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09.25.2011

My story

Lets just say I live a very isolated life. I just turned 51 years old and have no friends. I'm married, but he lives in another state with his kids. I live in my parents guest house. Other than my Mom, Dad and sister (once in a while) I really have no-one to talk to or turn to in my dark days.

I was married to my first husband for 17 years and have a son that is 22 years old. My first husband was very abusive and mean. After many years of being abused by this man I got up enough courage to tell him to get out. He was sneaky enough and knew me well enough to know I had things written down in my room and used it against me to get full custody of our 11 year old son (at the time). Well he succeeded and turned my son (who was my best friend in the world) against me. At that time I lived across the street from my sister. And I was able to stay in that house. I couldn't afford it anymore and decided to buy a condo nearby. My sister got sick with cancer and my niece, who was like my own daughter started to use drugs and have sex with boys at a very young age. I felt so much guilt for everything falling apart at that time I couldn't handle it. I did try to kill myself a few times, but as you can tell, didn't get it right.

In all of this turmoil I met my current husband. We have been married 7 years next week. I knew going into the marriage that I wouldn't be able to move out of state but we decided that we loved eachother enough to try the long distance thing. So for the past 7 years we have been going back and forth. I would go out there for longer stretches of time but he'd come here more often. His family never accepted me into their lives. They are very standoffish to me and cold. In the beginning his kids were better or at least they handled it better. But now, we can't even handle being in the same room as eachother. I've tried several times to break things off with this man, but he had been so nice and kind to me for so long... for me, change is so scary and with living where I live with no job and no friends. I'm afraid to be alone. I mean, I know I AM alone... but that would really be alone.  My folks are getting up in age and I want to spend lots of time with them. But... in the same breath, I want a place that is my own. Where I possible be around other people and maybe get a job and makes friends. I feel SO incredibley trapped in my own skin. On my 51st birthday I was out with my sister and at 10:30 my dad called me on my cell phone wondering when I was coming home. I love that they care about me, but I feel so stiffled. I can't breathe! I don't know what to do with myself and I'm very depressed. Is there anyone out there with some helpful idea's? I'm a attractive, smart women and under the right circumstances have some confidence in myself. I just can't find it. HELP ME!

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