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My life today

I had a great day at work today after a four day break away from my kids. They missed me and I really missed them. Then, their mom and I took them to McDonald's playplace and they had the time of their lives. (lol) They made me happy. Once I came home, I don't know what came over me. I just laid in bed and looked through my phone at twitter and facebook posts of one my ex-coworkers who was murdered Saturday. Very depressing for me. I couldn't stop myself from looking though. It's very tragic and unfortunate what happened to him. I haven't seen him or even spoken to him since I stopped working at the airport. It saddened me something terrible though. It makes me really hate life smh. Just an hour ago, there was a shooting next door to my house. Three people were shot. I'm not sure if anyone died but either way it's depressing. I strongly despise violence! It's so freaking ignorant and stupid! I haven't even eaten dinner yet. I don't have an appetite whatsoever. Result of extreme anxiety. I have homework that's past due, but I can't even do it because I know I won't be able to focus. I don't want to fail my classes but at the same time I have the temptation to just give up on life. I feel like waking up one day and not handling any of my responsibilities at all. I always end up finding a reason not to give up. The urge does drive me insane though. My boyfriend is my main  motivation. I truly love him more than life. He does tend to stress me out a lot though but mainly because he's not doing things the way I think he should. Maybe I'm just crazy. He always tells me I'm not though. He tells me that I tell him nothing but positive things and that I'm a big inspiration to him. I know he truly loves me so much and he's the reason why I can never give up. At the same time, he can't help me with my anxiety and depression. When we're not in person or talking or the phone, I'm depressed or stressed all over again. It's obviously serious issues that I have within myself. I'm strongly considering going to therapy, but I also have issues with talking about my problems when asked. This is just so much easier for me. But, will someone on here help me out? I'm very anxious and depressed and I need help. That's it for now. Good night.

Summary of my life

I was born abroad in the country my father had studied. We came to the U.S. when I was only two years old. I have five sisters and four brothers. I'm the third oldest but also the shortest. I actually like being short though. My parents has been married for twenty-seven years, even though right now, divorce seems right around the corner. I have a boyfriend who I've been with for five years; we've been through the WORST of times and also good times too. I literally feel like I can't live without him even though he drives me crazy! (lol) I have anxiety and depression issues. I try to control them to the best of my ability, but sometimes it's just too overwhelming. I'm a Nanny and I absolutely love caring for young children. I'm very independent and outgoing. I tend to be an workaholic but I think that stems from trying to run away from my issues. I love being goofy and making people laugh. I am such a peoples person but only because I despise being alone. You can't look at me and tell I'm depressed or anxious. Majority of the time I am though. My entire high school years I was in a deep depression and cut myself very often. I stopped cutting once I graduated high school in 2009. I've only cut maybe four or five times since then. Lately I've been getting tempted often. I seriously need the help so I don't completely go back.

Fast forward to today; I've been in a bad mood literally all day. This morning, I went to the Breast Cancer Walk with my sisters and brother. We had to wait for my sister's co-workers before we could register. We got to the park at 8:30am and her co-workers didn't arrive until a few minutes after 10am. It was freezing cold and I wasn't dressed warm enough to my liking. Now I have a head cold and I think I'm getting sick. That's very frustrating for me. I felt very exhausted all day. That's very frustrating for me. I bought a battery for my boyfriend's cellphone and it turned out that the phone just didn't work anymore. That frustrated me. I still haven't purchased my own vehicle yet even though I really need one. That's very frustrating for me. The past few days, I've used a bit of my savings that I really shouldn't have used. That's very frustrating for me. My boyfriend is still unemployed and not even trying to get employed. That's very frustrating for me. I live with my parents because I can't afford to take care of my boyfriend, myself, along with rent, and plenty of other bills. That's very frustrating for me. My parents argue daily and my mother constantly threatens to leave my father. That's very frustrating for me. I wish I made more money so that I can afford everything I want/need. That's very frustrating for me. I shouldn't always be frustrated but I am. I need help. That's it for now. I need rest for work in the morning. Good night.

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