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28
Apr

Me as a kid.

I am 22 years old.

Middle child among brood of 3 girls.

I'm a muslim.

Not you're conventional muslim girl.

I made quiet plenty of friends from school but never had a friends outside school. Our neariest neighbor was half a kilometer away. I was asthmatic and I spend most of my childhood in the hospital/clinic. Never had someone to play with when I was a kid other than my younger sister and cousins. My father would not allow us to make friends to our neighbor. As a kid, i was never close to any of my family but I was very close to one of my cousin. She was a year older. I considered her my best friend but Elai went back to her home after spending a year or two in our house. I was in grade 2 then.  My older sister, Ara is 7 years my senior. She's not always at home. She went to high school in a different town and lived in a boarding house. She always hits me everytime I annoy or disappoint her. You know how kids are. I must have done something really bad/stupid but that's all I can remember about her. She's also very pretty and fair skinned just like my father. On the othe hand, me and my younger sister always fight. I hate her as a kid. Maybe because all the attention was on her. She always cry and blames me for everything and certainly never fails to tell my parents everything. I always get hit by my father because of her. My papa as I call him is very strict and perfectionist. Commit a mistake and you run for your life. Me and my younger sister, Dida, are always expected to have high grades. Dida can keep up to my fathers expectations. Always in school plays and dances. Always bring several medals and ribbons. While I basically do nothing. I'm not good at almost anything. I can't dance, can't talk in front, can't play this and that. It was awfull. My mother on the other hand is your not so typical mother. She's not really close to her children. She's busy most of the time managing our small store. Mama did work pretty hard just to send us to a private school. Considering Papa was taking his Masters in Education, me always getting sick, us to feed, relatives who are nothing but parasites and the fact that we're poor. Mama's just as strict as my father but at least she doesn't hit as with belt, wood, broomstick or just anything almost at any part of our body. For the good part they say I was cute when I was a kid. I always play flower girl in almost every wedding back then. I think that was my only edge. hehehe... They call me Sharon, she's a superstar, when I was a toddler. They say I dance everytime they call me by that name. But all I can remember was getting pissed when I hear anyone call me that. Probably, I've out grown the name and forgot I used to love it. You know how kids are. For the most part, I'm a notoriously quiet kid for a quiet kid. I think I was always polite. Only talks when asked and just sits next to an old woman on the side when in gatherings.  I do mischiefs sometimes but not good enough for a a pretty normal kid. When my cousins left I felt very sad. We used to be very plenty and happy but now I'm left with only my sister and older cousins. My bestfriend who had been my companion to bully Dida left me. I look up to her and in some way she helped make me and Dida's gap wider. Elai hates Dida then.

At schoold, I had a friend Kelly. I thought she was my friend untill I realize it wasn't friendship. I was playing poor sidekick. How did I know? I don't know. The realization just hit me out of nowhere. But still, I treasure the time. She was my first buddy in school since I could remember. At grade 4, I found friendship with Hilton. He's been my classamte since prep. He's gay and I love him. Loved him like a brother/sister and a true friend. He did helped me through it all. Although, I wasn't really saying anything.  At the same time I also made friends with Jolie ang Harry. I sometimes went to jolie's house. We just watch tv and talk. For the most part it was me, Hilton and Harry. Things are getting better. I'm doing good at the academe, whata  change for the kid who failed history. At grade 5, I was among the top 10. I also learned I had talent in drawing. Didn't know it was a talent at all. Back then it was my way of shedding all my insecurities for being ugly, untalented, poor in academe, and lonliness. Untill, I realized it attracts people. That's how I made friends with Hilton. We both love to draw anime's which we also enjoy watching. I draw the character and she does the singing of the theme songs. It was like that every lunch. He draw something and he asks me to make it better. later, I discovered drawing can't just pull myself together, get me a friend but also talented. Teachers asks me to join slogan and poster making contest. I always won 1st or 2nd. It made me happy. I have something to be proud of or should I say my father will love me now he has something to be proud of me. Untill tragedy happened and just when things are getting brighter, My cousin did something that shuttered it all. It wasn't really as bad as anyone would thought of. He passed a piss of paper to our 1st honor that says "I'm gonna f* you Rain". It was a big BIG issue, we were in grade 5. Kid don't do that. I felt like my position as a part of a group I could call my own has been put into balance. I joined the kid who condemned my cousin. My cousin run away from home. He went to a 2 ours away town via bus from home. He was a year or two older than me. He was an uprising basketball player. (bare in mind, this is not H.S. but elementary) He probably was so afraid of my father. Thinking of it now, I hated myself for doing that to him. He was at least kind to me. His parents broke up when he was a lot younger. He has a younger brother eddy. Eddy arrived first in hour home, that was perhaps 2 years after my other cousins left. He was very young then. But my father doesn't like him. Papa don't like Eddy and Bob. So me, the budding papa pleaser hated them as well. Actually, it's not just because Papa don't like them but because Mama cares about them. Back then, what's in my mind was how come my mother cares for this kid. I have competetors on what little love my mother can show me. As a kid I hated some of my relatives. My grandfather gets sick almost every other week. He was suffering from COPD. Nobody would shed money other than my mother. And me as a kid who doesn't always have everything a kid would want hated them. I believe they are the reason why I can't have a new pair of this, or that toy or eat to this place. Nevertheless, I never hated my Grandparents because they allow me to do evrything and never hits or scold me. See I was a kid with distorted concept. I think it all boils down to the fact that I was insecure sickly and ugly kid. I don't know how to love because I felt like they will betray me or leave me. People don't notice me because I was nothing more than a plain kid. To add, I was a muslim studying in a private catholic school during the times when the rebel muslims were fighting with the government soldiers. I don't have any muslim close friend other than Hilton although I have plenty muslim classmates. But then, I used to hate my religion. hated that i was a muslim and blamed it for everything. I never talk in our native toungue because I associate it with morons/killer/poor and ugliness inflected group.  Thinking of it now, I felt shame.

 

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