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Scared of happiness?

Is that a thing? I think it's a thing. A thing I might have.

I'm at the point where I'm scared of being like this, as I am now, my whole life. But, I'm scared to be happy. The higher you are, the harder you fall. So if you let yourself get really happy, you're just going to crash and burn, right?

No, of course that's not right. I know that I should let myself be happy, even if it's just for the reason that it won't last, but I can't get rid of this fear. I've tried. Now I can't imagine myself having a future, if this is how it's always going to be.

Maybe that's why I have no problems against drinking loads and smoking. If I have no future, why shouldn't I smoke? That's one thing I couldn't explain to my ex, you wanted me to give up, and couldn't understand why I still smoked even though it makes me feel guilty. I seem to live off guilt - it's as if I want to make myself guilty as some form of punishment. To make a point to myself that I deserve nothing more than filth.

Finished my exams today, but still can't understand what I'm doing in uni. I want to want to be here, but I have no motivation or energy to keep it up for much longer. Maybe the summer holidays will refresh the love of learning that I used to have. Now, instead, all I want to do is hide away in my room and never go out. Just me and the internet, that's all I need.

Unfortunetely, I have friends and family that will worry about me, so that isn't an option. I can't have them worrying!

I just can't be bothered anymore.

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