By telling you that I am a woman in my mid thirties and I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I remember pouting a lot and being so sensitive to everything. I have been married for 15 years and we have three kids. I've struggled with my self-esteem for my whole life. From the outside looking in people think I'm confident, pretty and intelligent. I'm a hard worker and am loyal to a fault. My marriage has been extremly painful. I've been beaten down by infidelity which caused me so much pain, humiliation and embarrassment. I've continued to allow my husband back into my life even though he has hurt me more than any person ever has in my life. I do believe that he truly has changed now and is trying to be a man of integrity but even with all the positive changes, I struggle so much with painful memories and severed friendships resulting in unfathomable loneliness. I had a couple of friends that were my closest long term friends (since high school). I believe that the ending of these friendships were caused by the turmoil I was constantly in because of my marriage. My best friend simply cut me out of her life like I meant nothing. I feel so disposable. So invalid. Unworthy of love and friendships. I don't believe that I deserve to have lost these friends and I don't understand why all of this has happened to me? I'm not perfect but I am a good person. I love. I care. I am willing to drop everything to be there for those that I love but no one seems to think I'm valuable enough to return that same sense of loyalty to me. This is the first time that I am turning to an online community to reach out in a way I never have because I don't know what else to do anymore. I just feel lost and so extremely lonely. My kids are challenging (two of them are teenagers) and one of my children also struggles with severe depression and anxiety. I try very hard to be there for her and to balance being a loving, supportive parent with "parenting" ie; discipline etc. Its a very hard line to walk. I often feel like a complete failure. Like I can't do anything right. I just don't get it. Why is it that I am left alone after all the terrible things I've had to endure? I try to have hope and I am a Christian as a result of my suffering because I was so beaten down that I tried EVERYTHING trying to get help including counselling, Buddhist mediation and then finally, attending a church which helped me and my marriage SO much because they provided counselling and support in ways that I  had never experienced before. I find some comfort and peace through walking in faith but let's face it, this world is a very sad place to be, especially if you are looking through the glasses of someone with depression. But, I keep getting up. As hard as it is some days. I do. So anyway, this is me today. Please feel free to send me a message. I send prayers of love, comfort and hope to each of you. May you all be blessed with what you need today and in the days to come.