... a depression and anxiety blog and chat room community.

Bookmark and Share

Dark Cloud

Never knowingly suffered from depression until the last couple of weeks when it slowly crept up on me. Have had the snake of anxiety living in my belly for months tho', maybe one was softening me up so the other could get its claws into me. Dealing with so much at the moment and struggling with the scale of life.

A bit of background - married to a very understanding wife, two (pretty much) grown up daughters.

Have been through the usual stuff life throws at you, parents dying at a good old age and all the other stuff everyone goes through. Now I wake every morning with the feeling of dark dread and my gut coiling over & over. Some mornings I struggle to get out of bed, other mornings I force myself and huff & puff myself into getting ready and facing the day. Then I have to face work and situations when I would rather just curl up under the duvet forever.

I have talked to my wife, broken down in front of her and sobbed uncontrolably, everyones take on "getting a grip" is different. I get hung up on small things and single words swoop round my head & stop me from functioning.

I sit in my office & cry, I shallow breath & shake sobbing like a baby. I walk slowly, head down not wanting to make contact with others. I watch people go by happy and enjoying themselves wishing I could be the same and just feel "normal" - Jealous - Oh yes.

I've been advised by a colleague to see a councellor, to get it all out and get help but after 51 years of self reliance and keeping it all in talking to someone feels unnatural and wrong. Councelling can, I'm assured, release my inner pressure valve and help me back into life.

I'm not one to revel in me, I'd much rather get out & live but that's just not possible right now. I keep telling myself "just get over this hurdle and it'll all be ok", all I can see is hurdles way off into the distance.

I can only appologise to all the people I've marked down over the years for "not getting a grip" & "not getting on with it", I now understand the pain they may have been feeling.

What next, keep up the pretext of being OK / happy (I'm getting to be a good actor), or let the dark cloud take me ? I sink as far down as I think I possibly can then I surprise myself & manage to drop a little further.

Magic pills anyone ??

Depression Blogs - Depression Journals - Anxiety Blogs - Anxiety Journals - Depression Chat Rooms - Anxiety Chat Rooms

Copyright 2010 www.depression-blogs-chat-rooms.org All rights reserved.