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It's been awhile....

A lot has been happening. Partly I just haven't had it in me to write. I've always found relief in writing.....moaning and groaning, complaining and the such. Why? It doesn't really do anything. It doesn't ease the Depression or loneliness. I hurt my leg and was off work for a couple of weeks on sick time and then I had a weeks vacation. I'm still sore. I'm overweight and tried to start walking again and did to much to soon. I'm just that much bigger. Anyway....I still want to walk and I will at some point. The worst is that my 7 yr. old Niece has Cancer. It's a form of childhood kidney cancer. They took the left one out. They say of the forms of this her's is the most common for kids that have this. It's genetic and she had it out of the box. She is home now and has Kemo and Radiation ahead. Sucks! It affects all even if I try not to have feelings. I'm not sure what they are as I just stuff.....I don't want to feel anything. I know I feel bad for her....her brothers.....her parents.....her grandparents. They have lots of friends and neighbors and everybody is helping. My Nephew is the only person that can just be and he knows that I'll do anything....which means that I'll help with money if that comes down the line. Text me the shopping list even though that's not what I asking or was planning on going to the store....What! It just is and I just do it. I try to be alone and away...it doesn't work to well. There's always something. I've tried to get a break from my sister...I think I've mentioned before....but now with my niece.....my cousin is coming in a couple of weeks and as much as I tried to not be a part it has all come back to hit me. There is no escape.  I know now that I just want to retire in fall of 2018. Yeah it might not be the ideal but I just want it. I plan on picking up some over time and cashing some of my holidays out to bring up my yr. income to raise my pension. It won't be what a thoughtful planned out thing a real adult would plan but it's just what I'm only able to do. It's OK...I except my bed, I made it. I tell myself I don't have to live alone and that I can have a life if I choose.......There is no energy left...I'm tired...I just believe that I have nothing to offer or talk about to have a relationship....that's all I want, someone to hold and be held. I don't want friends to do things with, that's never been me. Just one person.....I'll just let it go. I will retire however and do what I can to help my nephew and his family. I can be alone and the stress will be less. Cancer.....I don't have the energy to fight it or deal with it if it comes back for me............And, I don't really have the kind of support that my niece has in her friends and family(s). there just isn't anybody

Being Home....

I went to the Art Fair at the elementray school on Friday. The kids are quite good. My Great Niece did so good, she loves that stuff. It was OK for me as I don't have to deal with anyone as there is so much going on. I get to just look and interact when nessesary. Lots of cute Dads everywhere. I'm glad there are happy families out there. I have this week off and I've been able to just be home and by myself. I am going to still follow through with the drive tomorrow and I don't have to deal with anything till Wednesday. I can walk if I want or not, I'm easy about it. I have bad food and other then it being a weekend and it's noisier down staris it's fine. I just feel better when I can be home alone with nothing to do. It would seem I grew up doing nothing so it's a norm and going out and doing is uncomfortable. It took me a while to figure out why it stresses me out to do and relaxing to be nothing . Anyway..I have my Fantasy and TV and food and yes I do like to drive on the freeway, I haven't done a road trip in a long time. I'll get bored and lonely and will come home pretty fast, I'll have food and the pattern. I am making myself do this to offset the Depression because it's real easy for me to just be in the house for the rest of my life, hopefully it will be a short time. I see it is going to be hard to pretend as time goes on  but I'll try to make it work.....There were a lot of really cute Dads at the school. Sweet!

Time goes........

It's been awhile since I've written. It doesn't hold the dumping it had before, maybe. I just don't have any interest, it doesn't matter, I just don't have the energy.  i'm getting desperate about the future. I'm just getting behind I what I think I have to do. I have decided to just Retire in 2018. It's short and the money will be tight. I'm going to do as much as I can to prepare. I just can't see working the over time that would help my pension. Then there is just getting to 2018. I can't say anything about what is needed at this point. I just have to take enough care of my health for two cycles and then I can just let it go. I need to go to the dentist and I need to find another doctor, I need a new bed (bad), I need to think about a new computer as mine is getting to that age and I don't want it to die without me having one to replace it with. I regret being on the board of my HOA, which I knew I would, stupid me. I have a week off work. It seems that I just don't want to do anything and it's just filled with have too's need too's should too's. I'm forcing myself to go to the beach which is a 2 1/2 hrs from here. But why? I'll get there and turn around a come back and just regret it as I could just as well stay home. But, I'm forcing it as I like to drive and I haven't been to the ocean in awhile. It's a forcing that I think is because I'm depressed and well I think it's called balance to do something I would like and have liked in the past when the depression wasn't so heavy. I've been walking....I like it, it's a choice, it's at a time I like, it will help me get through the next 2 yrs. Everything is just a hassel. I just don't feel like doing anything. I have to clean, the cable people are bring me some new stuff as the old is not working well. I dealt with it well as It's the most important thing next to the computer for me to be alone and comfortable. I'm watching all the recorded stuff and letting the ones go that I don't really need to keep up on. Who cares about that. I'll keep pretending to the outside. I have a cousin coming and have told my sister that I don't want anything to do with it. They can stay at my place on the night I don't have to work, but I'm not going to bother getting any time off even though I'll lie and say I did and it didn't work. I won't be part of the plans and they can do whatever. I don't want to vacation with my sister anymore. I'm not going anywhere next Feb. as we do every yr. it won't come to any surprize to her. I'm not doing anything to maintain any relationship I have left. Why? Anyway.....just why period....yes I'll still go for the drive, but I'll just turn back part way as I'd rather be home in front of the tv as it takes no energy. Being out in the world takes energy that I don't have anymore. Let's see, what else? Oh yea, I'm just alone I made it along time ago and I'm not able nor have been able to change that. I won't cry, I won't feel anything, that's where the energy goes. I don't want it, it's not worth the hassel. Isn't life fun?

Good side of giving up.....

Being convinced that I'm without value and discounted as a person in this life I've lost all of the energy that was left over after I let go a few yrs. ago. I had enough energy left to make the move and "try" to make myself comfortable. That of course didn't work and I used the last to "try" to "fix it" yet again. So now that I now the situation is Hopeless, I've just excepted the noise as it is. I've once again molded myself to fit in a place i don't fit in. I've changed bedrooms I've "padded" the best I can....using sound machines once again and am able to sleep with there bathfan that is horried and the ceiling fan that could just run for days without being turned off. I just except that i'll alway hear them in my living room and maybe I'll get used to the doors. I've slept through when it happens at night, or so I think as i don't hear it, that doesn't mean I won't ever...I do get shocked by it during the day...I'm so on High alert, fight or flight response...I've always been this way, everything shocks me. My fault, I'm wrong, it doesn't matter as I don't matter, no value, discounted. I have an option that would at least make me feel better. When I retire and the big fat Kat is gone, sell this place and just rent. I would be able afford the rent as I will have an income that I can use for it as I don't have any plans to do anything when I retire. Getting high is cheaper then having a life of travel and fun, you know, a normal heathy life (?) I think, I wouldn't know as I don't have that experience. I'm trying to stay the course with my aggreement I've made for myself. I've had a couple of days off this week and have done nothing. I've just watched tv and had food and fantasy and drawn houses. The place needs to be cleaned, sorta. Anyway, my Nephew and Sister sold my mother's jewels. It only took 16 yrs. of my planting seeds tohave it happen. I left it to them as I just wouldn't believe anything anyone would say of there worth, and don't trust what they did, but it wasn't in my hands and I don't care. I got some money and all this family crap is somewhat done. My sister is paying me back the money she owes me and that will be done soon. Although I'm not letting go of the money my nephew owes me, I don't expect to see it in this life time as he has two very young kids and as of this writing no job. He'll work it out and support his family, I worry not, but I'm just letting go of that money. He'll just have to pay for my medical care when my money is gone if god forbid I live that long. I won't....I'll take care of that. All I have to do is get through 4 yrs. I need to get that energy. then I'll just let go and disapear farther into myself...I'm making sure I don't feel anything and "you" don't cry. If I don't feel I won 't get hurt. When you give up it is easier in the long run.

Defeated at last...

So I guess it's done at this point. I'll finish what plan I've got for the next few yrs. I'll sell this place and move to a rental in a senior place. I won't have anything to be responsilbe for and as I won't expect any quiet as it's a rental I'll be better relaxed as I'll just be able to get high everyday. It's the best way. The Kat will be gone, I'll be done with work. I'm not trying anymore. I just make my situation worse trying to make it better. I have no where that I know i'll be able to sleep undistrubed, there is not where that I won't hear the apt down stairs when there home. I just don't know how to do anything and I'm just done.........beat down for the last time.....devalued once again.....because I don't have any never had never will. Oops maybe in the next life. I'm not depressed as I just won't feel anything. It's all that's important now is to not feel anything. Just walk through till it's over. 4 yrs. and I'm going away even farther then I'm now. I just want to be alone at home in front of the TV and get high. Hate people, Hate the World, Hate Life. Oh wait, I don't have to Hate as I just don't have to feel it anymore............

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