Kind of a quiet day.  Still sleeping a lot, but I did get a few small things done today.  Plants got watered and half the house got cleaned.  I also had some good thoughts about both kids, which made me happy.  I don't get too many good feelings about my daughter so that made me really happy.

We haven't gotten along in a long time.  Her dad made it obvious he preferreed her over me and I got quite jealous.  I took it out on her, which was wrong..  Our relationshp went as far down as possible and who knows if it can be repaired.

I should have confronted my husband but I was afraid.  I also should have known the marriage was dead much sooner than I did.  Maybe I did, but I was just so afraid.  I gave up my career so he could do what he wanted.  Everything in the marriage was pretty much what he wanted.  When things really went south was this year when I started standing up for myself.

I think someday I would like to have someone value me for me.  that's a really nice feeling - to think that someone could actually love me - not my ability to keep the IRS off their back.   I think the only person who has ever loved me at all is my son.  I'm just not used to what being loved is.

I don't like gifts because no one has ever gotten me anything because they wanted to - I've always felt it was because they had to.  About 7 years ago I started refusing all gifts and if someone had the nerve to give me one it quickly was destroyed or gotten rid of somehow.  If I want something I got it for myself. At least I was sure of what my motives were.  Others were always looked at with suspicion - what did they REALLY want?

I'd like to work but my therapist says I'm nuts to try to.  The depression is not under control and soon I'm going to have to do some serious family therapy with both kids.  There isn't a boss on earth who will work around what my schedule will be.  At the same time, the jerk I'm married to says he won't give a any support at all - told me to get a job.  So what do I do?  Try to work, burn out again, and lose the kids again?

Had to order a new printer cartridge from HP via mail because I can't afford the gas to Billings.  Truck gets 10 mpg.  Car isn't running.  No money.  Tax clients still owe me but it will be a couple of weeks before I get that money.  In the meantime the bills pile up and the stress gets worse.

The deer don't come around much - I wonder if it's because I got a dog.  I miss them.  I saw a pretty bird today - I have no idea what it was - light pink and medium sized.  Really a pretty bird.

Time to call it a day.  Got to get up early for therapy.  All in all not a bad day - have had much worse.  Hopefully soon I can get to a shrink and get a real diagnosis and get on a med that keeps me steady all the time.