Searching For Peace In a Turbulent World

I still feel like crap. My husband is working nearly 60 hours a week right now trying to catch up on the dreaded deductible and my patience for B.S. is increasing at an alarming rate. We got the new date for surgery. We had no choice because it will take us that long to catch up on the balance and it's the last date before the end of the year. If we wait until the next we'll get hit with another deductible. I won't post the date but I'll say that I will be in the hospital on my Bday and maybe get to come home on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Joy to the BLAH. I'm kidding. I do like the Christmas music, but the silent sound of annoyance from the family is not so great. In typical fashion there are some people who are offended, upset, feelings hurt, whatever you want to call it that I'm going into the hospital at that time and messing up the rat race we run every single year. My husband and I, of course, as well as our kids won't be present for all the reindeer fun because the husband and kids want to be with me. I greatly appreciate that of course, and I don't know why others can appreciate the fact that our family has been through absolute hell this whole year and we'd really, really, really like some quiet time. Whatever. I have ZERO patience for all of this extra baggage! So, the best advice I have is; go somewhere else to be, whatever adjective you'd like to use. I'm through! I'm tired of feeling bad every time somebody who pays us no attention all year gets offended when we either don't want to or can't attend their "show off" dinners while they judge us for not having as much money as they do, or have any good accomplishments to declare. Every year it's the same. Here are the new cars we bought this year, here are a list of the new furniture we purchased this year, here's a list of promotions, clothing items, cool things we learned at work, vacations we got to take. I'm not jealous, good for them and all, but we get to the eventual So what did you guys do this year? "Worked and paid bills". Followed by the uncomfortable silence and judging looks we get. Yes I know that's a defense mechanism for "we should feel bad or something". We never ask for that, nor do we really care. We've never been into the whole "living for stuff thing". We just don't like being treated like we're not worthy of talking to because we live a different life. We're usually clawing the walls to get home and stressed out by the time we do. Why do we put ourselves through this madness every year? I did not plan for things to turn out this way, but I have to be honest that it really does work out better. Husband is taking vacation so he'll be home a bit. The kids are out of school so we don't have to worry about how to transport them the first couple of weeks after surgery AND as it turns out, we get to miss the "look at me show" and have a legitimate reason to do so. Don't get me wrong. It's not EVERYBODY, but enough to make it miserable. The ones I really like to be around I make a point to see. So there you have it, I feel like crap, but we're moving in a direction so that's progress right.

Oh my gosh!! I cannot believe this blowhole actually called back here again today. Our gay stalker has been a busy boy this week with his incessant phone calls and constant messages left for my husband. I tried. I really, really tried not to do it. My husband wanted me to stay out of it and he was handling it with the moderator. Then the guy calls and directs a message towards me. He sounded annoyed and told me if I would have my husband call him he'd "appreciate it. "Seriously? This guy has been intense calling for 4 days solid and has not received a call back. That generally means in "sane people land" that somebody doesn't want to talk to you. I think he decided I wasn't giving the messages. So my husband does finally call him back last night and tried to be nice and let him know that they were dealing with different issues and he didn't think that any kind of connection between them was going to be productive for recovery. The guy said ok. End of story right? WRONG! He actually started calling again today. I SNAPPED! I mean really snapped. I can't even remember everything I said, but I'm pretty sure he won't be calling here again. I'm still pretty geared up this evening. I am so sick of people deciding to having improper interests in my husband and not even caring that I am anywhere around! I mean even if he doesn't respond to them, or tries to politely get them away. I know he does this. He makes sure I'm around because he knows I have trouble believing it with all the other issues we've had. So far this year, I have dealt with some girl at his work and the whole thing of trying to connect online outside of work and at work and phone calls, and now this gay dude. The porn. The guys at work trying to get him to Hooters or the Strip Clubs.AHHHHHHHH! LEAVE US ALONE!! I'm so over it. I guess my husband is just too nice about things, then I have to be psycho to get it to stop because nothing else works. I mean I know because I'm married to him that he's interesting, good looking, and just cool. He really struggles with some things and tries to stay away from it because he struggles. He's trying to be good to me and not hurt me anymore. I'm sick of all these stupid people deciding he just needs a little more fun! Jeez, he doesn't do that stuff because he has poor impulse control and all the constant temptation is NOT making things any easier. Why are people so brazen? I mean is "polite" just not even a thing anymore? I hate that I had to do that. I really make an effort not to be that way. They just don't hear anything else. I grew up with a very abusive dad and well if you'd read other posts then you know. I lack tolerance for rudeness and just in your face crap like this. I really really need some peace. I told my husband the other day that the porn and this other stuff has to be removed from my life. I would like for at least one part of my life to be peaceful. So far, I'm just not there yet. I hope it's going to happen. Just once I'd like to know what it feels like to be in a healthy, happy relationship. I just got SO angry with this guy because my husband is trying to do something positive and he's in the middle of it making it skewed and perverted. What is this guy even doing there? It's clear to me at this point that he's obviously preying on the men trying to get help! If I would be cool with that then I should have no problem with him working this out with another woman with the same problem. Ridiculous! Man I'm ill! I'm going to play guitar for a while and chill out.

"Oh we're finally nearing the end of the trail, said the mistress excitedly to her captor.You promised you would let me go on the last bend of this trail." The captor responds with an evil grin and said to her; "I simply cannot do that my dear. You can't really believe that I meant what I said. I only used it as a ruse to keep you walking forward as you are much to heavy for me to carry". The mistress,now sobbing into her already tear soaked cloak looks up and said "Why?" "My clothes are dirty, my spirits are low, and my back and legs are on fire from the journey." Her captor responds. "As we reach the end, there is a caravan waiting for us. I've told them of you and they also have journey's to complete. They need a warm body to fill their needs. You have no choice. You are my captive and you will be sold to be their captive. They are not as nice as I am, and they will not pad you with lies for your comfort,so you are best to do as your are told. You have to push harder to keep going. Just keep going." The mistress sobbed harder into her cloak and knew deep inside of her soul that there was no choice. She would die walking or be killed if she stalled.Oh how she hated her captor.Her captor, with all his sweet words and supposed kindness through lies.Oh how she longed to watch him suffering and revel in the suffering of her future captors. But alas, she knew this would never be. Quietly she whispered into her sleeve through sobs. "Just keep going. Keep going." OHHH THE DRAMA!! LOL! I'm really not this dramatic in life. I just like to write and relate to what's going on in my life. Wow. This year is never going to end. I actually really don't like the song I used for the title. I'm not really into Britney Spears, but it does seem a fitting title for this post. Hysterectomy canceled! You'll never guess why. They got us on the deductible. I've been going to the Dr. for 2 months now and paying co-pays for all this and that. I paid a balance on an ultrasound, but they told me yesterday that I only actually hit $10 of the deductible with all that I've paid so far. Since my operation is not life threatening and it's a quality of life issue they will not proceed until I have paid the $490.00 balance. The problem here is that my husband barely makes enough to cover all of our staple bills. SO, the plan has always been to get this taken care of and for me to start back to work. Everything has just progressed so much with problems I didn't even know I had! I am SO OVER IT! Basically, this is what happens now. I have no choice but to get a job NOW. And whatever job I get I'm going to lose because I still have to get this operation. I'm planning to try a temp service and it's really tough because I feel so bad. Since they have done the other procedures that didn't work the problem has compounded and I feel even worse than I did. I can't do pain pills because I don't want to get addicted. My only option is to suffer and pull forward. You know what really sucks is that my husbands boss had an opening at his shop, away from my husbands area. I wouldn't be working with him, just doing assembly. Well he refused to hire me. Apparently according to my husband. He likes to hire people who like to party and girls who are "fun" to look at with the possibility of "more." He and his wife have an "understanding." Incredible. It makes me feel bad, because I've always been good to them there. Taking them donuts, pizza. Going out to get the guys stuff sometimes. Participating in shop parties. I even defended his boss once over a would be sexual harassment suit. The girl was just as much involved and no offense, but you can't act like a "ho". Love it, then when you're mad turn around and file suit. It just doesn't work that way. The hours were good, it's close to home.But he really is the jerk she says he is because dependable, good, intelligent me isn't good enough for them so whatever. My friends have also turned out to be a joke this year too. Since I've been going through this and not only available for all their B.S. they have been strangely absent. Go figure! The kids are giving me crap too. Mainly my teenager. He's all upset about how all this interfering in his social life. Man, I'm just dealing with so much disappointment this year! Anyway, most of the temp jobs are a long way off so I'm looking at either night shift very late or 4a.m. wake ups with an hour or more drive for a month or so until I have to quit. If we don't get it done by the end of the year we'll get hit with another deductible. Not to mention I feel SOOO bad. So screw the masses, pull up my boot straps and forge ahead. It's all I know.

What a wild week this has been! I went back to the Dr. last Friday. He tried an office procedure to cut the tissue for some relief. No go! I ended up in the hospital on Monday because the next plan was to do a D&C to try to dilate the area for some relief. He also scraped the lining inside.I know this is TMI and I'm sorry.I'm trying not to get too graphic lol. Well the point is it that didn't work either. SO, now I'm scheduled on 11/17 to have a hysterectomy. GREAT!! No looking for a job, have to be laid up for weeks. I am BLOWN! Well, I have to spend this week trying to get the house in order for what's coming. My husband is a wreck because I just don't think he's up for all of this. He's also attending the Sex Addiction meetings and I felt reasonably supportive at first but then in typical fashion; he picks the biggest freak in the class to connect with for support. Turns out the guy is gay .What he's doing in a support group full of his desires I will never know, and he is now crushing on my husband and won't stop calling our house. My husband called him one day for a support buddy talk and didn't block our number. Now the guy has our number, and could have our address. All you have to do is google the number to get it. I'm trying to get ready to go into the hospital. I'm dealing with the idea that I'm losing my womanhood, stressing out about needing to look for work asap, my husband is addicted to porn and fantasies about lewd women, and NOW a gay stalker is calling the house. Seriously, I don't know how much more I can take! My husband says the guy is not a stalker and he called the head guy who said they've had this problem before and maybe if we just ignore it will go away. SO that's the plan. Yet here I am, alone in the house with the doors locked. I'm already a nervous person and this kind of stuff just puts me on edge. I'm starting to feel like I've really lost myself in all of this. Who am I even anymore? I've tried so many things to rise up from the ashes like a red pheonix on a mission, but my wings keep being shot off by some redneck duck hunter in the bushes! Example: I was molested when I was 5, raped when I was 12 and had a slew of boyfriends ect. who mistreated me in various ways. I've never made good decisions when it comes to men, but I've kept trying and my husband now has problems, but he's always been willing to keep trying. The problem is that trying turns into failing. Somehow I feel I'm to blame for this,then I remind myself that we're all responsible for ourselves even so,I'm sure it has a lot to do with things that happened to me over the years. I just wish so much that I had a normal outlook on sex. I've been faithful to him. I'm just irritated because I want to be beautiful and revered. It's hard to feel that way with all this going on. I feel like if I want to feel that way, my only options are to find it somewhere else, or convince myself that's the way it is lol. Not likely. I'm a realist! I also know that stepping out is a problem compounded. I don't even think my conscious could take it! I just feel like such a troll and he cannot convince me otherwise. You know, in talking about rising from the ashes. I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and I'm SO tired now. Dad was an alcoholic, mom split when I was 3, then alcoholic dad marries the wicked stepmother who hated him the whole time they were married and blamed me for her bad fortune. The reason? Because she felt bad for me and my bro so she felt like she HAD to marry the guy since he fell asleep on the couch instead of feeding us dinner. Good grief, don't even bother if I have to pay like this for the rest of my life. I really don't see how it made anything any better than it was since we now had to deal with the abusive alcoholic and some lady who was ticked off to be there all the time. Double the fun right. Well, no. I did eventually move out and I got therapy after high school. They made fun of me for all my wacky ideas about being a family and forgiveness and all that, but I kept going and eventually understood that they were projecting and kept with forgiveness for a while. Going to their house always blew because every time you showed up they acted like they didn't want us there, but if we didn't show up they were mad. That went on for a while until I started going to college and couldn't concentrate for all their constant drama. They were convinced that each other were trying to kill the other for the insurance money. Crazy people, I got ill with them one time for calling up with some crazy stuff. At this time they were also steadily making fun of me for trying to graduate college. They always told me I couldn't do it. We got into it, they told me to go away and I did. And you'll never believe what I did then. I PASSED! Graduated and started working for an Indian Doctor who it turns out wasn't my biggest fan because he realized I was openly Christian. Uh Oh! The whole thing just deteriorated. I also made a decision to work for a Nurse Practitioner when I lost that job and made all the Doctors in the small town I live in mad. Did you know they have a whole movement against Nurse Practitioners being able to practice medicine? Not all doctors are like that, but this is a small town. I got black balled. Then I tried to go to a larger town to work and I almost got hired permanent with this one Doctor until the nurses had a friend who wanted the job, so they laid me off. My kids were failing school, my youngest couldn't potty train because of all the running him around and my husbands lack of patience. Husband was freaking out, we were arguing about the work load at home and I quit. I gave in. I came home for my kids and I've been here for 3 years. Prices have gone up. Cost of living is outrageous and the husband can't do this without my help anymore. My hands are tied right now because this has been the year of NO for KBlogger. What a load! I'm so tired and I need to feel human again. Unfortunately my mind is focused on sex and my own femininity all wrapped up in this mind screw we call life. The kids are a little older and just this year I've started to bloom some and try to really connect sexually with my husband as well as make plans for me to re-enter the world and BLAMOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm just so dang lost and he offers me no comfort because I feel like he's a main source of my problem. So what should I do? Divorce him. Take my kids and go live in the ghetto. Have an affair to prove to myself I'm still a woman? I love him and it's hard to look at this man who says "I'm still here and I'm trying and I love you" and tell him that there is no going back from this now and I have to go. It seems so wrong, but I have NO idea how to get back there with him. I opened myself completely up for him and he crapped on me! Then again, there is no time for all this because we just have to survive. I just don't want to do. I guess I am angry. How do we just find happy?

"Seriously", she said in a sarcastic tone "this year could not possibly get any worse." "Oh contrare, Princess Dévasté", said the serpent. Watch this. Wow. This year started out pretty mundane. We had the idea last year "not" to have the annual New Years Eve party because we were already have some problems with our rental house and didn't feel like having any company. The problem was with the septic tank. It turns out that people like to "take" the rent money, but they don't like to "give" any of it back if you have problems with the dwelling in which you happen to reside. I might add that the problem is still not properly repaired. They merely put a bandaid on it and there is nothing we can do about that. We also have a tree in the front yard that is threatening to take out our cars with each passing storm. Supposedly there are supposed to be people coming this weekend to take it down after a year of falling branches, broken power lines and a pretty annoyed neighbor. I'm just grateful she realizes that it's not our fault and we get along fairly well. Why don't you move? One might ask. Simple. We can't afford to. We made the decision a while back that I had to come home and take care of the kids because the oldest was failing school and the youngest was having serious bowel problems caused by the stress of having to be bounced around so much to different houses and dealing with my husband who lacks patience with children. That was 3 and a half years ago. Now this year, so far, I say so far because I realize now that even though there are only a couple of months left, more CAN happen. I was in a head on collision. Somehow I managed to walk away from that with bruises and a few cuts. The other party was hurt quite badly and I have been talking with her. I made the bad turn. My guilt has been immense, even though I know I didn't do it on purpose. She got caught in a sun glare and I never saw her. That was so hard. I waited pale faced for weeks for her to get out of the hospital while nursing myself. My whole right side was one big thick bruise. Driving again was also scary and it still is. We are both recovering physically and mentally. It's been long. Well, a couple of months ago I found a lump in my breast. We didn't have health insurance so I couldn't go to the Dr. at first. We haven't been able to afford it because it's about $1200 a month and my husbands employer didn't help pay for it. My husband basically told him he was going to have to help or he would have to leave which really wouldn't have helped for a while because of the whole 3 month waiting period at a new job and all. Well it was a HUGE gamble, but his boss agreed so we spend another month and a half waiting and running tests. The Dr. also found that my cervix didn't look right and was worrying about cervical cancer as well. I have been scared to death that I was about to go through cancer. Well good news! Found out last week that there is no cancer. The cysts in my breasts were all fluid filled and it turns out that a procedure I had done a few years ago caused scar tissue to grow in a place it shouldn't have so all we have to do is remove it. Dr. said I will have to have a full hysterectomy, but we can remove tissue for a few years to put it off a while. Why am I doing that? Because I have to hit the pavement to find employment to pay for the health insurance and all the other bills that are mounting up around us. The stress is INSANE. I also recently found out that we are still dealing with a porn addiction I thought had been put to bed years ago. It turns out that he's been doing it behind my back all this time. Oh and the massage parlor confession. I feel like my life is spinning and the only way I know to keep going is by using anger and annoyance as fuel. Otherwise I just sleep and there is no time for that. Christmas is coming, my spirits are low. So low.My husband has decided on his own to start attending a Sex Addiction group and I hope this helps. I'm really giving a brief description of everything here. I'm sure I'll blog in depth later. It's not that he's mean, or happy about it or anything. It's a long story there. I'm not even really mad at him. Maybe it hasn't fully hit me yet, or I'm just so overwhelmed with everything. His addiction limits me even more because of the paranoia it induces in me. My kids. Thank goodness. Are doing ok. We're keeping up with school work. They have activities and we try to stay as involved as possible in Church. I just feel this crushing weight. And now, I have to try to find myself in the work world. With no skills, a dead career to come off of and I won't lie. I'm terrified! That's where I'm at right now. More or less..