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I'd Like The Answers...

I've a friend who's younger than i am, but he's so mature and easy to talk to i cherish his friendship a lot. We've been through a lot also, and he makes up one of the friends i can count on one of my hands. We both attend schools but i am at a higher level than he is(he's not that younger than i am, only 2 years younger). Anyway, we hardly see each other but when we do i smile for days on end afterward...I really enjoy his company and i must admit we both had feelings for each other at some point. We hardly talk via phone as regularly as we used to, but school has us caught up so i understand that much. What pisses me off and saddens me is that throughout our time knowing each other, he has become involved with someone his age, i was crushed yes but we got over that and remained friends. I digress, that's not a problem or the problem for that matter, it's that since he has become involved with her, we talk even less, i hardly ever hear him. (No we don't ever engage in those type of convos, no we don't dwell on the past, no we have never been involved physically, not even kissed). Why do people forget about you so to speak, when other people have entered their lives? Why are you put on the back burner when they meet other people. That hurts, a lot, like hell.

Yes i am aware it could be like this because he may still have feelings for me and knows that if he keeps the friendship as close as it was, that it could be problematic for his relationship, but if that's the case i prefer to be told this. Why can't people be straight up. That hurts, a lot, like hell. Why do we have to cut back on our friendship? Why do i have to care so much? Why do i have to feel like this? Why me? Why these feelings? Why can't they just go away? It hurts, a lot, like hell. Sigh!

Fresh Water Tears

I've never noticed how salty tears could be before....3 am and i'm at it again....cannot escape these thoughts. Why me ya know? If i were to bottle my tears and extract the salt...

I remember when my mom first told me that they never wanted me, her and my dad, i'd thought at the time i really didnt need to hear that. Know what my father did last year, he sent me a letter describing the whole thing. I guess i can admit i hold the whole thing over my head. I always say that if my parents never wanted me then i really shouldn't be here ya know. I've tried to leave believe me...either i'm not taking the right substances or a sharper, more efficient tool isn't in my possession...either way, it leads to one thing: FAILURE! Or am i too big a coward....who am i kidding doesn't even matter...nothing does anymore

 

Still going with the flow

Well i have been wrong before....who knew? I'm not all cried out as i thought.

I guess the tears started when i finally messaged that lost friend. I was being harsh by ignoring him wasnt i? But he had become a major annoyance and well i had pointed that out but i guess things weren't working out as i thought. Thing is he is one of my only friends...lets call it one of my two and a half freinds...Let's just say i kick people out of my life easily either that or they leave...So naturally, I have no one to talk to...Since last night i've been hugging my bloodstained pillow curled in a fetal position. I always tell myself that i need no one. That i'm fine by myself that having friends don't matter. (Well of course you tell yourself that when everyone around you is full of ****)

But you know what i've realised, i do need someone to hold my hand, someone to dry my tears...no words just love....but who am i kidding. Can't have what you don't deserve. Can I?

Just going with the flow...

Let's start by saying that I have not been diagnosed with depression, in fact i don't know if i have it. What i do know is that there are times when i feel the lowest ever, when i think that i'd better off not been on earth in the first place.

 

As i sit here with Lana Del Rey's Summertime Sadness on repeat, I'm thinking about everything that happened last night. I'd done it again, resorted to the razor. I had broken a promise to my ex/boyfriend/love of my life, sigh i dont even know what to call him anymore

 

The tears i've shed last night...sigh sorry i know i'm all over the place, my thoughts like my life are muddled and confused; but all said and done i'll have to put up a facade in the morning, smile like it is all ok when it's not. Nothing is :'(

 

I'm all cried out i guess(well for now), seems i've utilised my tears for today as well, with the amount of crying that i did a couple of hours ago.

 

What's wrong? Oh how i wish i could say one single thing. I'm a bitter sad confused ***** Harsh? I hardly think so.

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