A email to mother which cannot be sent
By selfloathing on Oct 7, 2014 | In selfloathing | Send feedback »
A email to mother which cannot be sent and needed to get out of my system
My mon responded to my birthday wishes ...shes a nice old lady and im a bad self loathing son...caught in a cycle of self destructive behaviour waiting for the clock of life to run out on her first so that she wont have to bury her only son ...so i cant send this...i must spare her this but i need to get it out to the world even if noone ever notices its an urge ..helps me get through the autumn night in a lonely life.
thank you Mom....im so sorry to cause you grief... im just paralyzed and drifting i cant do anything about it ..i dont even want to i guess it is just to much to think about it....i feel i was Born into the wrong time ...i felt i had potential for greatness inside of me and im a total failure a disgrace to my heritage...i never wanted to be this Piece of weak sobbing useless shit i am....i failed at everything in life including my own blood...self loathing ontop of it. i just cant take it anymore ..it is all so useless dull and like undead...this life is worthless and meaningless to me..its mere existing on a biological countdown to death. Im scared and bored at the same time ,my heart is shattered, im totaly locked off inside my Soul i have naught the strength to end it nor to live life as it deserves to be lived. Im dead inside for too Long already and still cant let go and be at peace.
I just want to know what went wrong so badly so Long ago that broke me into the way i am... i cant get behind it...the circle is impedous...unbreakable, i repeat and repeat the same pattern
...something is broken
i hate this world i hate humanity by now..not individuals ...the entirety of what this world is ... a cesspool of hate bigotry and lies...i shall not give in to These thoughts..i resist but the strength it is Fading every year more and more. This sounds all so pathetic and disturbing at the same time...but who shall i tell ..you are the only one and you dont even deserve this boatload of whining shit i throw on you....
Dont be alerted i wont do anything stupid you will not have to live thru such agony i promise...
im so sorry
tears still work but laughter does not...
so sorry ..so sorry ..
i shouldnt send this crap i shall delete it before sending... is it justified sending such a terrifying Statement of despair to his own mother....
i shouldnt no ...i cant do this...its too much...and whats killing me even more im checkin this bullshit for spelling Errors...What the fuck!
