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sissylynn2478

sissylynn2478

Life


Placing my thoughts for strangers to see because they can never know me.

02/19/14

08:13:29 pm Permalink If one person reads this I never have to think about it again

Categories: sissylynn2278

Please Do Not Comment

I need to know that someone else knows this story thats all.

I do not believe that this is why I'm so sad all the time. This is not the reason for all my problems, I refuse to beleive that it is.

I was four. My grandparents had died in a car accident sometime before and my father had inherited their house. I'd like to think that I was a typical four year old. I walked in on my father masterbating. He was 23 and his parents had just died ( I'm not viewing that as an excuse, just an observation. He was my dad) I remember  the porn because of how many times I ended up watching it afterwards. There  3 girls on stairs that led up to glory hole and while they were sucking, they were also masterbating. I don't remember exactly what was said or how it got to this point but he started "teaching me." We watched a lot of porn together especially in the bath tub. (this is so hard to say) My mom ( they were divorced, I saw my father every other weekend) caught my masterbating and called him. He convinced her that all that had happened was that I had walked in on him and he made me leave. ( please do not comment I hate myself enough for what happened next) He told my that we had to stop and ......... I begged him to keep doing it because it felt good I literatly begged him( I didnt know I didnt know) so he made me promise not to tell anyone to keep it a secret. It kept happening untill we ( my mom, brothers and I )moved after my 3rd grade year. 3 times stand out in my memory. The time he taught me how to use lube he bought me my own tube of it and that was when he started encouraging my to workout and get in shape. The time he asked me to show him what felt good when I played with myself I grabbed his hand and showed him. The time when we were in the tube and he had me get and my hands and knees and " arch your back like the girls in the movies" "yeah thats my favorite position." Then we moved. My mom has no self confidence, the slightest critisizm can lead to her not eating. So she never was really good at picking guys and the ones she did pick she was desperate to keep. She would tell us things like " Bob(not using real names and there were several different men) would really like it if you guys called him Dad" or " Wouldn't Bob make a great Dad." So I did what I thought I was supposed to do and I would strip for them , flirt with them ect. This lead to two rapes ( My father never had sex with me it always stopped before that) One of them hurts more. My mom was at work ,graveyards, and Bob asked if I wanted to come into his room and watch Friday. He asked if I wanted to get under the covers. I did. He grabbed my hand and put it on his dick. I remember thinking that he was really big.( This was the second rape) I cant say more I cant ( This is supposed to be me telling Everything in hopes that I will never think about it again ) When he finally sent me to my room which was right next to his I cryed myself to sleep. The next day my mom asked me if I enjoyed watching the movie with Bob. What else could have I said but yes. She hugged me and smiled " Hes a good Dad huh?" ( I have never told anyone this ever please do not comment) Big surprise here ... That dad didnt stick around very much. I had finally learned what my father did was wrong so wrong. Skip ahead 3 of my moms divorces later. There were 8 childern and at least 5 adults living in this new home ( with every break up or divorce we either moved back in with my grandparents or with the new dad) I was having a really hard time. I was angry all the time and was terrified that I  was going to hurt one of the kids( I was the oldest) So whenever I got angry I bite my arm the pain put me back on  track and I could take care of the kids. ( please remember that my mom is fragile and needs attention to help her self esstem I have to remind myself so that I dont get mad at her)  My moms friend ended up ( Wait I need to back track a little .... After Bob there had been a couple of incedents where my mom had Demanded that I tell her where I learned to masterbate or about vibrators and lube and I told her that My father had taught me both times she just walked away and nothing else was ever said about it) seeing a particularly bad bite and showed my mom. In a fit of hysteria she showed it(me) to the entire house and we even had company over. She cryed alot "look at what My daughter is doing" " Am I a bad mom"(Which always got her the compliment of no your a good mom) Some how in the choas it came out what my father had done and she cried even more "how could I have not known" " Any good mom would have known"( and again with your a good mom how could have you known) I knew that she needed the attention so I have never brought up that I had in fact told her three times. We ended up going to the police where I told them what happened but I was so sick of being shown around that I lied and said that I didnt want my dad to go to prison. ( He now has two other sons and I worry about them daily I hope that he only likes girls he never went after my little brother) That day the police questioned my little brother too. He told me that his dad never raped me and that he hated me for saying that he did. They had us go to a theripst for the biting. My mom was the picture of perfect mom holding me rocking me ect. I throw a fit about going I never wanted to talk about it again EVER. I ended up liking the theripst he ignored my mom for the most part and talked to me. He told me that whenever Ifelt the need to bite myself to bite a pillow instead and then go tell my mom. Mom would then reward me with what ever we agreed upon. We agreed that if I didn't bite myself for a week that I wouldnt have to babysit that weekend or I could get something cheap at the store. The next night the girls were being mean to me ( typicall little kid stuff) but I got angry enough that I went to hit the oldest of them. (she didnt notice) I stopped to bite myself instead stopped again and tore the shit out of my pillow. I went to go talk to mom about it ( She was on the couch with a new guy) She told me " Get over it *******(my name) and go back to bed" We never went and saw my theripst again (partly because we moved) I still bite myself when Im angry. It works. From that point on I have kept this to myself. I have imagined telling this story in front of court many times ( I did that today) So maybe I need to tell it. I cant tell anyone I know , they treat me like Im normal and I want it to stay that way . So Im putting my burden on whos ever reading this (sorry) I dont know you, you cant judge me .

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02/11/14

11:52:36 am Permalink Looking at life through new eyes.

Categories: sissylynn2278

I'm trying to understand what it means to be depressed. Everytime I find myself thinking sad thoughts I try to rethink them. To me this sounds like it should be an improvment. But what does it mean when I always rethink those thoughts the same way. " I'm so stupid for not getting this paper done earlier." Rethink " Its okay lots of people in college end up with this kind of problem ... Lots of people also end up failing having to retake classes or dropping out too. Your supposed to be better than that how can you ever acheive your goals if you can't get one paper done on time? your stupid!" It never seems to end every positive outlook on life has a bleaker more realistic outlook. My head hurts from trying so hard. And theres too much going on in there for me to think about my paper.

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02/06/14

08:50:21 pm Permalink Lies

Categories: sissylynn2278

I'm coming to the realization that I have a problem( just saying that makes me twinge in guilt). The thing is that I have known for way too long to just be realizing it now. The only real  interracation in the last two years I have had is with my husband and even then it's not always real. When I say real I literatly mean that it isn't real to me. If I smile it's a lie, if I laugh it's definatly a lie( and I feel guilty). I don't talk to anyone but I know that I should so I lie to my husband. I talked to this girl(lie), she said that she liked my new jacket that you bought me (lie). My mom gets it the worst if he comes home unexpectedly and I'm crying . Yea I called my mom today and she made me feel guilty for not going and seeing her(lie). My mom calls Sorry mom I have class(lie) he has the car tonight(lie) sorry (lie) I'm not sorry for not seeing anyone :its the only time I feel safe ,its where I can cry. I am so sorry and guilt ridden that I don't want to see the ones who love me. What if they find out. How do I answer the most basic question- Why are you sad? I'm so scared to hear that question so I lie ALOT! I'm scared that even though I'm there I'm going to miss everything that happens to the poeple I love because Im so busy trying to calm down and act okay, to pay attention to whats going on around me.Whats the point if I can't be happy when good things are happening . I don't want to die but Idon't want to live either and I'm seeing so few other options. This is about the point that I realize that I have a problem. I've been pretending and lying for years ! years! and I refused to even think about it at all. The moment it begins to cross my minds I force myself back into character It's not faking if I do it when Im alone right( so stupid) I've come to point that I'm lying to myself and believing it.I'm so sorry. I want to be differnet. I want to  really be with my family before I lose them but I don't know how. Now that I see it I don't if I can get into character especially when I'm alone. Without the lies I'm scared and all by myself...

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08:26:10 am Permalink Achieving normal expectations.

Categories: sissylynn2278

Keep a clean house, shovel the dog shit out of the yard, keep in touch with your family, go to class, study , study, study , study, get good grades, don't get stressed, your worring too much, I'm sure it'll be fine, see I told you. On and on goes the list of expectaions and underlying all of them is the hardest expectation of them all be happy. Keep a clean house when I feel dirty on the inside, shovel dog shit out of the yard when I'm not sure I still feel love for him, keep in touch with your family when just the sound of your moms voice brings tears to your eyes and your brothers strories put a hot knife of guilt in your gut, go to class when the just the thought of being in a room with strangers terrifies you, study and learn when you can't concentrate with your conceince screaming inside your head, get good grades when you can't remember a word you spent 6 hours reading, don't get stressed, your worring too much, I'm sure it will be fine. And after your exhasted from the fight to acheive normal expectations .... See I told you so.

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02/03/14

01:42:50 pm Permalink Quite pain

Categories: sissylynn2278

My husband is less than three feet from me and has no idea that I hurt. He has already seen my crying today but he hadto work a double last night so he is no asleep. He is a really great husband, putting me through college, working doubles, he tells me heloves me everyday. I cant tell him I think that I have depression. It seems obsurd for me someone who hasnt had to work in over a year, who gets good grades, smiles for every picture, with friends and family who love me to be even remotely sad let alone depressed. I don't deserve to show that I'm hurting on the inside, its not like bad things happen to me. Im normal people have it much worse than me and are greatful what right do I have to even cry. So I'm here to look for help from stranger that can never know who I am, so that they can never judge me for being so ungreatful.

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