV or book on tape on to distract my thinking mind.   I can get really absorbed in what my hands are doing.  Then as all the surfaces are covered with colors I take a look at what I made. The pictures never lie.  Generally the honesty in the pictures makes it clear that I am not doing as well as I would like to be doing or even think I am doing.  This reality check is important because I need to use tools to combat my depression/anxiety and I will not use them if I think I am doing ok (for example, physical exercise).

This is why I am going to put up a picture each Sunday that I made during the week.   I am going to try to attach this week's offering.  Take care yourself and have a good week. Sara  P.S.  If there is no picture attached it because I am still trying to figure out how to attach photos.

My motto has been "management, management, and then if that does not work more management.   I am starting this blog to record on a weekly basis how I am managing  with lots of anxiety and depression.   Well today it is not too bad.   That, of course, is why I have started a blog.  On a bad day "forget about it"!!!!!!

For the last month it has been very bleak.  At one point  I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the emergency room.  It was kind of a  fun experience because I did not have a heart attack and I got lots of positive attention.  Instead I had a very bad anxiety attack.  They sort present themselves like heart attacks.

For the next few weeks I thought I was just getting very depressed but then it occurred to me yesterday that maybe the problem was anxiety with my current position in life.  I retired about 9 months ago after a 33 year career as a successful consumer interest lawyer.  I retired early because it seemed like I just could not handle working and being depressed and anxious.   Now it seems like I can not handle being retired and being depressed and anxious.  So when I had this moment of clarity yesterday, I decided that I needed to embrace my new life.  After all, it gave me more time to do all the things I need to to alleviate my symptoms....you know, it is a fulltime job.

So I am starting this blog to record for myself and whoever reads this all the things I am doing.  First,  I have started tapping my legs.  It  is calming and disconnects something in my brain that wants to connect an anxious feeling with an anxious thought.  I hear that soon they are going to have focusing apps for yourcell phone...123...124..etc.  Can't wait for it.

In addition to writing this blog I am going to post works of art I have done during the week as one of my anti depression strategy.  so this will also be an art gallery of depression/anxiety induced art.   See you all next week.   Sara