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Why me???

I don't know what I am doing but I figured I would give this a shot!! I am good with words when it comes to writing them down, but saying them is a different story and I don't know why.

Where do I begin? Let's see by all rights I should not be depressed! I have everything going for me... a man that loves me, a house that's paid, for a part time job, and I will be graduating in May with a 2 year associates degree. By everything I know I should be at the top of the world.  But I am not!  I think life sucks and I don't know what to do.

OK let's look at things from my view point.  I hate my job, I'm scared once I graduate I won't find work, I think maybe the degree I went for was the wrong one. I think maybe I want a divorce.  I don't know why?  I just want everyone to leave me alone. And I would give anything to just be able to go home to mom and dad's for the weekend.

Got into a big screaming match with the hubby the other night and said some really mean things but in my defense, mean or not they were true. I have one real friend I can confide in but my husband doesn't like him.  I understand this guy is from my pastbut we never dated we just were best of friends, still atleast it is someone I feel confident I can tell anything to. The bad part of the whole fight was that he said I needed medication and well, that just really pissed me off, but you know I thought about it and maybe he is right.  Don't tell him that!!! LOL

OK, so on comes my friend depression and then I start thinking and realize that when my parents died when I was 22 I just kinda buried it.  I'm the strong one don't you know!  Well, the floodgates have been opened and I don't know how to deal with things.  I don't know what to do!! I don't know anything.  If I could I would just runaway and never look back. I've done that before.

But I can't and even writing this I worry he is looking over my shoulder.  There this trust issue I have a problem with too.

My thoughts they are all scrambled and I am just trying to sort things out!! I feel all twisted and like I'm on the verge or crying and that isn't me.  I don't cry! And if you make me cry I'm gonna be mad! I just feel so lonely.  If I disappeared I think it would be hard on everyone at first but eventually they'd get over it!

I made a list tonight of the people that meant something to me and were taken away.  I cried.  So I guess now that means I am mad at myself.  I really didn't think anyone else felt the way I do except me and then I read the blogs.  I was wrong.  Good to know I am not a freak. 

I don't expect any one to read this.  It is kinda my secret place to vent.  I get tried of the "Get over it already" and the "I can't take much more of this attitude". Then wonders why I am so cold...

There is one place I feel safe and happy but I can't go there, not yet!  But will that eventually fade too? If I get divorced will that make me better? I don't know! There are so many IFs.  IF I knew the answer I would do something about it.

I denied I was depressed and then I went online and took an assessment and you know what it said SEVERELY DEPRESSED.  But I go on and try to pretend everything is fine, that's what they all want.  Nobody knows what goes on in my head.

It scares me. There's the thought that I just wanna die already but hey nobody wants to hear that so I say I didn't mean it.  Don't want them to lock me up. I get this feeling like my heart is just breaking in two and someone is trying to squeeze the life out of me.  It's starting that at times it hurts to breathe. I know that is anxiety. But I know that is not the answer.  I have to face life as miserable as it makes me.

I drink now and then just to dull the pain and now I have a drinking problem. Just ask my husband.  A little support please!!! It is called self medicating.  When he drank and I put up with his BS that was a whole different story.  I told you before I am the strong one!!

Well, that's all there is room for tonight. Thanks for listening!


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