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06/05/11

Permalink 11:44:42 am, by symphony Email , 419 words, 3158 views   English (GB) latin1
Categories: symphony

Never new I could feel like this...

Feeling lonely is a horrible horrible feeling. I some times wonder how I can feel so alone but still be happy. Is it really possible to have these mixed feelings and still be okay? Or does it mean that you aren't okay.

I haven't written here in a while. I moved to a new town (like I talked about in my first blog) that is a 8 hour drive away from where I grew up and where my family and friends are. I moved to be with the one that I love. I wonder how I can be so lonely, sad and happy all at once. I have lived here for almost 9 months and it's sometimes sooo hard. Sometimes I get this rush of a feeling that I'm totally alone. A overwhelming sadness comes over me.
I don't have any friends here. I have no one to hang out with except my boyfriend. I long for just one good girlfriend, someone to hang out with and talk to. I'm not the type that makes friends easily. I have always been some what of a loner but still in my hometown I had good friends that I hang out with. I had my family and I had my dog, oh how much I miss her! She gave me so much joy! I'm shy and so unbelieveably clumsy in communications. There for I don't put myself out there, my cousin that I talk to very much tells me every time that I have to put myself out there, I have to try to make friends. No one is going to do it for me, I just have to start small and work it out from there. But just the thought of putting myself out there gives me a bad feeling and I just want to crawl into bed and watch Friends and "live" my life through TV. It's some how much easier.

I have talked to my boyfriend about this and it just made him worried about me and sad, because he is the reason I moved out here. So now I don't want to talk to him about this. I don't want him to feel bad, because it was my choice and I was happy about it. I was excited to try something new (but at the same time scared).

I have dream about being this open, fun and happy person. But instead I'm just sapply (sadly and happy) person that dose not know how to be the thing she want's to be...

02/08/10

Permalink 08:38:59 am, by symphony Email , 198 words, 939 views   English (GB) latin1
Categories: symphony

Someone To Watch Over Me......

Are men and women really so diffrent...

I HATE when I have to ask my boyfriend to help me out around the house. I just want him to find it in himself to help me. He sees me wondering around the house, doing the everyday chores. After a hard day at work. But the first thing he does when he comes home is sit in the sofa and play on his computer. I'm NOT doing the chores because I like doing them. I'm doing them because it needs to be done.

When this happens I get so frustrated

I start banging the doores and walk heavily around the house. Because I want him to notice that I'm frustrated. But somehow I just can't just stop and tell him that.

When I'm almost finished he says stuff like "I just let you do everything" - he thinks he's being sweet but he isn't. I really want to say to him; "then why didn't you stand up and help me" But I don't, because I don't really want a fight. Don't know why.

And afther a few minutes the guilt comes - because I think I'm being unfair.

 

But am I?

09/06/10

Permalink 04:48:35 pm, by symphony Email , 305 words, 993 views   English (GB) latin1
Categories: symphony

In search of what I'm dreaming of...?

So once again I return to this blog when something is on my mind. This time it is changes.

In few months I will stand in front of the biggest change in my life, to this day. I'm moving to another town. About 6-7 hour drive from where I live at the moment. Now I live in the town where I was born and raised up in. Where my parent's, brothers + family, friends, d0g live. I'm moving to be with my boyfriend. Who I have been with for over a year now and am so thankful to have.

And it's hard, it's so hard to imagine moving to a new town where I don't know any one except my boyfriend. And to tell you the truth I'm scared, I start to think about what I will do if anything will go wrong with us (me and my boyfriend). What will I do if we brake up? What will I do when I need to talk to my girlfriend about my boyfriend, my life, everything and anything. I know I have the phone, but it's just not the same.

And making new friends isn't easy. I'm not a really open and outgoing person.

I've started packing because there is a lot of stuff I have to go through. I have to figure out what I should keep and what I should throw away. I can't move all of my stuff. And it is so hard throwing somethings away. How come one person get's so attached to for example piece of paper

I get so sad when I think about all of this. But the strangest thing is that I'm excited at the same time. I have so much mixed feelings and I don't know what to do with them. Sometimes I just want to sit and cry.

24/04/10

Permalink 05:22:10 pm, by symphony Email , 464 words, 445 views   English (GB) latin1
Categories: symphony

This is my now, this is my today...

This is my first blog. I'm not sure if it belongs here. But I just want to write how I feel. Want to get comment's from people that I don't know and will not see every day. Why is that much more easy than talking to your loved once? Am I scared of what they think? I have a great family and a boyfriend that I think I can talk about every thing but some times I just want to write down my thoughts without talking about them to those who are closest to me. They, the thoughts, don't always have meaning. Some times it just good to 'talk out loud'.

Excuses. English is not my first langue so I will make spelling errors, grammar errors etc. For me it is easier to express myself in english. I don't know why.

So, that's why I started this blog. I thought maybe this would be the right place beacause most of my thoughts/feelings are emotional.I would say taht I'm a person with A LOT of emotions. Some times I don't know what to do with them. When I was younger I would go down to the basement and just scream, scream until my lungs couldn't take more. For me this was a great way to get out feelings/emotions that I couldn't figure out what to do with.

I often wonder why I am the way I am. Why do I tear up just talking about ordenery things. Why am I shy. Why aren't I BIG inside, why can't I handle adversity. How come I get angry at litle stupid things.

For example. Tonight, I'm studying for exams. My boyfriend and I mate a date to talk tonight. My boyfriend lives in another town. So, I hit him up on MSN and ask if we are still on for the phone-date. He replays; "Oh I'm going out. My friend just got into down and we are meeting at "Jakes" house". I got really mad/dissapointed and sad. We haven't talk for two hole day's. We are used to talk every single night. I know I felt bad about this. He is a sweet guy and I know he wouldn't hurt my feelings. BUT it was his idea to make a phone date tonight. I wasn't sure because I'm studying but he persist. And then this happens. And I can't help thinking "how come he didn't just ring and tell me about his change plans"? A short phone call would have been better than none! If I haven't talked to him on MSN, would he tell me about his changed plans...

Am I so wrong to be angry/sad or am I just making a big deal out of notthing.

Sometimes I'm not sure if my feelings are right.

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