I never really written a blog before and I don't really know what to do. I'm just I'm upset at the world I guess. I don't know. I always feel like I'm on the verge of crying an here lately I've been thinking about how much easier it would be to just die. I don't think I could ever kill myself I'm just I don't know if it's even possible to be happy anymore. I just I hate my life and I am always feeling like I've let my family down and I just want to give up. Just let go of everything and stop hurting all the time. This feeling in me just keeps getting worse. I try to handle it but I also don't want other people to see my pain. I know that's so stereotypical but really people? All I want is to feel happy or atleast not feel like I've had something ripped out of me. I don't know I just want to hide from people and I don't really ever want to be around my family because then I feel like I am a disappointment to them. Like today I've been trying to quite smoking so I've been cutting back by one cigarette a day and today I was suppose to smoke two. Well my aunts didn't really know I smoked and I asked my aunt j if I could smoke on her porch even though I know how she feels about it and I could literally see the disappointment in her face and I could see after that tht she isn't treating me the same. Like all the rest of tonight she hung out with my cousin t and when it was time for her to go to bed she kinda leaned over the back of my couch and kissed the top of my head but she made sure to give my cousin t a full hug and what not. Like I knew she'd say no and wouldn't view me the same but I just couldnt do the "right" thing, the accepted thing, the thing I should have done. Idk I feel like more and more they are viewing me as a failure and I just want to stop giving them reason to. I don't know...I'm crying right now writing this but it's already so long. Il be back tomorrow to write more.