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Tears are back

I am on five different mind meds from mood levelers to sleep meds to anti anxiety anti depressant and for a while after starting to volunteer at the thrift store i thought things were turning around for me but Sunday i had  a bad crying day and again today after not sleeping last night i had another crying day.

no one sees them because i am carefull to do it in my car or studio and that is a good and a bad thing. i have no therapy coming up cause i cannot afford it. this weekend i am selling my tv set and cancelling that part of cable. i have also decided to cancell the gym tho it is only ten a month i need all the money i can keep.

loneliness grips me as soon as i get home or even before, my studio is claustrophobic and very small and i just use the center of it for the computer and to sleep on the floor on cushions..

i dont want to regress and go back.


Learned something today

I was asked at the thrift store if i would like to learn the cash register, to my surprise i had no anxiety or fear of it so i said yes i would like to learn the cash register. I did transacions most of the afternoon and did well, i am proud of myself for taking the chance to learn and keep the fear and anxiety at bay.


My two sides

The pleaser, the one who must please in order to feel whole and needed and the side effect of the pleaser, the manipulator, the one who cannot say no to anyone so manipulates situations so no one gets hurt and he comes out unhurt and undamaged. So that is what i am or part of what i am and now i am fully aware of it. i please and i manipulate, tho other people do the same?....yes....i have seen my niece manipulate her mother to get what she wants, but in my case it leaves me with no dignity in myself. That is the price to pay and that is a cause of my depression, that i don't stand up and say what i have to say , i have to subserve and be the pease maker at the expense of my emotions.



Saturday third day at thrift store

Saturday ended up being a qieter day at the thrift store because the people who price in the back warehouse were off and they had guys doing community work so i went out on the floor and cleaned glass shelves. I also, at the request of one of the managers changed both male and female manequins and i was very pleased with the way the male manequin and female ones came out. Brough  me back a sence of satisfaction even tho i am not a expert in clothing i can still change a form well WHEN I TRUST MY JUDGEMENT......we closed at four o clock today so i didnt want to come back to this empty studio.

I paced again this morning, trying to figure out why am i getting a mania attack in the morning just before going to volunteer at CASA but it is the third time it's happened and coincided with me going to do work for them.

Why is that back, i am not in the payroll, a volunteer, can arrive at any time i want and leave at any time i want so why the anxiety, why now thoes this habbit has to come back to bug me?? i don't understand it yet but i will find out why.


Saturday afternoon 6 / 1 / 13

third day thrift store

An old friend showed its ugly head this morning, i was getting ready to go to the thrift store to volunteer and i started to get anx and panic and i got up from my chair and started to pace, cant do much of it because my studio is very small but i was surprised that the pacing  came up again after so long of  not doing it.

worried me a lot that it happened, pacing was one of the manic things i did until not long ago. I really yearn to feel better when i wake up in the mornings, I feel so depressed and heavy until the last minute when i step out to go volunteer.

Did not have to use the clonazepam at the store today so that was good.

Something great happened tonight, my syster and i talked on the phone and actually covered some of my issues with meds and emotions. I am very gratefull for that.



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