This is an extract from an e-mail I sent my friend Karen last night. I've had real trouble being able to put into words what I have been feeling the last two weeks. This is horrible because people around me don't know how to help me and I feel like there s impenetrable wall between me and them. A very lonely and desolate feeling. This letter sums up my goal as best as I could

03 June 2010:

Today would have been the 26th birthday of Bronwyn, she was a little girl I went to school with and was good friends with. She died of cancer when she was only ten years old. Tonight we and the rest of my old classmates scattered across the world lit a candle for her. One thing that I will always remember about her is how hard she fought- 3 weeks before she died she was still determined to go to school.In 2003 another very good friend of mine, Bonita was died after a car accident. I will always feel guilty about Bonita because I feel that I wasn't as good of a friend to her as she was to me.

The thing that Bronwyn and Bonita had in common is that they were both fighters and even though they died young both of them lived their lives fully. After Bonita died I couldn't go to her funeral because she lived on the other side of the country, her parents send me the program and her obituary. Right underneath her picture was this:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, Which the Lord, the righteous Judge will award to me on that day- And not only to me, But to all who have longed for his appearing

2 Timothy: 7-8

One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is that winning a race is not as important as finishing it. I have always hoped that that verse could be used in my obiturary one day.... although I feel a little guilty- I want to give up more then I want to press on and you know my position with the Lord . In terms of a race... I'm still sitting in the middle of the track staring at the damn finish line and not budging.

This is my message to you today- fight the good fight and finish race. Here is a little inspiring video to drive home my point. I can still remember this like it was yesterday...

This is something that makes me happy. Very, VERY happy!!!. 13 days from now all eyes will be on my little country as 31 of the best soccer teams battle it out for the world cup. Yes folks, I am a South African (a dual citizen with a America) and a very proud one at that.

I'm a FIFA volunteer and will be working at one of the stadiums. It is going to be a lot of hard work but a once in a life time opportunity. I am very aware that there has been a lot of bad press- especially overseas. Some of it is warranted. Most of the overseas stuff is absolute rubbish. South Africa does have a high crime rate but there is no- and there has not been a "Bloodbath" as one UK newspaper said. Crime, a lot of the time boils down to a foreigner's common sense- for heaven's sake DON'T go walking down a quiet street after dark. You may be able to do that in your home country but sadly poverty, lack of education (among many reasons) has made people in this country rather desperate and turn to crime.

Despite the negativity I choose to hope that this will be something that will bring this country together. Someone once said to me that God blessed us with a sport like soccer to give us joy and I really can believe that when my team scores. But there of course is a lot of heartache because there can only be one winner. I must admit though, even as a female soccer fan there is a part of me that is dumbfounded that all this fuss is about 22 grown men chasing a ball.... :p

This is the official anthem for the 2010 World Cup. I love the song and the music video is hilarious.....

The day after I went onto antidepressants may be hazy but it was one of the oddest days of my life. I was a temp at work, so when I didn’t work I didn’t get paid and the company had so many candidates waiting to fill my position that missing work wasn’t a good idea. So after everything I had just been through I went back to work the day after I saw my doctor- high on Xanax and with Lexapro working its way into my system. The result was just hilarious.

I began to talk and talk and TALK, really, REALLY fast. Everything that was on my mind went tumbling out of my mouth. From what brand of toothpaste I used that morning to my view on the war on terror. I even tried to start a debate on religion (BAD idea). I floated around our tiny office and SKIPPED through the warehouse. I bought a fortune worth of chocolate from the vending machines and ate them all during my lunch break- only to throw it all up. I had a serious giggling fit about nothing and then all of a sudden the terror of the previous days returned whacking the life out of me and I went dead quiet. Everyone was so baffled by my behavior, I’m sure they all thought I was smoking dope. I’m amazed that I didn’t get fired.

Ironically that night, I was supposed to be going to an Evanescence concert with my co-worker, Karen and her hubby, Troy and some of Troy’s cousins. What a great concert to go to when you are mentally unstable :/ . I got myself sedated enough to handle the trip there without panicking that we would have a car accident and to help the nerves with meeting Troy’s cousins. Unfortunately the real clincher was when we all went to dinner and I couldn’t order drinks with everyone else, because I wasn’t allowed any alcohol. I had always been scared about meeting new people when I was growing up. I got over this when I was older by always being the one to make the first move- usually a glass of wine helped first. But when I was sitting there at that table I found that my tongue was frozen and I couldn’t talk- not even to reply to a question someone asked me. I felt like such a looser. At the same time I had an overwhelming desire to get up and start smashing anything breakable I could get my hands on- just to hear the sound.

The concert was surreal. Most of Evanescence’s music is pretty loud, well, that didn’t stop me from falling asleep. I don’t really remember anything of that concert. I felt as if I was in the twilight zone, continuously drifting between reality and a scary dream world. I have never taken drugs before, but what happened then is the closest thing that I can compare to a bad trip.

I was still in that zone on the way home. Troy tried striking up a conversation with me, but all my replies were broken bits of nonsense, until being on the edge of sleep and awake my mouth started shooting of a random monologue about cats!- where the hell that came from was anyone’s guess. I can still remember Troy’s confused silence.

What I learned from that day (aside from not wanting to listen to Evanescence again. Ever) is to really get to know the drug that your doctor puts you on. If you are able to, RESEARCH it as much as you can and get to know the side effects. In my next entry I’m going to discuss my experiences with antidepressants, the side effects, the improvements etc. I feel it’s so important to be more educated about this stuff rather than blinding doing what the doctor says without asking any questions that could make the world of difference.

Are you too happy?  Then this is just for you...

This could either be incrediably sad or blood hilarious- you choose

Courtesy of Susan's blog

P.S I found it bloody hilarious

P.SS Does anyone know how to embed Youtube videos on these blogs?

Sadness....

It can come at anytime. It could be a warm sunny day. I could be having coffee with my mother or laughing my head off with my friends. I could be happy and content and suddenly The Feeling strikes and bruises my heart: The most overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness will literally consume me. It will tear the smile of my face and drown me in tears.

 I know I am not alone in feeling this way, even though when it happens I do feel very, very alone. For me there are triggers that start the spiral downward. I’m still trying to figure out what these triggers are, I know one of them is seeing a person or animal that I feel sorry for but they can be anything really. Sometimes it would be the oddest things. Today I saw beautiful girl in the grocery store, she was doing promotions….for sanitary pads. Yes most of you will find this funny, she was standing there with a pad stuck to cardboard underwear. She had a huge smile on her face trying to get people’s attention, but everyone was ignoring her. It wasn’t an easy product to promote and she was trying her best. I felt so sorry for her.

Sometimes it can be something that is worth all the tears a person can give. There was a massive photograph on the front page of the newspaper yesterday. The photographer had taken a picture of a little boy- just minutes after he had learned his mother had been murdered.

This will start a process – sadness, thinking about everything that’s wrong with my life and with the world and eventually the loneliness with set in the leaving me in a dark hole. The hurt is so great I almost can’t stand it. I wish they had a pill for sadness….

I feel like the only thing that can help ease the hurt it is a long bear- hug. The worse thing about when I lived overseas is I would go for weeks without anyone touching me, never mind hugging. Comfort eating was a huge part of trying to numb the pain, I used to do the most ridiculous things to try and replace a hug: rolling my body up in my winter duvet, like a huge sausage roll. Sometimes when I was in public I would find a loved- up couple or a mommy or daddy with their kiddies and follow them, just to see them love each other. It was a reminder that there were still pockets of sunshine in a very harsh world.

Positive thinking: tomorrow the sun will rise again, that girl will make a fortune in commissions because of her smile and….THIS TO SHALL PASS…