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So Why Am I Here? (and a little about me...)

I suppose I should start with why I'm here. What bought me to this website?

Well, it was a dream. Weird, right?

And let me tell you, it was a fucking horrible dream! I'm not sure if it really was a proper dream, or just me in a half-asleep half-awake phase. My head was buzzing, like, really really loud, and my eyes were closed. Suddenly, I was looking down at my arm and saw so much blood, coming from deep cuts made in the soft skin of my fore-arm.
Someone was telling me I needed to find people, I needed to go on google right that second and look up depression forum. I'm not sure why I thought that, but I didn't do it, because, well, I was sorta-maybe-half-asleep?
I tried to wake up, I thought I must be dreaming. But I turned and looked at my other arm, and there was so much blood, flowing from my arm like it wouldn't stop, and I had the worst feeling ever. I knew I could easily reach that point where ha;f-dreams become reality.

I finally woke up, and didn't sleep very much for the rest of the night.

_______________________________

You see, since I was about 14, maybe younger, I've been sure I suffer from depression. I'm now 18, nearly 19,

I've never done anything about it though. I do have history of it in my family:

  • My paternity grandmother had clinical depression
  • My mum had/has depression - she had to stay in hospital for it at some point. I was young, so have never really asked whether she still has to take medication for it
  • My brother (half-brother on my mums side) secentely tried commiting suicide by ODing on painkillers. He now lives back at home and takes anti-depressants.

So it is possible. I just don't know if I want to find out or not.

What will I do if it's finally diagnosed? What if I'm not depressed, and I just can't deal with life? What if I go on medication, and just feel numb; If I feel no emotions at all?

I'm still un-sure of what I should do.

Right now, though, I need to revise for an exam I have in about 2 hours. Shit.

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