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Its been awhile....

Its been awhile since I've been on here.... its mostly because my mother found out i used this website and yelled at me fore being so patheric and weak that i had to blog about my feelinds to let them out. "Keep them in, and dont let anyone see that pathetic side of you and focus on your grades." is what she said to me. I tried, i really did. But i cant.  Im not made of steel, i am a human being after all, i have emotions, good days and bad days. Its been hell for awhile.....I made a friend, an online friend. He made me feel alive, loved, and wanted. He was always there for me even though he lived a very busy life. He left though, just like everyone else who has ever stepped into my life. I dont know why he lied, or why he left, but i do know that is hurt more than anything. Its been over half a year, yet the back of my mind always remembers hi,. Is he eating well, is he sleeping well, is he okay? my mind constantly questions this. I tried finding him again, knowing that you can find almost anything on the internet, yet he hid himself so well i couldnt find him at all. It's still a wound in my already weak heart.

I moved schools as well to finish my studies. i cannot quite say im adapted to it well yet, but im trying. Im actually trying to be the best at this school to please my parents. i met some people, but my mind is having a hard time trusting them with things. I always see them as being fake or soemthing i dont know why. I cant trust them even if i want to, my trust has been broken too many times already and i cant afford having it broken one more time, because that time it might actually bring me down with it. I worked hard on my studies, i got into gol honor roll this first month i was in school. Yet my brother just had to get into Principal's honor roll with a 4.0 and my effort was overlooked. My parents only brag about how smart their youngest son is, and how i should be more like him. Even he started thinking that im below him, and has taken every oportunity to insult and degrade me as much as possible.

Ive given up on finding someone to love me. When you're this involved trying to please your parents and get good grades, the imagination of having a high school romance is nothing but imagination. Besides, with as many problems i have, who would want to have a serious relationship with me? It is true that i do find some guys attractive, yet i always have to remind myself that im not allowed to like them, because unlike me, they have perfect futures ahead of them. Good grades, confidence, honor students, which one of them would want to date me, someone who is so below their status. I could just drag them down with me and marr their perfect lives. No no, i dont want to be the cause of that, so id rather admire them from afar than hurt them in any way.

However, i always find myseld running back to him. I know , I know, ive told msyelf various times its very stupid of me to trust him as much as i do now, knowing quite well that at any given moment he could drop me like he has done before and leave me picking myself up from the bottomless pits of my depression. I'm learning how to live with depression without taking any meds....its very hard. My self-harming tendencies have not left. Even if it might not be by a razor blad, there are marks and bruises on my skin that i have inflicted on myself with my nails or by banging into the edges of furniture to leave deep purple marks. Ive found so many ways to hurt myself....and its even better since now winter time is quickly approaching. He noticed, though, i think.im not sure. He's acting very weird though. He......sometimes acts as if we were a couple. Yesterday when we hung out.....he held me very tightly in his arms before parting, as if not wanting to let go. He always hugs me by my waist, pulling me close to his chest, and when i feel myself getting drowsy, he snuggles up next to me when i fall asleep. It is all so weird, he texts me "i love you" but then he says "we're friends and i love you." i dont know what to make of that but i know i shouldnt get my hopes too high up with him because even if i am extremly attracted to his forms of affection, my body craving for him to touch me, it is not a healthy thing for me and im going to end up hurt when he actually finds someone he wants to enter a relationship with and push me aside for them. But then again, i do live to hurt myself over and over again, so maybe its not going to be such a bad things....right?

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Back Again

Im back from my Christmas break. Christmas wasnt as bad as i thought it was going to be...it was hard but yet tolerable. The hard part was seeinng people geniuenly smile and be happy while I'm trying to keep myself together from breaking down. i managed though, somehow i managed to not worry anyone and pretend for the longest time.

Im back though, to my best friend of 10 years moving away, very far away from me. And although we still keep in touch through videochatting and IM, its not the same. I miss seeing her everyday, her warm smile, her encouraging words, her stupidity that made me laugh a real smile. Its all gone and i cant do anything to bring her back. I dont know why its so hard for me to cope with the fact that she is indeed gone and not here anymore. Is it depression? I know it was bound to happen, the date of her moving away had been looming ahead of us, but now that she really is gone, i dont know what to do.

He came back though, after ignoring me for so many days, he talked to me. I cant help myself but forgive him, i hate myself for being weak. I always give in, always welcome his friendship back with open arms, not know when he will drop me and walk away again. It's ridiculous how much one person can affect my life. I know i should stop depending so much on him, but he's been the only one there for me, how can i let go this feeling of security when im around him?

2015 is upon us and i have dropped so many people away from my life, in hope of finding a better life, hapiness at last. But that doesnt seem to be working at all. I want to be different but i dont know how. I try being different in many aspects but people assume that im a "rebellious troublemake teen". Is it so bad to try to be myself?

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It's been awhile. I was right. He left. The one and only person that said that cared for me and would never let me go through this alone is ignoring me. Im not sure, maybe its because im so annoying right? I just, I want to feel wanted.

I'm so depressed, i can't think straight. Every minute of every hour I'm thinking, wouldn't it be better if i were dead?

Am i really that much of a burden to people? I dont want to cry, crying is pathetic and it doesn't solve anything. Am I really worth anything? Should I continue living? There are times where I feel like im not needed anywhere, like what is my place? Am i just here to burden people? What most hurts is that when i see him we act like were friends, i act fine, i plead with my eyes for him to see that im not fine, that i need his help, that to please, please dont ignore me. But he doesn't notice, or rather, doesnt care. He looks at me like i'm nothing. I am nothing, Im nothing to him, im nothing to the world.

There is so much hurt in my heart, i can't bear to have it. Christmas is coming, everyone is happy and making merry with their loved ones. Every one but me. There is no laughter in my heart, no joy in my eyes. Am i dead to the world? Sometimes i just want to lock myself in my room and never come out. Depression is hitting me so hard, i want to give up.

Self-harm seems like my only escape. Even thought ive been a couple weeks clean, maybe tonight will be the night i break. Last time i self-harmed, i tried to commit suicide. It didnt work. I felt even more pathetic than anything. As i sit in fron of my computer once question linger in every thought:

Should i just give up and drown?

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Stopping...Not Really

I cant stop. I really cant stop .

as I cry my heart out, yearning for someone to understand me, blood trickles down my arms and thighs.

No one can hear me. No one can save me. Or is it that no one really cares?

I hate myself more than usual today. Ever since this morning that I had a bad dream and I started from there. Today felt like a complete nigthmare and it is a nightmare I cannot seem to able to wake up from.

Everything hurts, nothing unstained. I cannot do this any longer, I should go away. I'll never be good enough for anyone, no matter how hard I try, no one sees my hard work. All they see is failures and flaws.

I hate myself.

I hate them.

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People say that old habits die hard...

I can say for a fact this is nothing but pure reality.

Last year I had a thing for collection blades, the sharper the better. I had thrown them all away in hopes of recovering, but as the saying goes, I started again.

I can't say I'm sorry about it, but I cant help but feel extremly guilty about it. This time I dont think I want to get rid of my collection...

It already marked my skin, so what's the point. Last year at this time of night I would be with my friends, but now I lay in a cold room, feeling blood trickle down my arms.

I feel like I'm about to collapse, to the point where I feel numb.  I have no one now, who will save me from myself?

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