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I think I've had depression for probably about 7 or 8 years now. I don't have health insurance, so I've never gotten an actual diagnosis. I have suicidal thoughts every now and again, but I've never made any attempts. Sometimes the thoughts are born out of emotional distress, and it's very melodramatic. Other times, most often, they're just casual thoughts, similar to thinking I can go to the store and get bread.


Everything feels so heavy and insurmountable. I often just go hungry because in order to eat, there's a whole litany of other tasks that would have to be accomplished first. If I'm going to cook, I'd have to do dishes (because there's rarely any clean dishes), then I'd have to do the work of actually cooking. Or if I go out to get food, that comes with its own set of problems.


I work full time, Monday through Friday, and a short shift on Saturdays. Sometimes it really seems like if I didn't *have* to get out of bed at an appointed time almost every day, then I'd be okay. If I could just sleep in, and get up when I wanted to, and didn't have to rush through a shower and putting on clothes because I'm late. And I'm always late.


My triggers seem to be focused on being able to find the things that I need. If I ca'nt find a certain shirt, or if someone's eaten food that I wanted, or if I can't figure out how to pay a certain bill, then I go into a tailspin.


Every weekend, it seems, I go into a tailspin. I usually get a migraine. It  can show up as early as Thursday evening or wait to come out until Sunday morning, but when it hits, I'm broken. I can fix it if I can just make it to the medicine cabinet and take an Excedrin. That at least takes the pain away. But sometimes, most times, it's just easier to lay in bed, pretending that I'm asleep.


I have long lists of the things that I will do when my life is better. I will stick to a cleaning schedule, an exercise routine, I will eat healthy foods, and have healthy interactions with other people. Not only will my bedroom not have dirty clothes all over, but it will be clean and organized and have pretty pictures on the wall. I will have money in my savings account and I will invest. I will own multiple houses, rent them out and make money. I will own my own cafe, work for myself. I will be safe and secure and happy. Right now, I can't even make myself go to bed on time.


I think there are certain things I can do to try and "fix" things (myself) before I can see a doctor. I already take a Vitamin D supplement, which does help some. I tried Sam-E, but I didn't notice any difference. I'm supposed to exercise. Whenever anyone talks about things you can do for depression, they almost always say exercise right at the top of the list. I don't exercise.


I feel like I am a giant unfinished project. I have to build up motivation and determination. How do you do that? I am a lazy person who consistently makes poor choices. I always stay up too late and then feel like shit the next day. How do you flip that switch and be a person who is able to say "No, now I am going to bed."?

Maybe that will be my goal for this week. It's an easy goal, so here's hoping I can meet it.

This week, starting tonight, I will be in bed by 10pm every night.

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