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Scared of happiness?

Is that a thing? I think it's a thing. A thing I might have.

I'm at the point where I'm scared of being like this, as I am now, my whole life. But, I'm scared to be happy. The higher you are, the harder you fall. So if you let yourself get really happy, you're just going to crash and burn, right?

No, of course that's not right. I know that I should let myself be happy, even if it's just for the reason that it won't last, but I can't get rid of this fear. I've tried. Now I can't imagine myself having a future, if this is how it's always going to be.

Maybe that's why I have no problems against drinking loads and smoking. If I have no future, why shouldn't I smoke? That's one thing I couldn't explain to my ex, you wanted me to give up, and couldn't understand why I still smoked even though it makes me feel guilty. I seem to live off guilt - it's as if I want to make myself guilty as some form of punishment. To make a point to myself that I deserve nothing more than filth.

Finished my exams today, but still can't understand what I'm doing in uni. I want to want to be here, but I have no motivation or energy to keep it up for much longer. Maybe the summer holidays will refresh the love of learning that I used to have. Now, instead, all I want to do is hide away in my room and never go out. Just me and the internet, that's all I need.

Unfortunetely, I have friends and family that will worry about me, so that isn't an option. I can't have them worrying!

I just can't be bothered anymore.

So Why Am I Here? (and a little about me...)

I suppose I should start with why I'm here. What bought me to this website?

Well, it was a dream. Weird, right?

And let me tell you, it was a fucking horrible dream! I'm not sure if it really was a proper dream, or just me in a half-asleep half-awake phase. My head was buzzing, like, really really loud, and my eyes were closed. Suddenly, I was looking down at my arm and saw so much blood, coming from deep cuts made in the soft skin of my fore-arm.
Someone was telling me I needed to find people, I needed to go on google right that second and look up depression forum. I'm not sure why I thought that, but I didn't do it, because, well, I was sorta-maybe-half-asleep?
I tried to wake up, I thought I must be dreaming. But I turned and looked at my other arm, and there was so much blood, flowing from my arm like it wouldn't stop, and I had the worst feeling ever. I knew I could easily reach that point where ha;f-dreams become reality.

I finally woke up, and didn't sleep very much for the rest of the night.

_______________________________

You see, since I was about 14, maybe younger, I've been sure I suffer from depression. I'm now 18, nearly 19,

I've never done anything about it though. I do have history of it in my family:

  • My paternity grandmother had clinical depression
  • My mum had/has depression - she had to stay in hospital for it at some point. I was young, so have never really asked whether she still has to take medication for it
  • My brother (half-brother on my mums side) secentely tried commiting suicide by ODing on painkillers. He now lives back at home and takes anti-depressants.

So it is possible. I just don't know if I want to find out or not.

What will I do if it's finally diagnosed? What if I'm not depressed, and I just can't deal with life? What if I go on medication, and just feel numb; If I feel no emotions at all?

I'm still un-sure of what I should do.

Right now, though, I need to revise for an exam I have in about 2 hours. Shit.

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