I haven't posted since February because school has kept me so busy. You'd think that'd be a good thing, like it would keep my mind off of things but some days I feel worse than ever. My friends don't talk to me anymore. They're probably tired of being around someone like me anyway. The main issue I've been having problems with is that I don't feel good enough, for anything. I'm not good enough to fall in love one day and get married. I'm not good enough to have a successful career as a journalist/writer. I'm not good enough to even keep my friends around. It doesn't help that my family hasn't really been supporting me. They don't think I can make it as a writer so I feel crappy about myself and that affects how well I do in school. In the spring, I'm going to be the first person in my immediate family to have a college education and no one seems to care. How am I supposed to make it on my own and be successful when no one believes in me? I don't really know what I'm doing anymore.
I wish I could say that things are getting better and that everything is going great. When I was little and had to listen to my parents scream at each other at 3am because they could never get along or work towards resolving their MANY issues, I thought that by now, as a 21-year-old in college, I would be happy because I would be away from them. But now, my life is completely different from what it was back then, and it's not any better. It's not really worse either. It's just there. Lately it seems like not even my closest friends want anything to do with me. It's like I'm a worthless blob that's just wasting time until . . . I don't know what exactly. Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and I was fine about being alone until I heard people complaining about how the single people are all bitter. Since then, I really have become bitter because I don't think anything is going to get better anytime soon and I'm tired of hoping that it will be.
Since my last post, but nothing has really changed. While I'm now more adjusted to my new school, I'm still unhappy here. I'm kind of dreading spending the next two years here, but since I can't afford any other university, it looks like I'm just stuck. I've always been stuck in a life I hate. I thought that would change when I would be able to move away for college, but it seems like I can't. It's kind of weird because I have spend time with friends on two different occasions. Afterwards, they said "I had a good time blah blah," and I'd be thinking, "Really? Because I was completely miserable the whole time." I guess that just shows I don't like anything anymore. I'm not really sure what I want, because I don't think I've ever been happy, but I know that I want something different than this.
It feels like everything as mainly been getting worse. The week of my 21st birthday / my first week at my university was hell. I was completely overwhelmed with everything and I still feel that way. I thought that college was supposed to be fun and full of good experiences, but obviously not. I spend 2/3 of my time being completely stressed out and doing a never-ending list of homework and 1/3 of the time just trying to recuperate from all the stress that school puts me under. I'm exhausted all the time and some days, I'm not sure if I can make it to the next. I only have two years left of school until I get my degree but I'm not really sure if I can make it. It's really hard to focus on my education and my future career when I'm completely doubting myself 24/7. I hope something changes soon because I can't take it anymore. Along with that, I'm like completely isolated now because my closest friends are too busy to spend any time with me. I have trouble making new friends because I just feel like I don't even want to try anymore. I'm not even sure what's going to happen because I feel like I'm basically breaking apart. I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to keep myself together before I break apart for good.
I've been pretty discontent lately. My birthday was yesterday. It was just stressful and disappointing. One of my best friends had said we could have a birthday dinner together, but I just got blown off. I'm really unhappy at my new university. The classes just bore me. I'm, like, not interested in anything anymore. Eh. And I'm physically drained and exhausted from walking around the HUGE campus. I'm out of it both mentally and physically. I'm really doubting whether or not I have what it takes to graduate from the university or have a good career. I wish I were more sure of myself. :/