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here goes

March 19th, 2011

Well here goes i suppose, i have learnt talking about whats going on helps so here hoping writing does, i started writing when i was in therapy but found it more difficult to let my councellor read my words rather than me say them,

i sometimes cant work out if im lonely or depressed, i get lonely so i then get depressed or do i get depressed and then feel lonely, depression is the loneliest place to be so my line there is blurred

i think i have may have suffered from depressed most of my late twenties and now well into my thirties BOOOOO !!! but like most people i just let it go on till my behaviour changed to the point people started to see the change, i push people away almost hide myself away from life when i get down, a) i dont want people to see me that way b) i dont want to put my miserable face forward for people to deal with c) sometimes i want to just be depressed and not have to explain myself, after all someone who shows there emotions outwardly eg someone who gets wound up easy are allowed to be that way, dont upset him he'll go off on one, when your depressed we are told to get a grip, not that easy i think depression has a grip on us, only the strong will not let it get total control. i like to think i wont let it get control but sometimes i find it hard to fight it and just let it be, it will pass always does but just wish it would pass and bugger off forever. i have so much to be grateful of in life, great friends own home, animals and no money worries , im ashamed i get down but hey im not controlling that ,

last year my dad killed himself and this made me scared i was worried i could end up that way too and really really didnt want that end , but i could totally relate to my dads behaviour and looking back on his life and mine as a child, as a adult i could see the signs i have in myself now. Him doing what he did almost pushed me into a breakdown i didnt know on a day to day basis what mood i was gonna be in, down, angry, confused or upset or anyother emoition there is,

**i strongly believe we have to go throught every emotion at some point in life, to teach us how to deal with it when it arises in life again**

i think dad has taught me more as a parent in death than in life, he has at least taught me i need to beat what is going on, i wish he had opened up and told someone i know deep down i could have got him through his dark times and i know if i was a friend i could have fixed me years ago, yet im finding hard to completely fix me,

im going to start writing on here and hope that if i use the cbt method it will help, only so much of why me can my friends listen too, and im bored i having the same chats with them

at this point i have been depressed near on three weeks and i can count on my hand the company i have had with non work people, too much me time equals too much thinking equals depression, its like a fog that hovers over me when i wake up, i have a holiday coming up which means company for a solid 7 days i wont be depressed once, not once, till i come home to a empty quiet house, im going to try and try this time not to spend the time worrying about going home to the quiet,

**i want to beat this not live with it, and i will not take a anti depressant, they cover up the problem not resolve it, we are depressed because something is allowing depression  o have room in your life, filling that space with something else is the key** 







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