Stormy

I really hate myself when I get this far into depression.  I no longer know what dirrection to turn.  I feel  so very alone and rejected.  Because of this feeling I have resorted to self harm and I do not know how to even control that at this point.  I talk to the therapist about this and she will put me in the hospital because of recent actions.  I can't afford to be in the hospital right now mainly because I do not have insurance.  It's bad enough it costs me $75 everytime I see her which is twice a week for right now.  At this point I am going to cancel appointments, that money needs to be spent on other things.  I sit back and wonder if even going is worth it at this point.  I don't want to eat, get out of bed, go out of the house, nothing.  All I really want to do is go to sleep and never wake up again to face a day of panic attacks, crying, loneliness, hurt or people saying they are your friends and are here for you but then aren't.  Why do I even bother to make friends when I let my walls down for them and then find out it is no different then others I have allowed to come behind my walls.  All I know to do in this situation is to put my walls completely back up and never ever let them down again.

So why am I so down right now?  Where do I even begin.  I am not currently working and have to much time on my hands to think about every aspect of my life.  I have a really difficult time sleeping because of nightmares and flashbacks from my childhood.  I can't get Ashley and the last time I saw her out of my head which causes horrible nightmares of the wreck that I didn't even see the accident but I had to identify Ashley's body and what I saw I cannot get out of my head.  Ashley was the result of a rape but I that did not take away from the love that I had and still have for her.  I was told to forget about the rape and Ashley.  How do you do that?  How do you just forget about your child like that?  And to forget about a rape?  That is something that just doesn't go away.  Especially having the rapist as a part of your family.  To this day I still have my mother telling me she wished she had aborted me when she was pregnant and only calls me when she wants something or just hasn't told me for awhile how much I messed her life up.  I no longer talk to my birth father and haven't seen him in 20 years, I don't care if I ever see him again.

I miss Ashley so much that and all I want to do is to just end all this so that I could go to be with her.  Ashley was my world, even though I have other children and I love them all the same Ashley was the most loving of them.  I watched her get hurt so many times but she just bounced right back and continued to love unconditionally.  I have never met another person that had a heart as big as hers was.  Now another person has her heart and I hope that they continue to keep her heart gentle.  Whoever has her eyes i hope that they see all the beauty in others as Ashley did.  I miss my angel to the point that it feels unbarable to continue living without her.

I am asked all the time if I have support.  Well I don't.  Yes, I have the husband and 2 children still at home but even with them we don't talk about Ashley and the husband gets upset if her name is even mentioned.  So even in a home of 3 other people, 3 cats, a dog and a ginuea pig I am still all alone.  I think I am meant to be alone forever, to be unloved and be rejected.  That is all I know and as long as I keep getting pushed away and belittled I will continue to feel alone.  Even with chat... I feel so reject and like I have been thrown to the side because I'm not worth the time to talk to.  Another rejection in my life.  This makes me also wonder why I continue to try anymore.  A few chatter have really hurt me but oh well, being hurt is just a part of this life that I have come to know.

No one will ever again here me say that I am going to end my life.  I will just disappear and no one will even realize I'm gone.  Most wouldn't even care, to some it would be party time for them.

At this point in my life I don't know what to do.  I can't even sit in chat and listen to how others have dealt with or are dealing with the depression, panic attacks and other things that are going on in their lives.  I have no one that I can talk to because once again I have been rejected by someone that I allowed to come in only to now be ignored by them.  I don't have friends and honestly not sure that I want any.  No one will ever replace the 2 friends that I have lost, if I allow myself to become close to another I will back way off and push them away.  That's me and what I do.  At times one of the best things to do it listen, I don't care if the person talks or not.  Talking helps at times.  But that has been taken away from me also.

So any advice as to how you deal with this stuff would be greatly appreciated.  This is just the tip of the iceberg as to what I am dealing with.

None of you will ever get to meet my sweet precious little angel now will I be able to share her with you other than on this blog.  For reasons unknown to me I am no longer able to share her in chat.  Of course to share her in chat means sharing others parts of my life that lead to her being placed on this earth, some do not want to hear that.

Ashley was born on September 4th, 1994 and was the love of my life.  Such a beautiful baby, always smiling and laughing and never really cried all that much.  She was a huge joy to raise and love for the short 15 years that she was in my life.  She was a little social bug and never really knew a stranger, always giving hugs to anyone she thought needed one.  Her heart was larger than life and her beauty within shine out through her eyes.  Despite being moved around all the time because of the military, Ashley always managed to make friend and adapt to the forever changing conditions.

She was a very outgoing person, involved in so many activities.  Her favorite thing to do was to play the piano and be goofy on long trips visiting people.  We told her when we to the last place the military took us we would settle down there so she didn't have to leave friends behind anymore.  'Thankfully we were close enough to the last place that Ashley went to school so that we could make trips for her to see those friends there and a few of her friends made sure they all stayed in touch.

On Jan. 18th, 2009 Ashley and 3 of her friends were killed by a drunk driver.  Someone selfish took 4 innocent lives that never got the chance to grow up, graduate, get married or even have children.  While that man only served 4 years in jail, there are 4 families that will forever be jailed by all the emotions of losing a child before their time.  How does a parent ever recover from a loss like this?  I don't think they every do.  It has been over 5 years since I lost Ashely and at this point in my life I am overwhelmed by all the emotions, regrets, guilt, and hate.  I will never forgive this man for what he did to our children or for the torment that he has and still is putting the families through.

There are no words to discribe the deep hurt that I feel, the lonely feeling that comes over me even in a room full of people, or even the emptiness that I feel.  All these feelings will never end or change no matter what I do to try to change them, they will always be there.  I have to put my walls up to protect myself.