The past two days were OK.  I got in some hours at work, I got a lot of junk cleared out of the garage, and I was generally feeling OK.

Then came today and to say I'm feeling horrid is putting it mildly.  I called the jerk to see if he minded me taking him off the car insurance.  After all, I am keeping both vehicles and I see no sense in paying for him to drive cars he never gets near.

During that converstation he let me know that the house had to be sold and htat he was getting ready to file.  I told him once again I would not file without any attorney and I didn't feel the house had to be sold; I did not want to sell it; and that I wanted to stay here.  Last month he was willing to let me have the house - now it seems that has changed.

I can't get a lawyer.  I qualify for legal services, but they don't have enough lawyers to go around, so divorce cases only get help in filling out the forms.  I need a lawyer, damn it!  I need child support; I need alimony; I want my home; and this moron says he won't give me a dime.  Told me to get off my ass and work.

I have nothing against work - I have a part time job that I love.  I also have tow kids that need tons of medical care.  I need a ton of medical care.  We all need therapy as there are mental health issues all around.  Someone please tell me how I'm supposed to hold down a full time job and take care of all of this.  My therapist says it can't be done.  Others who know tell me the same.  I know I could handle it for perhaps 6 months.  Then I'll melt down and the problems all blow up again.

This a$$hole knew all of this when he went back to driving.  While we were married it was no problem  - I had to stay home to take care of the kids and he agreed.  Now the story is quite different.

I've lost so much over the past three or four years.  I can't lose anything else.  I found the perfect spot to bury my cats and my dog, but I won't now - at least not until I know if I can keep this place.  I HAVE to be with them and NEAR them.  I want to be buried with them someday.

Burying them would help bring some closure I think but I can't if I'm going to have to dig them up again.  They deserve a final resting spot too.  They were my best friends - they deserve the best.

Now my mind is racing.  I can't stop crying and I will be in this black hole for days.  It happens every time I get jolted around like this.  I don't want to leave here.

I also hate being down here where nothing but black thoughts and self-hatred take over.