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Eureka!

Just got back from the doctor.  At least this one was a bit more understanding than the person I talked to at the hospital.  Wasn't my usual doctor but he was wonderful just the same.  When I told him I felt stressed out at work instead of saying find another job he suggested councilling to find ways of dealing with the stress.  "because the situation at work isn't likely to change".  Finally someone who gets it!!!  He prescribed me stronger meds and hopefully they will work.

On my way to the doctor I have lots of time to think while in the car.  Bad thing.  That's when thoughts creep into my head about how rotten my life is or I relive embaressing/akward times in my life.  You know those ones you want to forget.  They just reinforce how useless I am.  I know I shouldn't listen to these thoughts but I'm at the stage now that I just don't have the energy to do that.

I remember once, when I was very young, I'm guessing maybe 5.  My parents took me to this building.  I think it was a store of some sort.  I still remember where it was even though its not there anymore.  They stopped outside to talk to another couple.  Don't know who they were.  I remember they had a child.  I think it was a girl.  Again don't remember.  The only thing I remember is I asked her if she wanted to be my friend.  And all the adults laughed.  I was mortified.  All I can remember thinking is why are they laughing at me.  I felt humilated and terrible.  And I learned never to do that again. 

Another humiliating moment was in kindergarten.  I remember we were sitting on the floor and I was talking to someone and the teacher gave us heck.  I remember all the kids just staring at me and again I felt rotten because I made the teacher mad and I was the centre of attention.  Again I learned not to do that again. 

I think these 2 two incidents and probably there are others that fortunately I don't remember, made me into the shy kid I was.  I was afraid of someone getting mad at me and others laughing.  I also had trouble making friends.  I was never an outgoing kid and I certainly wasn't going to make the first move or risk getting laughed at by the adults in my life. 

Looking back at this I realize I'm sure no one meant anything by it and I really shouldn't let it bother me.  But its one of those memories that just keep playing in my mind.

I'm not sure if I can call my parents very strict.  I think they just had some very weird ideas about how I should be raised.  My mother also wrestles with her own demonds and for years did nothing.  Because honestly back then it wasn't something people talked about.  She was very overprotective.  I can't imagine what kind of person I would have turned out to be if I was a child in this day and age.  I was allowed to play with friends in the neighbourhood.  You remember those days when you left in the morning, came home for lunch then took off again and mom never knew where you were.  At least I was allowed that much.  However that was where it ended.

I remember in the summer we had what we called PLAYGROUND.  It was like a day camp at the local playground that didn't cost anything and you just dropped in when you wanted.  It was usually for 2 weeks every summer.  In the morning you would go and play games and do crafts, that kind of stuff. You would go home for lunch and then in the afternoon you would go somewhere.  Usually swimming at the pool or roller skating.  I think I was about 7 or 8 then.  I was not allowed to go swimming or rollerskating.  My mother's reason..you WILL drown..you WILL fall and break something.  Now I will agree I was a very clumsy kid.  I was always spraining my ankle or skinning my knees.  And one of the hang ups my mother had was she couldn't deal with me getting hurt.  So in order to protect her she had to make sure I didn't get hurt. 

Another weird thing was my bedtime.  I had to be in the house and in bed very early.  I'm talking 7:00-8:00 at night in the middle of summer.  My room was at the front of the house and I remember sitting at my window watching all the neighbour kids, who were all younger than me, play outside much longer.  And because I wasn't an active kid...remember I WILL hurt myself, I really wasn't that tired at 8:00. 

As a result of all this I turned into a kid that was shy and afraid to try anything and labeled "weird".  Which, if you know anything about kids, anyone different than them are subject to bullying and teasing. I had to endure being the kid everyone loved to pick on.  Needless to say my school years were awful.

Wow,  I must admit I'm tired of typing.  I'm tired of thinking.  Maybe this blog stuff really does work.  :)

The only thing bothering me now is the fact I have to go to work tomorrow.  That's a whole other story and I'm sure I'll get to it eventually. 

Take care.

Welcome to my roller coaster life

I have decided to start this blog because I've been told that writing down my thoughts might help me deal with my problems better.  You  might find what's writen here to be unorganized, sometimes negative and downright goofy.  But I really don't care.  These are the thoughts that are floating around in my head.  Maybe by writing them down they will disappear from my head.  I don't know but I have to try something.

I have suffered with depression all my life.  I'm a 43 year old woman from Canada.  Not that it should make any difference where I'm from.  We're all the same in God's eye.  Recently I have hit my lowest point ever and realized I have to do something about it.  I honestly feel like I'm going crazy.  On Sunday I finally got up enough courage to go to the hospital.  It's been hard to reach out for help because I'm always paranoid that it will come back to bite me in the ass.  Like, I finally open up and someone uses it against me.  It's happened quite a bit in the past and that's probably why I'm scared to open up to anyone. 

Had a long talk with a social worker.  It did help a bit but some of the stuff she said made me think " you have no idea"  She said to take time for me. Take care of myself.  Do something that I enjoy.  Of course I know this and don't you think I would do it if I could.  But right now everything feels like such a chore.  I love gardening and scrapbooking but when I think about doing it I cringe.  It's right up there with cleaning the toilet and litter box.  I don't even want to talk on the phone to friends.  Again it feels like a chore.  I have a wedding coming up and normally I would be looking forward to going and dancing the night away.  However, guess how I feel now!?!?!  Just one more thing vying for my attention. 

I mean I do try to to put a smile on my face every day.  And laugh at things even though I don't feel like it.  But I'm to the point I just can't do it anymore.  I tried to talk to hubby about it.  Of course, he's never had mental health issues. (there I said it... I have mental health issues.. yes I'm crazy..yes I'm like one of those weird people you see on the street only I've done a good job at hiding it...God I should have been an actress)  Anyways, I tried to explain it was like being a hockey goalie.  The pucks come flying non-stop and at first you can block them.  But soon you grow tired and they start getting through.  Eventually you can't block anything anymore and all you can do is fall down in a fetal position on the ice and try to keep yourself from getting hurt.  That's where I am right now. 

On Sunday he came to the hospital but they wouldn't let him in because the social worker wanted to talk to me alone.  The whole time I was in there he was texting and calling..No I didn't respond.  I turned off my phone.  When all was said and done and he was allowed in he was pissed that I didn't answer him.  Then he was pissed that I didn't talk to him about what was going on.  I tried to tell him I have tried to talk to him for years but he doesn't get it.  Then he threw at me that he's stressed out too.  Like I'm making a big thing out of this.  He's stressed and he can handle it so why can't I.  I must be doing something wrong.  I'm being a drama queen and just looking for attention.  That's got to be the farthest thing from my mind.  The last thing I want to do is draw attention to that fact that I'm a weekling and can't handle life.  I mean most people would say I have a great life.  What do I have to be depressed about.  Well if I had a choice I would rather not be depressed. I know I have a very good life.  Sure not as good as some people but it's definately not a bad one.  People just don't understand this isn't something that can turn around by just changing your attitude. 

You know I could probably type away for hours right now.  There's still lots swimming around in my head but I have a doctor's appointment.  Hopefully she can change my meds to something that will work.  Anyways, I'm sure I'll be back with lots more to say.  I have 43 years of pent up issues to be released. 

If you feel the need to leave a comment feel free.  But I ask you not to say anything bad about me.  If you want to tell me about your problems feel free.  If you want to offer words of encouragement, again feel free. But think about what you write and how it might come across to myself and others that might read it.  This is supposed to be a healing exercise please don't impede my progress by being a dick. 

Take care.

 

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