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I Will Never Fall in Love Again

Elvis Costello's song "I Will Never Fall in Love Again;" Is suiting to how I feel right now. I spent the past 5 years sleeping around because I had given up on love. I thought it was a cliche; honestly, I thought it was downright pathetic and utter bullshit. But, I met this lady a few months back and due to the way she made me feel; I fell for her. I kept my distance at first. But, she made me feel so special, so important and loved that I caved. I felt it was time to take a chance. Shortly after I caved she began pulling away. I did everything for her. I learned so much from my previous relationship. I learned that I royally fucked up. I learn from my mistakes and I never make the same mistake twice (unless it has to do with love apparently). Anyhow, I've got a bunch of other shit going on in my life. I'm struggling to pay my bills. I'm honestly struggling with suicidal thoughts and now I've got a broken heart on top of all of this to deal with. I feel like I need to defrag (all my fellow nerds will get that). I need to organize my thoughts. Put things in the right order for optimum performance. I can't afford to put myself in such jeopardy any more. I'm a single father and I have the most amazing little girl. I really don't want her to see how much I'm clawing my way through life. She doesn't know what's going on; but, I'm sure she senses that something is off. I'm drinking too much. More than I ever have before. I don't do this when my daughter is home of course. Not only because it's irresponsible. But, if there were ever an emergency where I needed to drive...well, you get the picture. My family is too messed up to get advice from. I borderline despise them. I have no one to seek any form of comfort from. So, this is why I've started blogging. I've already started in on my wicked ways of serial dating. I've gotten good at picking out the women whom are only interested in a one-night stand or a brief stint dating for the sole purpose of sex. I figure this is easier. My daughter doesn't meet any of these women. So, there's no risk of her feeling hurt or abandoned. Which brings me to another topic under this umbrella of emotional chaos. The lady I was seeing was adamant about our kids meeting. I was fine with it. But, I set the condition that if our kids get close and things end; I want them to stay friends. So, here we are. No longer together, and she pulled back on our agreement about the kids. Unbelievable. Anyone reading this that draws people into believing that you're in love with them when either you're not; or you're scared shitless and will most likely back out; do us a favour and piss-off. Life is too damn short for that nonsense. In closing, I have suicidal thoughts. I'm 99.9% sure they will never come to fruition because I love and care about my daughter too much to put her through that. I had a room mate many years ago who lost his father due to suicide when he was around 8 years old. It completely fucked him up. I will not do that to my daughter. I just need shit to settle down. One of the shittiest things about this is that I know I won't allow myself to be vulnerable enough to fall in love again. No matter how much a partner may try to convince me that they feel that way toward me. I'm done; it's not worth the risk. I will never fall in love again. R76

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