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Surving me and other miricales

I'm seven and life is wrong.  I look at the world around me and wish I was part of it.  I feel like I'm living just to survive; why am I always just surviving.  I envy the life that's not my own.....their grass is so much greener; mine is literally thorns and weeds.  I find myself wondering if I have a purpose and if maybe, it's just a little too late.  I chose this for me...I'm not a victim of circumstance.  I dropped my future in a dumpster and chose love instead.  I've made so many mistakes, but, love will never be one of them.  I'm a person who came from nothing and I've stayed close to my roots.  Why couldn't I have just settled for success?  Love doesn't feed you, it doesn't feed your children.....and in time....I don't know.  I always wanted to belong somewhere.  I wanted more than anything to be in love and be loved.....I guess you can't have it all.  I used love as a crutch.....I'm so afraid of failure and the realisation that I'm nothing more than mediocre.  Average was never an option; I needed to be great.  When I couldn't have greatness....I settled for being nothing. I did this to me, to him, and to our children.  The struggle to provide seems at times.....impossible.  I envy the people at the grocery store, shopping carts full....and I'm trying to figure out how to feed five of us on a dollar a day.  I envy the well dressed women on the street and feel ashamed of me.  I hide my very worn drug store sandals as I tell myself...someday.  I envy my niece, a working mom and college student.  Why can't that be me?  Could that be me?  Then I look down at my feet and realize....I only own 2 pairs of pants, these drug store sandals.....and have five dollars in my pocket with five mouths to feed.

If I could turn back time....I wouldn't be here.  Why is life as me so unbelievably hard.  I never wanted to be this way....this wasn't the plan....But, I chose love...and now this is me

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