Just got back from the doctor.  At least this one was a bit more understanding than the person I talked to at the hospital.  Wasn't my usual doctor but he was wonderful just the same.  When I told him I felt stressed out at work instead of saying find another job he suggested councilling to find ways of dealing with the stress.  "because the situation at work isn't likely to change".  Finally someone who gets it!!!  He prescribed me stronger meds and hopefully they will work.

On my way to the doctor I have lots of time to think while in the car.  Bad thing.  That's when thoughts creep into my head about how rotten my life is or I relive embaressing/akward times in my life.  You know those ones you want to forget.  They just reinforce how useless I am.  I know I shouldn't listen to these thoughts but I'm at the stage now that I just don't have the energy to do that.

I remember once, when I was very young, I'm guessing maybe 5.  My parents took me to this building.  I think it was a store of some sort.  I still remember where it was even though its not there anymore.  They stopped outside to talk to another couple.  Don't know who they were.  I remember they had a child.  I think it was a girl.  Again don't remember.  The only thing I remember is I asked her if she wanted to be my friend.  And all the adults laughed.  I was mortified.  All I can remember thinking is why are they laughing at me.  I felt humilated and terrible.  And I learned never to do that again. 

Another humiliating moment was in kindergarten.  I remember we were sitting on the floor and I was talking to someone and the teacher gave us heck.  I remember all the kids just staring at me and again I felt rotten because I made the teacher mad and I was the centre of attention.  Again I learned not to do that again. 

I think these 2 two incidents and probably there are others that fortunately I don't remember, made me into the shy kid I was.  I was afraid of someone getting mad at me and others laughing.  I also had trouble making friends.  I was never an outgoing kid and I certainly wasn't going to make the first move or risk getting laughed at by the adults in my life. 

Looking back at this I realize I'm sure no one meant anything by it and I really shouldn't let it bother me.  But its one of those memories that just keep playing in my mind.

I'm not sure if I can call my parents very strict.  I think they just had some very weird ideas about how I should be raised.  My mother also wrestles with her own demonds and for years did nothing.  Because honestly back then it wasn't something people talked about.  She was very overprotective.  I can't imagine what kind of person I would have turned out to be if I was a child in this day and age.  I was allowed to play with friends in the neighbourhood.  You remember those days when you left in the morning, came home for lunch then took off again and mom never knew where you were.  At least I was allowed that much.  However that was where it ended.

I remember in the summer we had what we called PLAYGROUND.  It was like a day camp at the local playground that didn't cost anything and you just dropped in when you wanted.  It was usually for 2 weeks every summer.  In the morning you would go and play games and do crafts, that kind of stuff. You would go home for lunch and then in the afternoon you would go somewhere.  Usually swimming at the pool or roller skating.  I think I was about 7 or 8 then.  I was not allowed to go swimming or rollerskating.  My mother's reason..you WILL drown..you WILL fall and break something.  Now I will agree I was a very clumsy kid.  I was always spraining my ankle or skinning my knees.  And one of the hang ups my mother had was she couldn't deal with me getting hurt.  So in order to protect her she had to make sure I didn't get hurt. 

Another weird thing was my bedtime.  I had to be in the house and in bed very early.  I'm talking 7:00-8:00 at night in the middle of summer.  My room was at the front of the house and I remember sitting at my window watching all the neighbour kids, who were all younger than me, play outside much longer.  And because I wasn't an active kid...remember I WILL hurt myself, I really wasn't that tired at 8:00. 

As a result of all this I turned into a kid that was shy and afraid to try anything and labeled "weird".  Which, if you know anything about kids, anyone different than them are subject to bullying and teasing. I had to endure being the kid everyone loved to pick on.  Needless to say my school years were awful.

Wow,  I must admit I'm tired of typing.  I'm tired of thinking.  Maybe this blog stuff really does work.  :)

The only thing bothering me now is the fact I have to go to work tomorrow.  That's a whole other story and I'm sure I'll get to it eventually. 

Take care.