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Totally New to this

December 6th, 2010

I have never done this before. But I figure what the heck no one will really read it any way.

I find myself so very alone in this vast world. I have so much love inside of me to share with the right person. But how does one find the rigt person. In my younger years it was easy to do, in fact I never dated I just got married. Something Elizabeth Taylor and I have in common. She has more experience then me and came out financially much better off. Me I married three poor saps twice each. What was I thinking???? God only knows the anwser to all of that. So you go , oh yeah I was married ahh 6 times, thats a killer no matter who you are or what you have done in life.

Then there is the blessing of having depression - it started with your disfunctional family when you were 16. So you married at 17 to another person from a dysfunctional family. It was going to be you and him against the world. The beautiful gift of the baby bundle comes along and has a disease that has only been seen 100 tines in the world. Every day from 3 months old she is not to live till the next day. Trained by Dr. Lockman Head of Neurology at the University of Mn, in order to bring her home at times. She lives to be 181/2 months old, Life at the tender age of 18 crashes to the depts of hell tht one did not know existed. But you have a six month old perfectly healthy bundle of joy that needs you and loves you. ( could there still be happiness)

Then there is the baby that you are carring that has the wrong number of chromosomes so you have an abortion, because there is no way you or your marriage could go through that pain again. Two more misscarriages and life is bleak. April is born, they say perfectly healthy, but she looks blue. 181/2 hours latter she dies in your husbands arms. he say's Allie if god takes her there is NO GOD. Who could blame him, but I had to believe in God, or I would never see Alicia again or my father who died when I was 11.

But somehow even after having two more healthy children, I could not put aside the comments that my dad did not love me or he would not of smoked and I obviously loved him more then my mother or I woluld not cry for him. The memmories of being told that my daughters died and suffered because I had sex before marriage.

Thus at at age 23 I had a nevous breakdown, and depression before my last two blessings were born. After they were born I found Alcohol and used it to be numb from Jan 10th 1985 until Nov 19th 1987, when the Alcohol had me, I was ready to die and my depression had me even worse. I had no idesa who I was or what I felt.

Sober, my husband did not want me, served with divirce papers in treatment I needed to find a way to go on with all the pain and loss. He took my living children from me for about 6 months. I made friends and spoke the truth of my life for the first time. I met a man that I thought would be sober with me and raise my children in a christian pain free home as I had always prayed for. 7years of sobriety was all he could muster. Then there was the all too happy man at the AA club to tell me that husband was using and cheating on me. Oh the spiritual mask he wore well. Husband three--- and nervouse break down two with severe depresion.

All husbands out of the way I always seemed to blossom in my careers and until the children found it necessary to meet their biological father did ok in mother hood. Husband two had adopted all three children and husband 1 -biological father one re-entered the childrens lives. He had the BIG, house all the toys and money and a beautiful wife who was still reproducing children for him, so there were step siblings.

More depression, this time to the point of shock treatments. Once this happened I encourged the children to spend b-days, and all holidays with bio-father as I felt what did I really have to offer anyway. To this very day this is the case. I have spent many holidays alone or as far as the kids knew working. I have three fantastic kids, with 4 wonderful grand children. I have made many mistakes in life and fear they will never be in my past.

The lonelyness at times, I confes has led me to suicidal acts, that have not worked. Many times today I am just too tierd to try again, not that the thoughts are not there.

It is christmas time once again, I hate it. My best memory is when Alicia learned to giggle and laugh on her 1st. and only christmas. I miss her and it has been over 30 years. No one seems to understand this. I got very close to my one gradson Logan, he was with me most of his first three years, then mommy married had another baby and took him to live with her full time. Boy, I prayed for this, but the pain was like that of loosing another child. Shhhhhhhhhhhhh can not tell anyone this! My daughters are not talking to me, one feels I took her ex's side in something paramont, however I took my grandchilds side and hers, ( She will know this when she goes to heaven.} The only way I see Isaiah is through her ex. My youngest daughter, well she does not talk to me because I failed to call her in a timely manner to let her know that I could not watch her children ona week end a few months ago, I had an aid still carring for me from a work accident that has changed my entire life. Long story short I was afraid to call, as if I do not watch the kids I do not see the kids. I was sick and I was wrong in not calling, she stormed out and said she would call latter that was a few months ago. Then Amy's Ex found out that My youngest was having marital problems and wrote an e-mail to them, somehow this is my fault. Thus my Son Andrew has called me about every day for several month realizing that my depression is soooo bad that at times I can hardly stand it. I try to be a good daughter to my mother of 89 years. I have long ago forgiven her for her hurtful comments and actions, I pray for her to pass peacefully in her sleep.

My brothers are way older then me and once mother passes I will more then likely not hear from them again. I try to stay in the NOW, but my mind wonders often. I long to be loved and to love.

have done in life.


 

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