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Depression/Anxiety Blog

What to do?

So I have been living with anxiety/depression for a long time and I am just starting to wonder like what more can i really do about it. I started going to a psychiatrist and he is trying different meds to see what works and all. I felt great all summer I thought we had found the right combo but then all of a sudden it didnt work anymore.  I'm not sure if it's worth being on all these pills. I hate taking pills I wish i could just use will power and somehow feel better but I know that never relaly worked bc i tried it for years. And I have tried counseling which did help somewhat but my problem isnt really anything with my life, its really just all in my head and how i perceive things, so idk how talking to someone is going to change the way my brain is. But at the same time I guess i could talk to them about how my anxiety has affected my life, It really bothers me that I waste time feeling so bad when I could be living my life to the fullest, which is what I have always ever wanted. I just want to feel happy and normal and be able to have time to relax without my mind going crazy. As long as I am busy I am okay, but once I have spare time to just sit and think I start worrying, not about anything in particular just anything or I may just have a feeling of worry. I really want to just stop taking one of my medications bc then at least i will only be on two. Maybe if I could just convince my brain somehow that I dont need to worry and that there is nothing wrong with me then this would all go away. Right now I feel okay and it's as clear as day to me that I am not worthless or stupid or any of the things i worry about, but then again I know I am going to feel that way again. I just dont know what path I should take next, I only have a month off of school and then i need to be back on my game. I know I cannot possibly fix everything in a month and this worries me. Just two days ago I had a complete breakdown while i was driving with my best friend. I freaked out and started going like 80 on the pike which is supposed to be like 50 mph and I really scared her, then i told her she shouldnt be my friend anymore that I am a bad influence but she still wants to be my friend I dont know what I would do without her. But i really upset her I just kept telling her " no you are not my friend" i thought she would be better off, but i jsut ended up hurting her feelings, then i went home and did what i swore i would never do, i drank to make myself feel better. As i drank I looked in the mirror and instantly saw my mom who was an alcoholic when i was younger, she used to drink when she was upset. I could not believe I had stooped as low as that but I wanted to just go to sleep so I wouldnt hurt myself. I woke up and my best friend had been texting me to make sure i was okay and got worried bc i didnt answer for a few hours, she took me out to lunch and talked to me and made me feel better even after i was horrible to her. She is the most caring person i have ever met. I just hate that after being her friend for over 4 years now I still have the SAME problem and she has to deal with it all the time like after over 4 years of treatment something should have changed. I should feel better by now. That's what really bothers me. The fact that I have tried so hard to make myself feel better and did what you are supposed to do see the doctor talk to someone, have good friends, i did it all and yet it never goes away. I just don't know what is next...Any suggestions?

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