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23
Apr

I don't get it

I just don't understand why this sort of  stuff happens.  If God made us in his image, then does he have these sorts of issues?  I kind of doubt it.  At least I hope he doesn't because I don't think I'd like eternity with a nut case.

Sometimes I feel like God has thrown me away too.  I know humans have free choice and all, and that God is probably not thrilled with those who have hurt me.  but I don't get why he let's me go on feeling like this.  I mean, I go to therapy, I take my meds, I try so hard to do what I should do to feel better.  Some days I do feel better and other days I just feel like Muhammed Ali has punched miy lights out.

I don't think I'm a horrible person but I have done some horrible things.  I wish I could take those back.  Not possible.  Only possible to improve myself andnever do them again.  but why when I ask God to help me does he not do it?  This is what makes me think he doesn't care about me.

what really hurts the most is the person that I married is now the one who has hurt me the most.  the person who did my psych eval said he has been very emotionally abusive to me.  My former therapist says the same.  I guess I have to agree - when your husband openly prefers a Nintendo over you you are literally at the bottom of the heap.  And this all really came to a head when I started standing up for myself.  If I were still letting him have his own way over everything I probably would not be getting a divorce right now.  But on the other hand, I think I would be even unhappier than I am at the moment.  At least now I do see an end in sight.

I have some great qualities and skills.  I have a lot to offer.  I've just been kicked around and pushed around so much mentally that I tend to withdraw so I don't get hurt anymore.  I have a hard time seeing that anyone could possibly  like me or want me because of how others have treated me.  It's kind of weird logic but if I were so great, why would they treat me like this?  Why do they throw me away?  Then I go into the really deep funks that I just struggle to get out of.  Some have taken as long as a week to start coming out of.  During this time I am just paralyzed and I struggle to even get out of bed.  Even things I love hold no joy for me.  And the headaches come, the numbness in my left side gets worse, and nothing helps.  Except sleep.  Heck these days I sleep more than my cats.  That's a lot considering they sleep 18 hours per day.

I'm only 52, yet I feel so wrung out.  Some tell me I have so many years to go, and I feel that if they're going to be like this, why bother.  I know I can't give up but I just don't know how to combat this all.

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23
Apr

Had A Couple of Good Days, then WHAM!

The past two days were OK.  I got in some hours at work, I got a lot of junk cleared out of the garage, and I was generally feeling OK.

Then came today and to say I'm feeling horrid is putting it mildly.  I called the jerk to see if he minded me taking him off the car insurance.  After all, I am keeping both vehicles and I see no sense in paying for him to drive cars he never gets near.

During that converstation he let me know that the house had to be sold and htat he was getting ready to file.  I told him once again I would not file without any attorney and I didn't feel the house had to be sold; I did not want to sell it; and that I wanted to stay here.  Last month he was willing to let me have the house - now it seems that has changed.

I can't get a lawyer.  I qualify for legal services, but they don't have enough lawyers to go around, so divorce cases only get help in filling out the forms.  I need a lawyer, damn it!  I need child support; I need alimony; I want my home; and this moron says he won't give me a dime.  Told me to get off my ass and work.

I have nothing against work - I have a part time job that I love.  I also have tow kids that need tons of medical care.  I need a ton of medical care.  We all need therapy as there are mental health issues all around.  Someone please tell me how I'm supposed to hold down a full time job and take care of all of this.  My therapist says it can't be done.  Others who know tell me the same.  I know I could handle it for perhaps 6 months.  Then I'll melt down and the problems all blow up again.

This a$$hole knew all of this when he went back to driving.  While we were married it was no problem  - I had to stay home to take care of the kids and he agreed.  Now the story is quite different.

I've lost so much over the past three or four years.  I can't lose anything else.  I found the perfect spot to bury my cats and my dog, but I won't now - at least not until I know if I can keep this place.  I HAVE to be with them and NEAR them.  I want to be buried with them someday.

Burying them would help bring some closure I think but I can't if I'm going to have to dig them up again.  They deserve a final resting spot too.  They were my best friends - they deserve the best.

Now my mind is racing.  I can't stop crying and I will be in this black hole for days.  It happens every time I get jolted around like this.  I don't want to leave here.

I also hate being down here where nothing but black thoughts and self-hatred take over.

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20
Apr

This and that

Kind of a quiet day.  Still sleeping a lot, but I did get a few small things done today.  Plants got watered and half the house got cleaned.  I also had some good thoughts about both kids, which made me happy.  I don't get too many good feelings about my daughter so that made me really happy.

We haven't gotten along in a long time.  Her dad made it obvious he preferreed her over me and I got quite jealous.  I took it out on her, which was wrong..  Our relationshp went as far down as possible and who knows if it can be repaired.

I should have confronted my husband but I was afraid.  I also should have known the marriage was dead much sooner than I did.  Maybe I did, but I was just so afraid.  I gave up my career so he could do what he wanted.  Everything in the marriage was pretty much what he wanted.  When things really went south was this year when I started standing up for myself.

I think someday I would like to have someone value me for me.  that's a really nice feeling - to think that someone could actually love me - not my ability to keep the IRS off their back.   I think the only person who has ever loved me at all is my son.  I'm just not used to what being loved is.

I don't like gifts because no one has ever gotten me anything because they wanted to - I've always felt it was because they had to.  About 7 years ago I started refusing all gifts and if someone had the nerve to give me one it quickly was destroyed or gotten rid of somehow.  If I want something I got it for myself. At least I was sure of what my motives were.  Others were always looked at with suspicion - what did they REALLY want?

I'd like to work but my therapist says I'm nuts to try to.  The depression is not under control and soon I'm going to have to do some serious family therapy with both kids.  There isn't a boss on earth who will work around what my schedule will be.  At the same time, the jerk I'm married to says he won't give a any support at all - told me to get a job.  So what do I do?  Try to work, burn out again, and lose the kids again?

Had to order a new printer cartridge from HP via mail because I can't afford the gas to Billings.  Truck gets 10 mpg.  Car isn't running.  No money.  Tax clients still owe me but it will be a couple of weeks before I get that money.  In the meantime the bills pile up and the stress gets worse.

The deer don't come around much - I wonder if it's because I got a dog.  I miss them.  I saw a pretty bird today - I have no idea what it was - light pink and medium sized.  Really a pretty bird.

Time to call it a day.  Got to get up early for therapy.  All in all not a bad day - have had much worse.  Hopefully soon I can get to a shrink and get a real diagnosis and get on a med that keeps me steady all the time.

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19
Apr

Some More Good Things

The previous photo is Lilly and her kittens from last year.  I got Lilly because she reminded me of Lacey.   I kept all of the kittens and they're a blast.

Spring is here and the turkeys are gobbling.  One of the funniest things is to gobble back at a turkey and see if he answers.

I made some awesome bracelets yesterday - very proud of them.  I also have some great design ideas for some necklaces.  I love being creative - it makes me feel whole.  I think as soon as I can afford to fix the car I'll take a trip to Yellowstone and shoot some photos.  Just about baby season.

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19
Apr

Some Good Things

http://i594.photobucket.com/albums/tt29/snowbearsmom2/IMGP4123_edited.jpg

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