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Difficult times

October 20th, 2010

I have been suffering from depression since I was 16 and I am now 20. I have been on anti-depressants since January and they helped for a while but recently my health has decreased again. The original reasons for my depression were that my parents had a messy seperation that I was placed in the middle of and then my mother was diagnosed with Leukemia. However my mother now has the all clear and she is now happily living with her new partner who I am very fond of. The depression has stuck around even though the problems have gone.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now and he is my rock. I literally couldn't live without him and that scares the hell out of me. A couple of weeks ago on a night out a so called male friend of mine tried to kiss me. I turned him down and explained to him that I loved my boyfriend and I wasn't interested. However he did not stop there the rest of the night he kept putting his hand on my stomach and leg and it made me feel really uncomfortable but I wasn't aggressive enough with him and just told him to stop in a nice way. I had been drinking that night and I was flattered by the attention at the time but the next morning I felt cheap and let down. My boyfriend came over to mine that night and knew something was wrong and I was honest with him. Since then I haven't been able to shake of the feeling of guilt. Even though nothing happened with this guy I feel that I may have lead him on and even feel guilty for feeling flattered. I would never cheat on my boyfriend and I have a real trust issue with men and I feel that this event has caused my health to decrease. The next day the guy text me and told me he enjoyed the electricity between us and I sent him a nasty text back telling him to leave me alone. He made me feel like it was all my fault and I had been the one in the wrong. I have to see this guy everyday in university and I have this incredible hatred towards him and feel cheap everytime I look at him. He has done this to other girls in my class too. When I was well I would have been able to cope with this and probably would just let it wash over me and get on with my relationship with my boyfriend but I can't shake off this guilt. Why? If someone else told me this I would tell them to get over it and they did nothing wrong so why can't I take that advice? Did i do something wrong?

I was taking into hospital on sunday night as I phoned breathingspace after my thoughts began to scare me. I would never hurt myself as I love my mum and my boyfriend way too much to hurt them but sometimes I wish that I had a serious disease that would release me from this pain. I just want the anxiety, depression and the guilt to leave me and let me be happy with my wonderful boyfriend. The doctor has prescribed me a new anti-depressant and has reffered me to a psyciatrist which the thought of really scares me. I know so many people suffer from depression and I feel I need reassurance that I will be okay and that I haven't done anything wrong in regards to my bad experience.


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