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Just a little longer...

First off, I'd like to thank the two people who gave me some great encouragement on my last blog. Thank you so much; you know who you are. I finally got my psychiatrist appointment booked. Only took a year!? But, at least I have it and that at least gives me some relief. I'm really looking forward to talking to someone who can help get me on the right track. I don't want to hate life because I simply can't provide a good, positive life for my beautiful child if I'm unhappy. My appointment is in a month from now. I'll write a blog letting you know how it went. If anything goes awry in the meantime; I will of course be writing another little rant/blog. R76

Lost

Well, well, well. Here I am again. I feel as though my depression is evolving into some sort of supreme entity. An entity that possesses such a great grip on my life that I'm finally beginning to lose the motivation to fight it. Damn it! What the hell is the point of it all? I'm truly living just because I don't want to traumatize my child. I've been on a waiting list now for two years waiting to see a psychiatrist. That in itself is ridiculous. I've considered voluntarily checking myself into a psych ward. But, those places frighten the crap out of me. My whole life; I've barely been scraping by. In fact, there are only two instances in my adulthood in which I've felt like "hey, this isn't so bad; I'm actually happy." How pathetic is that? It shouldn't be this damn hard. I really despise my life except for my child of course. I miss my ex (my child's mother). I've dated since and I just can't find someone that I connect with. My ex has struggles with her partner. But, even if/when things fall apart; I know that she won't consider seeing me again. The first few years we were together is was truly magical. We planned and had a beautiful child together. She is the most amazing, caring, artistic charismatic child I've ever met. But, I get so down, that I even get annoyed with her. I love that child more than anything and it kills me when I happen to get annoyed with her. There's absolutely no excuse for me to get annoyed with her. She's just being a kid and here I am being a grumpy bastard. Luckily, I can keep that in check 99.9% of the time. But, even that .1% is enough to make me feel like trash. The fact that I'm a good dad and very patient makes it that much harder on her when I do become grumpy. Well, I've got to go. But, I had to get some of this off of my chest. Would someone please give me some words of encouragement and tell me I'm not a horrible father? Please? I've never asked for encouragement before. But, I feel I really need a hug, even if it is a cyber-hug. R76

Where art thou infinite sadness?

I'm so tired of this condition/disease/disorder or however you'd like to classify it. Things are exceptionally well and I'm still struggling with this depressive state of mind. It's so frustrating. The weather is beautiful; I'm getting out more. I am also getting in shape again. But, that damn cloud of gloom just won't dissipate. I've found a group in the city I live in for peer support. But, my damn anxiety has kept me from going and it is something I need to do on my own. I want to go to a group in which I can keep my anonymity. Albeit, I live in a small city with a small population. So, I'm bound to run into someone I know. But, I'm hoping not. I really need to drag my ass out. If and when I finally do; I will post how it went. I think it's time that I stop depending on people who just don't understand depression. I'm so tired of the following statements: "just shake it off," or "why do you let that bother you so much?" and the pretentious "buck-up and get over it, like I do." "Like I do?" The key word in that sentence is "I." I'm not you and you're not in my shoes. These people are so arrogant and think they've got the world and everyone presiding in it figured out. In my experience; it's people that make the above statements that don't have a clue and lack the ups and downs that life throws at some of us. These ups and downs are greatly intensified when you are suffering from depression or any type of anxiety disorder. I've hit bottom far too many times. If I hit it again; I'll just fall through into oblivion. Well, this will suffice for my rant today. Keep on keeping on. R76

Finally

I am so relieved and happy today. All of my financial woes came to a swift halt yesterday. I'm still in the rising stage after being down for so long. But, I'm feeling a hell of a lot better than I was. I can finally write a positive blog. It's amazing how hopeless things feel when I'm in such a rut. I was so numb. However, I think that's what saved me from going too far down the spiral. I'm going to keep it brief. I feel I'm getting better at accepting that I shouldn't stress about things that I have no control over. At the same time, I got my arse in gear and took care of business. Now, I can truly enjoy my summer. I wish all of you a splendid summer and I hope that I have nothing but positive experiences to add from now on. If not, I hope at least that my positive blogs will outweigh the negative ones. R76

Something's got to give..

I can't wait for the day that I can write a positive blog. Ugh, what a week. I missed a full week of work due to my back. So, on top of all the other crap that I'm going through; now my back decides to act up. It's times like these that I wonder if there is some powerful force out there beyond our/my comprehension. Something out there like the gods/godesses of ancient times. Using us as entertainment and receiving joy from our suffering. That's the thing that sucks about being an Atheist I guess; I've got nothing to blame the obstacles in my life on except myself. Everything seems to become surreal in such instances. Here I am. One week left to come up with nearly a thousand bucks to pay my rent and I've missed a full week of work. Now, I'm tearing my ass off and trying to figure out how to make this much cash in no less than a week. I mean, come on. Something's got to give. I feel myself becoming detached from this world. It's a strange feeling. I'm here and I can see everything falling apart. Yet, I'm not anxious; I'm not upset; I'm a little pissed. But, that's it. I feel that my anxiety and depression have been exhausted to the point that I'm no longer able to feel anything but dazed and somewhat confused. This new feeling of neutrality and numbness has me somewhat concerned. I'm wondering if this is a permanent thing or if, within the days to come; I'm going to have a complete meltdown. I'd love to hear if anyone else goes through what I'm about to write. When things are completely chaotic and life is kicking you down; do you ever get the feeling that "hmm, I don't think I'll be around much longer anyway." Or "for some reason I don't see myself reaching my next birthday." It's like, I'm so much into the present that I can't see myself in the future. It's nothing suicidal..it's just a feeling. Anyhow, I'll leave it at that. Keep on keeping on. R76

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