Surving me and other miricales
I'm seven and life is wrong. I look at the world around me and wish I was part of it. I feel like I'm living just to survive; why am I always just surviving. I envy the life that's not my own.....their grass is so much greener; mine is literally thorns and weeds. I find myself wondering if I have a purpose and if maybe, it's just a little too late. I chose this for me...I'm not a victim of circumstance. I dropped my future in a dumpster and chose love instead. I've made so many mistakes, but, love will never be one of them. I'm a person who came from nothing and I've stayed close to my roots. Why couldn't I have just settled for success? Love doesn't feed you, it doesn't feed your children.....and in time....I don't know. I always wanted to belong somewhere. I wanted more than anything to be in love and be loved.....I guess you can't have it all. I used love as a crutch.....I'm so afraid of failure and the realisation that I'm nothing more than mediocre. Average was never an option; I needed to be great. When I couldn't have greatness....I settled for being nothing. I did this to me, to him, and to our children. The struggle to provide seems at times.....impossible. I envy the people at the grocery store, shopping carts full....and I'm trying to figure out how to feed five of us on a dollar a day. I envy the well dressed women on the street and feel ashamed of me. I hide my very worn drug store sandals as I tell myself...someday. I envy my niece, a working mom and college student. Why can't that be me? Could that be me? Then I look down at my feet and realize....I only own 2 pairs of pants, these drug store sandals.....and have five dollars in my pocket with five mouths to feed.
If I could turn back time....I wouldn't be here. Why is life as me so unbelievably hard. I never wanted to be this way....this wasn't the plan....But, I chose love...and now this is me