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First time First day here.

I am not sure if anyone will read my blog or not. I am here to talk about myself. I am an Asian from Taiwan and moved to USA when I was 18. I do not know anything about my depression. My English is not that good I tihnk I am a bad wirter can not spell right all the time. I have always been failed from my life. I have been always be a chubby kids. I got pick on alot and I do not have sisters or brothers and I an akways bymyself. Grow up in Taiwan was not easy for me.  My monther left me when I was 15. My dad always working and I never want to bother him at all. When I went to college I was more happier for me USA is a new life new start for me thne I met my husband Chris. He is a nice man because we love each other so much we do not have money to get married then he join the Navy. All of my friends and Family are living in San Diego. When he join the Navy I did not see him for the first year then we moved to NC for three years. For my it was like Hall. No friends No car for me and 2nd year the NAvy sent him to midesat for one year. I have No skills at all then I start depress. I hate the aprtment we live. You can hear next door talking . One day there was a girl tried to listen to see what am I doing. She did that everyday. One day I hear she said :"I do not understnad why he have to married to an asian lady there are so many American out there. When I hear that I was upset. Then I use loud music to put my spearker on her side of wall and she got mad then she went outside told ppl I hate black ppl. Once she said that I am so upsad for somereason it still hunting me til this day. I was alone and Dont know what to do. I have no one help me can not even use english to explan to other ppl I am not like what she said.I feel like I am a witch and ppl are going to hate me. That night I swallo the sleeping pills. After that I was in the hospital they put me in lock down unti. They gave me alot of meds. I did want to eat or drink all I want to do is die cause I  was alone there. When they discharge me I was on so many different kind of meds. I walked like zombie talked like one too. All that years in NC was not good at all. After three years I moved back to San Diego.

Was happier then I got some kind of lose weight pills about 2 weeks later I end up in hospital again. They lose weight pills changed my brian thinks and I start hearing voices. At that time I still go to school  as I said I do not have any skills so I studied CNA. My New Dr. have tried so many pills on me. When I took one of the pills I could not sleep all night I felt like panic and something  want to kill me. Took me another 3 years to get the right meds.

Now I am depress again. last year I was happier again Found a new job and coworkers are nice.My husband is here with me. Now everything changed. One night I hear voices again I was yelling crying. Then again this condo we bought at first I did not like it because it share walls. Again! I hear the next door talking about me again. They said I hate black ppl. The reason why they said that because what happen to NC my next door was a black lady for some strange reason when I hear voices it came from her and she told me how much I hate her or something like that. It still hunting me til now. OK the new place live now when my meds did not work I start hearing things. On top of that my next door hear me talking to my husband the stoires from NC then they hear me now they also hate me so much.

I dont know what to do I wantto run away. I want to go somewhere and no one knows me but I am so depress and my DR. say I can not have depress pills because the meds I took right now is not to hear voices. The depress pills will cause me hearing more. I have panic attack so I always turn my TV on.I tried to block all the voices. At work is hard for me but I have to act like normal person. sometimes I want to die. Live a life like this its carzy. Give me more reason to stay alive. I am a loser totally. I can not even stand up for myself at all.

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