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Gone, Gone, Gone

This is my first blog. I highly doubt it will be my last. In a condesnsed explanation of my life I have suffered from depression for most of my life. I'm 37 and was diagnosed when I was 19. I'm sure I was suffering before then however. I have a little girl. She just turned 7. She was born a couple of months after my 30th birthday and that I find kind of intense. Knowing that when she turns 10 I'll be 40; when she turns 20, I'll be 50 and so on. After my daughter was born; I was filled with so much awe and joy. I thought to myself "I'll never think of ending my life again." Boy, I was wrong. It's a constant struggle.It's that perpetual state of wondering what the hell is it all for? I use realist as my nick cause it means something to me. I'm an athiest, I don't believe that we are the only one's in this universe. The universe is far from completely explored and from what scientists say; it's infinite. So, how the hell can we be the only ones around? It comes across as kind of arrogant; those that are devout in believing we are alone in the universe. Anyhow, I apologize for that little tangent. I really mean no offense. I'm an open-minded individual. I'm quite left wing to be honest. But, I find this to cause me some grief as well. It's like I've got all of this factors in my life that are contributing to my depression. I just wish there was a way of training my mind to look at things differently. But, I can't. I know what the world is. I know how people are. I know cruelty. I've had my heart, esteem and whole being shredded so many times in the past and present that it's becoming exhausting to mend.

I write because it allows me to look at my life in the 3rd person. I'm writing online because I welcome feedback and hope that I can provide knowledge through experience to people that are going through the same hurdles.

As I said, I've suffered from depression for most of my life. However, for me (and I'm sure most of us) I have my triggers that allow the darkness to envelope me. Finance is my biggest trigger. I need that feeling of security; if I don't feel it. I spiral out of control. Soon, the light at the end of the tunnel becomes a dim pinhole of light that I'm struggling to hang on to.

Please excuse my tangents. But, another tad of my history is this; suicide. I have had two attempts at suicide which I will openly admit were a cry for help. There is one however, that I very nearly died from an overdose. I had to be recussitated. I have no recollection of the hospital experience other than waking up and having to drink that horrible charcoal slurpy. I remember feeling dissappointed and angry. I was young at the time. Only 22, and had moved back in with my folks about a year and a half before this after moving out for just a few months. Anyhow, so I wake up. My mother is there and she tells me to tell the doctor that I was suffering from a leg injury and took more painkillers than I was supposed to, to get rid of the pain. The truth was this; I was home alone. Both of my parents were on a fair amount of various medications at that time. Plus, gravol and anything else I could get my hands on. I wanted to make sure I had enough. So I can remember making a big jug of juice and grabbing a glass. I can't drink that juice to this day. It brings me right back to that moment and makes me retch. Back to the planning. My plan was to grab all the pills in the house; head upstairs to my bedroom and scramble for a pen and paper. I found a pen, and for paper I used the edges of my daily crossword puzzle. I used this to take a tally of how many pills I had taken. I wanted to make sure I took enough to get the job done. That meant not taking the gravol first because that would make me drowsy and I may not get enough pills in my system to do the job. Anyway, the long and short is that I can't remember how many pills I tallied before passing out. It was well over 100 though. I became very groggy and then; right when I was about to dose off into what I though at that time was my death. The phone rings. I think; I'd better pick it up or the folks are going to get worried. They knew I was home and in the dumps. I had to pick up; act normal and get off the phone as quick as possible. That didn't happen. I have never felt so tired in my life. Just drained. The amount and effort of energy it took just to say hello was unfathomable. I had to have a conversation like this. Struggling just to respond, and slurring. Of course, my mother picked up on it and knew something was up. From here on it's flashes. My father, though a big and strong man couldn't lift me because he had an accident a couple years previous to this in which he ruptured two discs in his back. My mother is just 5 feet tall and would never be able to lift a 245lb man. So, they get me dressed and I have flashes of sliding down the stairs on my ass like a young child would do for fun. Then I have a rapid flash of struggling to not get in the car. An extremely swift flash of being held down while something was being driven down my throat. But, I then blacked-out. According to my parents, it took two LPNs, two RNs, two Doctors and my folks to hold me down for the stomach suction. They were unable to keep it down long due to my struggle that I had to drink a boatload of that charcoal slushy.


So, present day. Single dad. Love my daughter. I was so happy for the past 7 months. It just gave me that feeling of "you did it buddy." I got a good job and a new apartment for us. Although, the money was/is decent; I didn't realize how much I was depending on my savings. That is, until one day. One day I noticed I didn't have enough for a bill. Then I realized that I probably wasn't going to have enough for rent either. The panic and anxiety set in with a vengeance. I should also add that I started seeing someone a few months back and fell in love. Over five years since I allowed myself to truly love somebody. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and was head over heals for this woman. About a month ago we had a disagreement about something and things just didn't fit after that. I still love her. It hurts like a son of a bith. But, that's all ya can do. We're on a break for a month. Though, I believe it's over. We get together; we still have sex and act like a couple when we're together in that moment. But, after that; it's pick up and go time. I'm feeling used. I was there for her a lot at the begining of our relationship. Then I become depressed and distant. But, this not only concerns her; it annoys her. Even though she won't admit it; she is suffering from the same condition. Just with different triggers. Anyhow, I make the mistake of bringing up the suicide thing. I, to this day, still do not know why I would bring up such a thing. I find out later, during a long mature discussion about why we should take a break.


--------------------------------------The Break----------------------------------------


So, june 1st and we're on our break. I told her during our discussion that my feeling would slowly but surely unwind. But, I was wrong. It sucks and I'm mad at myself. I'm frustrated. Why the hell can't people understand that some of us go through this? Why does that change who I am? I may become distant, and look preoccupied. But, I'm still me; and as soon as I figure out the solution to the problem that's affecting me; I'll be fine again. I can see her concern I guess. That's what makes me feel so depressed about the whole situation. If I were able to hide my panic and anxiety; things would probably still be the same. I say probably because there is also a part of me that wonders if she's scared. But, I've said my piece to her and I'm not going to be that weird person who can't let go. I have more pride than that. I just know that; if we truly are over. Then, I really don't think Ill have another meaningful relationship. I won't be able to let my guard down again. Not for the pain it causes. I guilty of this too however. I've led past lovers into believing I was in love with them when I wasn't. Maybe it's karma.

Well, I guess that's more than enough for now. If you stayed with me and have any questions or anything to add; please feel free.




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