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Well, well, well. Here I am again. I feel as though my depression is evolving into some sort of supreme entity. An entity that possesses such a great grip on my life that I'm finally beginning to lose the motivation to fight it. Damn it! What the hell is the point of it all? I'm truly living just because I don't want to traumatize my child. I've been on a waiting list now for two years waiting to see a psychiatrist. That in itself is ridiculous. I've considered voluntarily checking myself into a psych ward. But, those places frighten the crap out of me. My whole life; I've barely been scraping by. In fact, there are only two instances in my adulthood in which I've felt like "hey, this isn't so bad; I'm actually happy." How pathetic is that? It shouldn't be this damn hard. I really despise my life except for my child of course. I miss my ex (my child's mother). I've dated since and I just can't find someone that I connect with. My ex has struggles with her partner. But, even if/when things fall apart; I know that she won't consider seeing me again. The first few years we were together is was truly magical. We planned and had a beautiful child together. She is the most amazing, caring, artistic charismatic child I've ever met. But, I get so down, that I even get annoyed with her. I love that child more than anything and it kills me when I happen to get annoyed with her. There's absolutely no excuse for me to get annoyed with her. She's just being a kid and here I am being a grumpy bastard. Luckily, I can keep that in check 99.9% of the time. But, even that .1% is enough to make me feel like trash. The fact that I'm a good dad and very patient makes it that much harder on her when I do become grumpy. Well, I've got to go. But, I had to get some of this off of my chest. Would someone please give me some words of encouragement and tell me I'm not a horrible father? Please? I've never asked for encouragement before. But, I feel I really need a hug, even if it is a cyber-hug. R76


Comment from: johnjd_cmu [Member] Email
Hey keep on fighting this crap. Depression doesnt have to overpower us. Try to find one good thing out of every day. I know its hard but eventually things do get better. One of the hardest things I ever did was get myself checked into a psych ward cause I also was deathly afraid of them. However, I was also deathly afraid of what I would do if I didnt get the help I needed. I found just like the 12 step programs that I had been in for years that the people for the most part were there to get better. Some were worse then others and needed more attention and had many other problems going on but there were many like me who were just suffering through severe anxiety and depression. It was a safe place for me to share my problems and get feedback and options on how to begin to turn my life around. It also gave me the opportunity to get myself on medicine to help make the anxiety and depression not so hard to handle. I had the choice to find what worked for me also it wasnt just give me every anti depressant in the world so that I fade away from society..We found a drug that helped ease the depression and anxiety but still allowed me to keep a sharp mind, and they gave me some stuff that could knock me out if the anxiety turned into a severe panic attack. I also now have a place where I can talk about what is going on in my life now. People understand, care and can relate and that is something that I couldnt always get from my family and friends. It will get better keep on working at it.
09/06/13 @ 18:24
Comment from: musiclife [Member] Email
Isn't everything we do for the love of our family. From what you've said, all you are doing is for the love of your daughter, and that in itself, proves that you are an amazing father. Just try to keep going as we all are and keep the love in your heart. *cyber hug*
09/07/13 @ 22:20

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