I have been sitting here for the last two hours listening to Lana Del Rey "born to die" and all I want to do is cry and let it all out. I feel at peace inside and calm but wanting to run as fast away as I can.

The last 3 weeks have been an extreme struggle with sleep, come friday I am soo tired that saturday is spent in bed, all day. Today I decided not to do that and went out and saw a friend pretty much all day and got back in at around 10. My mind is exhasuted and drained but my body is fidgety and broken. I would quite like to fall asleep for a long while.

I wish I could meet myself for 5 minutes and just explain to myself what is going on. I feel like I want to be anywhere but here.

Feet dont fail me now, take me to the finish line

my heart breaks every step that i take

i feel so lonely on a friday night

i was soo confused as a little child

we were born to die

dont make me sad

dont make me cry

I don't even know where to begin. I have been smoking on and off since I was 18 but over the last few weeks it feels like it is my only outlet. Maybe I feel like I should be posoining my body because I deserve it or maybe it helps ease the pain.

I have a broken heart and an axious mind. I havent written anything in years and I am fearful of writing a diary as I have look at my hand writing and the fear of opening up is scaring me.

I am scared of being alone yet I want nothing but to come home, lock my door and to be left alone with my cigarrttes and ash tray. Sometimes I feel like the world isnt big enough for me yeat I have not travelled beyond Europe. It's hard to explain but it isnt about me travelling but more that I feel clasutrophobic within my own skin. I am bursting at my seams and want to break free. This is not me wanting to die or anything like that. I enjoy the sun shining down, I enjoy get comfy under a blanket when the rain is pouring yet I feel painfully anxious with who I am.

Today has been a weird and bizarre day. I think my meds have finally kicked in and this feel more bizzarre then feeling very low. I know I am unhappy, I know I love too much but is this such a bad thing. All I want is peace, but what is peace in my mind, a mere chemical reaction.

I dont know what to believe anymore.

Seahorse