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falling apart, missing the bus

April 29th, 2010

All gone.

Deliberately have no contacts to get anymore anything. Most of my mates having stopped taking them anyway.

Hopefully i've convinced myself to have no further dealings with far east labs and any mephe replacement.


Im a fuckn state with drugs, even booze if dont watch myself. Thats a pretty big handicap to have in life.

Gambling addiction too if i'm honest

Legitimized itself perfectly by providing a wage.

Thats stopping. however bad mephe is for your heart I dont think it is as bad as being a pro-card player. That eats your (my) soul.

The real challenge will be a 9-5, getting a 9-5, getting somthing that doesnt require the doning foam copper and plastic tiara spilling out your life buyer's mantra to a wearly populace

But thats the way it will have to be. Do not indulge notions of desireablity as you slip from bucket to pond

Many here, many hungry, many

Film degree, 6yrs cards, no 'employment' history in 6years, head hunted, no, head to bed

Only one way to deal with a 6yr elephant in the room, lie, tell them its a coffee table.

Bad basis for a relationship.

Want to be a tree surgeon or a columist or both. So neither of us are winning.

Not important what you want. You will take what you can. U must.

Need to stay solid. Its maintaining for now, servicing an unpaid promisary note.

Poker will never be the same. Fabled, feared and revered doom revolutionised the game. With a heavy heart the fraterinty will take it in turns to do pat the back the shake the hand and wish the well. 6 years huh.

No. none of this, not a thing. a light maybe that is off, instead of on, adorning a server in a Maltese industrial park, if that.

So Cheer up. No strings. Morose pondering the negative. Produce the arm, tight, jab, IV'n some fkn REALITY - NOW RUN, RUN CUNT RUN- YOUR MISSING THE BUS, thats your bus and your missing it,  get that bus run, its YOUR bus so run. your life, your wife is on that bus, people you know are so happy on the bus, a promising career, modest home, sparkly white teeth, a cat and a dog, everything of you and for you is pulling away from you. And you fked about listend to no one- and now its gone- and now your fked.

BUT SURE i'll just stop of here for a bit. Aye I know, missed the bus, the wife, the family, job, house- blew the heap, never to be fufilled i've a steaming turd where a life should be. Can I just an sit and type, i enjoy that. I'll just keep feeding the meter, i'll keep sitting and typing. Win win.

Somthing familiar about the days, typing, sitting, feeding meter- hitting ding! ding done eyes an ears and fingers direct- decide, dismiss, engage, absorb- power! FEEL HOW POWERFUL I AM FLICKING THOUGH ALL THIS. INFORMATION JUST FOR ME, SO I CAN KNOW, SO THAT I AM THE ONE THAT KNOWS THE THINGS- I, ME, I KNOW SO MUCH AND AM SO POWERFUL- I CAN FLICK CONTINENTS- America, Australia, Europe, Africa, No mystery's, i crack them. I sit here eating drugs 24/7 gettn all the information.

Cram up my eyes cram up my ears cram that nose and mouth, what ever keeps the loneliness away, whatever pantomines help you pretend- play them, play them- its tough to run forever but the alternative is unthinkable, u fked it. you lost it and run out of actors for your chemical pantomime, suspension of suspension of belief, no fuel for the illusion, it slips and it all falls away. Your knowledge is nothing here, its not love, your alone. Pretend games unraveled and your broken self shatters once more against the bedrock of your isolation. You missed every chance, you've ruined your life and here you stay.


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