I was first diagnosed with bi-polar at 40. I had known for years that something was not right but just never had a name to put on my major "mood swings". Since I now had a name for my problem the biggest obstacle to overcome was getting on the right meds which is still an ongoing problem. I am on meds so I thought this would be the much needed peace I had been needing for years. However recently I have another failed relationship to add to my list of failures. I don't mind every failed attempt at things after all that is how one learns. But when it involves my heart and emotional state of mind it is almost to much to bear. I have read other blogs in which the writer wants to commit suicide or is hurting themselves. I was that person at one time. I have attempted suicide and my method of choice is over dose on drugs. Drugs of any kind and the stronger the mix the better. I have taken a 30 day supply of xanax topped off with speed and a bottle of rum. But still I lived and actually with no harm to my organs, not once but on 3 different occasions I should have died. Yet God did not find it in his plan to let me end my own life. I have not tried to kill myself in ten years. That is an accomplishment for me! Although I have been able to control some things I just cannot seem to get it right in a relationship. I was married for 6 years the first time. I had severe mood problems my highs were extreme and my lows were even more extreme. My second time around was 13 years. Although a very patient man he loved other women, I stayed anyhow I put up with all the cheating, the selfishness, etc.. I just did not want, no I just did not think, I could bear another divorce. Two years after that second divorce I was diagnosed with bi polar. I just ended a three year relationship actually he ended it. I probably would have stayed. He cheated on me twice during the first 6 months and  tried to kill me. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks and bed ridden for another 3 weeks, and wheelchair bound for 3 months. This all put me on a downhill spiral and of course I started self medicating. A year after all this he found a much younger woman and decided he needed to move on. He had proposed and we were living together and the whole nine yards. Although I know this break up was what I needed it feels like the end for me yet again. I tell myself everyday that is ridiculous! This man does not define who I am but the madness, hurt, and anger of this situation is manifesting itself  into a tornado that is sucking me in and beating me beyond words. I cannot let go, I cannot stop crying, I cannot let anyone see this happening. I pray and pray and pray. I cry and cry and cry. I send him awful, ugly, hurtful messages. He ignores me and he lets his whore post pics of them on his facebook page. I feel like a stalker I cannot stop looking. It is ridiculous, it is out of control, and it is consuming to much of me. I have to stop and I have to get myself together and I cannot find it in me to do any of this. I have never let anyone consume so much of me like this. I do not know how to stop this. How is my bi polar a problem in all this??? It makes the lows much lower....I do mean much much much lower and it makes all this harder to "snap" out of.