About a week ago, I was on my way to my internship with the person who was mentoring me.We were on our way to leave the town, and a drunk driver slammed into our car. We weren't seriously hurt. I was completely fine physically. Flash was ok. But emotionally I was not so good. I was extremely anxous. I had a panic attack. I couldn't believe that it happened.

Ever since the accident, I haven't been the best. Maybe it's because of the accident, or maybe it's because of other reasons. But I noticed that I am more anxous and more stressed. I am not afraid to get into a car, and falsh isn't either. But I am not really sure. UGH I guess it's about time I was in a car accident...I have missed getting hit by cars while crossing streets several times now. At leastthis time I was in the car, and a car that could handle anything.

Something must be wrong with me...I am sitting in bed writing posts just to stay awake and make it past 9. I am so tired. I have been only up for 12 hours, did some homework, went to an art stroe, not much, but I am so tired.

Maybe it has to do something with my mood. I haven't been feeling the best the last few days. Not depressed exactly, just not fully okay. Where it came from I have no idea. Sometimes I feel like crying, sometimes I am angry, sometimes I just don't know how I feel. The one constant is the tiredness the exhaustion that clings to my body. I don't want to do anything. I have homework to do, I have books I want to read. I have several scrap books to finish and lots of art supplies to have fun with. Yet I don't want to do any of it. I am not in the mood. Is this depression creeping in? Is this anxiety? Is this a sign of the depression I am afraid of, or am I just reading into it too much? Writing this makes me really wonder...I just don't know. All I know is that I will put a happy face on and go back to school tomorrow, have my lesson sunday, go to school next week, and make it look like nothing is bothering. When in reality, a lot is bothering me.

A home has two parts. First, you have the material part of it. You have a roof, food, clothes, etc. Second, it's a place that you feel like you are safe. You feel comfortable, and like you can be yourself. It's somewhere you love being. You have good and bad memories.

I have two roofs over my head; my apartment at school, and my parent's house. But I do not have a true home by the definition from above. At my parent's, I am constantly watching on eggshells. I don't know what mood everyone will be in. I don't know how my mom will be. Flash doesn't fit in. They don't follow the rules I have for him. It's so clean that any sign of a mess is considered to be the worst thing in the world. My apartment is a total mess. I love my roommate dearly, but she is extremely messy. Doesn't do her dishes, doesn't put away clothes, doesn't really do much. I do all of the cleaning. She is constantly depressed. I understand that, I really do, but I am afraid she isn't doing anything about it. She is so smart, sweet, such an amazing person, but sometimes I feel like she isn't taking care of herself. And that is hard to live with. I am constantly anxous about how she will be. I get tired of the mess and cleaning. I just never know. I never know how anything will be at either place. And that takes out most of my energy.

I am on spring break, and I go back tomorrow. I am afraid of what I will find in my apartment. I am just so tired and unhappy with it. I keep counting down the days until I move out, but then that means I graduate and move back home before moving to grad school. I keep going home more often to get away, but going home isn't much fun either. So no matter where I go, I am anxous, I am stressed, and I am unhappy. This isn't fair. I feel as if I will never find a true home. I keep wishing grad school will be different. I keep hoping that things won't follow this path, but I am doubtful. All I want is a place where I feel like I am safe and accepted. Is that too much to ask for?

After spending a year applying to grad schools, I get my first rejection letter today. Luckily I have to interviews set up for the next two weeks, but it still hurts. I am not horribly disappointed, but I am upset. I am mostly gettig worried that others schools will deny me. Rejection hurst.

A professor, and the one person I trust the most on this planet, once told me this. And I will never get it out of my head.

"When you take a chance, you are inviting yourself for rejection, but you are also inviting exciting things to happen."

Sometimes I do not understand why people do the things they do. I have a guide dog, and everyone on campus knows not to pet him when he is working. That simply means, don't pet him. Period. So why do people keep touching him? Why do people keep talking to him and not me? Why do I feel not like a human? I just really don't understand why itis difficult to not touch him. He is keeping me safe. He is guiding me; making sure that I do not get hurt. Sometimes I feel like I don;t matter. Everyone LOVES to talk to the dog, but the human doesn't exist.

Welcome to my life everyone. No wonder I feel invisable and unwanted.