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I think....I need help

Hello internet.

Today is the day that i finally open up and tell who i am. Funny how i am going to say all of this to a screen and people who have no idea who i am, although, now that i think about it, it makes sense. You see, Is it not easier to be who you are towards people you've never met, to faces of which have never even glanced at yours...Rather than to people who've known you for years? I believe it is.

I'm not going to just dive right into my story, that would be like just jumping into cold water after a hot bath. An absolute shock that is unessesary and unwanted.


People say that it gets better. That you'll find something or someone that makes all the depression, the bullying, the pain, the anger....all worthwhile. I find that to be bull. For years I've done everything i could to get better. Medication, a drink called Nuero that scientifically helps with certain things. I've been using Nuero-Sleep. To sleep all day. And all through the night. It's not healthy considering the amount of time I've been using it. But...I'd rather be asleep than awake.

One thing you should know about me is that i have a lung condition. I cannot breathe as well as i would like to, and i cannot do certain ativities (that even if i got up enough energy i couldn't do anyway). But I've started smoking. I know i shouldn't be, but why not? I think of it this way.
I've failed in killing myself so many times that I've given up on it. Instead I'd rather just slowly kill myself with every breath i struggle to take in, and shakily release.

Also i love to write. I'm what most would call a poet (although i shudder at that word) and what people have taken to calling an Audiophile. (Another word i cannot use to describe myself without cringing)

But my writing suffers due to prying eyes of my mother who believes that no matter how depressed you are, you should write about sunshine and daffodiles and love and perfect worlds. I haven't written anything like that since i was 9. And even then one could see the start of (another cringing word) condition.

I think....

I need help...

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