Symphony

Feeling lonely is a horrible horrible feeling. I some times wonder how I can feel so alone but still be happy. Is it really possible to have these mixed feelings and still be okay? Or does it mean that you aren't okay.

I haven't written here in a while. I moved to a new town (like I talked about in my first blog) that is a 8 hour drive away from where I grew up and where my family and friends are. I moved to be with the one that I love. I wonder how I can be so lonely, sad and happy all at once. I have lived here for almost 9 months and it's sometimes sooo hard. Sometimes I get this rush of a feeling that I'm totally alone. A overwhelming sadness comes over me.
I don't have any friends here. I have no one to hang out with except my boyfriend. I long for just one good girlfriend, someone to hang out with and talk to. I'm not the type that makes friends easily. I have always been some what of a loner but still in my hometown I had good friends that I hang out with. I had my family and I had my dog, oh how much I miss her! She gave me so much joy! I'm shy and so unbelieveably clumsy in communications. There for I don't put myself out there, my cousin that I talk to very much tells me every time that I have to put myself out there, I have to try to make friends. No one is going to do it for me, I just have to start small and work it out from there. But just the thought of putting myself out there gives me a bad feeling and I just want to crawl into bed and watch Friends and "live" my life through TV. It's some how much easier.

I have talked to my boyfriend about this and it just made him worried about me and sad, because he is the reason I moved out here. So now I don't want to talk to him about this. I don't want him to feel bad, because it was my choice and I was happy about it. I was excited to try something new (but at the same time scared).

I have dream about being this open, fun and happy person. But instead I'm just sapply (sadly and happy) person that dose not know how to be the thing she want's to be...