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distant glow

Some days I feel Completely distant,  like life is growing all around me and here I am stuck watching everyone doing better for themselves.  Why can't I do the same? Why is it so hard for me to get the motivation to do the same. When can I be happy? I've realized that I cannot remember when the last time I was ever truly happy.... when will it end..

intro

It's become quite apparent that I need help. Why is that such a hard thing to say to people you know? My life well it's been a rollercoaster full of highs and lows and recently it's been a lot of lows. I lost my best friend, the one person who I thought knew me betrayed me to become popular and I was sold cheap. Someone I loved and trusted for 15 years who had no regrets for treating me like utter crap. I guess that is one starting point for my spiral into the darkness. After that it was even harder to place my trust into people, relationships were out of the question, but sex well I love it and I became promiscuous. I turned to alcohol and sex as a way to deal with being sad, bored, depressed, tired of having such" bad luck" in every aspect of my life.  Alcohol brought out the fun side of me, usually I'm quite, shy, introvert but alcohol gave me friends and laughs and fun times but it also gave me be nights like last night. I never have tried drugs and never cared to but last night I did and I freaked out why I don't really know. But I,found myself in the arms of some guy I,would never consider and I feel completely sick and disgusted. Why couldn't I just say goodnight and go home I was in a good mood was a little bit buzzed why did I have to continue to drink?  I keep finding reasons to drink and it's getting out of control and I am sad, I don't have any good friends to hang out with here I hate this town. I find myself being completely bored all the time and I find ways to self destruct acting like everything's okay when in fact it's not. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel like a disappointment. I'm suck. I know what I need to do but finding the effort is hard. I'm not this person I'm acting like right now. This person I see disgusts me.

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