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February 14th, 2010

Oh boy...where to start?  I guess way way back when I realized I had been suffering from depression when I tried to commit suicide...Luckily (or maybe not so) the cop that responded to the call was my husband's friend...I was only sent to the hospital for physical recovery, not mental recovery...So yes, it's been about 27 yrs since that day and I hate feeling like that to this day.

I just hate my life..I constantly wonder is this all there is?  First marriage:  abusive, left (more like fled in the middle of the night) when my daughters were 3 months and 19 months ole (yes, they're 16 months apart)...Started to get comfortable in my growth (caring for 2 babies, affording an apartment on my own, etc) and he shows up, intentionally trying to scare me...Finally he moved away..Met a really nice guy (which is what I needed at the time) and had a son with him shortly after...Married him (it's been 13 years) and I hate my lfe sooo much..He's boring, I'm not attracted to him anymore (he may feel the same way about me, who knows, cos we never really talk anymore)...My daughters are never home (busy social lives)...my son is home a lot...he's kindof a loner like his dad and I...don't really care about having friends (my last 2 close friends had SOOO much drama and I can't be bothered..I mean you're 45 yrs old getting drunk and having to be carried out of the bar? Really?)

Alot of the issues at this point are: husband is partially unemployed ( that kills us financially because he does not make nearly as much as he did when he worked full time..I'm TIRED of worrying about money), ...The house is falling down around us because he has no ambition and we have no money to fix things up...Yes, at least we have a roof over our heads (we did not buy a big expensive house)..my oldest daughter has put us through HELL (assaulted me and went through a few mental health episodes, quit school, did nothing for a year, worked for awhile, quit her job, drugs and drinking, now she has just told me she thinks she's pregnant at 18)...I just thank goodness the other 2 kids are good kids...I just sit upstairs and watch tv while he sits downstairs and watches tv or listens to his music or does crossword puzzles...I just feel like getting a tattoo over my heart that says "broken" cos that's how I feel:  my heart and spirit are broken and I don't see a way out of this...My meds aren't really helping so my next visit I am going to mention that...you know what that means....New meds, waiting for them to kick in...I was going to therapy, but she said the only person I could change is myself, and I think there's nothing to change...I don't want to change some of my basic qualities...I'm intelligent, good at my job, funny when I'm around the few people I do like, a good mom, a good daughter and sister...But I hate putting on a happy face for others to see, the people who have NO IDEA of all the crap that I go through.

Sigh...just sooo sooo sad and can't seem to shake this..


 

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