For the past few days I'm not feeling well. It's been 3-4 days and all I've been feeling is shitty. It's been a month since my new school year in a new school has started. Today wasn't as worst as the past 3 days. In the morning I was feeling pretty good, but as the day start to end, I start to feel horrible.

My thoughts of worthlessness has come back to me. I feel worthless and lonely. I feel stupid, I feel dumb, I just feel shitty. I don't know what to do every time I feel like I want to cry. And when I do, because of how independent and strong I try to make myself seem, I hold in my tears and it just doesn't come out anymore.

Lately I've been very curious about bipolar depression. I have always question myself on if I have this personality disorder ever since I was 7, but I never have the chance to tell my doctor anything about this. I really want to step forward and figure out the truth about me. I've been looking up bipolar depression and comparing my symptoms with the symptoms of bipolar depression. I match up with quite a few. Don't they say that some personality disorder can be past on by genetics? My grandma died of suicide and my dad has/had depression. How can I step forward and what are some of the ways I can help myself find out if I have this personality disorder? I feel embarrassed talking about something feeling related with strangers, like my doctor.

Today is the third day of high school. Lately, I've been feeling lonely. I made a few friends, but I don't feel close enough to them. I eat my lunch alone. I then ride the train, and then bus home alone. Sure, I do talk with them during school and hang out with them on my frees, but once they are gone, and we say, "see you tomorrow", I still feel lonely. I feel like I have no one to talk to about my feelings. Or complain to. But the one that matters mostly, is that I have no one currently to open up to and show them the true me to. I have quite a few close upper grade friends. But because they are a grade above me, we have no classes together.

Oh, btw.. I'm a freshman. And I strongly dislike how when you try to talk to another freshman, then give you this super fake smile, and then there's that super weird conversation. Mostly starting with, "Oh, so. What schedule are you having? :)" I understand people just wants to make friends since we're new to the school, and smiling is just a sign of "being friendly" but it's kinda creepy when you hold the smile for too long. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I just hope that sooner or later, I feel like I can belong somewhere and have a tight knitted group of friends. For now, I'll try to focus on my studies and improving myself in becoming a better person inside and out.

They say I'm shy. I'm quiet. And that really bothers me. When they say I'm one of these, it makes me feel and think:
1. They don't know me and what I am like
2. I'm boring to them
I'm the type of person that do things depending on how I'm feeling. If I'm tired, I don't bother trying to make conversations or keep the conversation going. If I'm energetic and feeling extremely happy, I can act pretty weird, and talk a lot. About a whole bunch of things. I can talk about anything, and come up with anything witty to say in a second.

I guess by now, you can tell that I like that more energetic and happy side of me more. And I guess I do. But it just so happens that I seem to fall into the tired me more. And every time I do, I feel shitty. I just feel like people don't want to talk to me or become my friend. That I'm boring. I start over thinking and I feel upset. And then, I feel even more tired. So when you seem me in tired mode, don't just leave me hanging. Stay with me. Pull me out of this shitty-ness. I overthink. And I start feeling upset. And worthless. And unmotivated. And..etc..

So..I might go through a break up soon. Problem is, it's mostly up to me. Why am I stupid? Why did I get myself into another relationship problem when I just got over one this March? I don't get it. Why am I stupid? But the point is not this. Right now, the point is whether or not I want to break up. And I just don't know. In my past relationship, I've been in a long distant relationship. It didn't work. So now, I just don't believe in them. At least not when it's used on me and my relationships. It's a really difficult decision to make.. I'm only 2 days into the school year and I'm already in a down mood. I don't want it to be any worst..but what can I do? What do I do...?

I've been "close" with this guy for 5-6 months now. It first started off with him chasing me, and I ended up fall for him. We are facing issues right now, but it's not like we haven't before. We aren't official because of my "problems". I was scarred from my last relationship, since I'm pretty serious about this stuff. Now, I'm just scared of getting into a relationship fearing that my other half would fall for another girl while with me. Although we aren't official, I treat him like a lover because I know he feels the same way I feel for him. Whenever he comes for a hug, I don't push him away. Instead, I let him hug me, or hug him back for some very long seconds. He would hold me closely, kinda like cuddling with me, and I wouldn't push him away. I don't flirt with other people, or develop feelings for others because I care for his feelings. I would try my best to spend time with him even though he lives far away.

Anyways, getting onto the point here..
-I just don't feel like he cares. Whenever I need him he doesn't seem to be there for me, or asks me what's wrong. Because of this, whenever I feel down I call up this other guy friend and talk to him. Even without myself verbally telling him my problem(s), he can tell that I'm crying and upset. And he's just a friend. How can someone who likes you, and you like too, not figure out the fact that I'm upset while my other friend can? I don't get it. Everytime I'm upset, the way I type changes, and my vibe changes too. All I want him to do is show that he cares for me through his actions which it didn't seem like he shows.

-Since this is a teen relationship, it's complicated the fact that his parents doesn't give him allowence, but only once in a while. Because I understand this, I don't expect him to give me gifts. I'm not that into them either. But I do like surprises. What I'm trying to say is, through our 6 months together, I was expecting at least one gift. Just one to show me how much I actually mean to him. So whenever I see the gift, it reminds me of him, and makes me feel a bit happier. But through our 6 months together, there was not even one gift. I don't want to make it seem that way, but it makes me feel as if I'm not as important to him.

-We've never been out on a official date just with each other. When we do go out, it's with our friends. I do yearn for some alone time.

Conclusion:

Honestly, I wasn't expecting myself to fall for another guy some months after the break up with my ex. And my heart hasn't fully opened up. The fear is still there. I know that this fear would never leave me, and I am trying my best, but how can I make sure that I can believe in him, if he can't show me that he cares about me? How can I just give him my heart and hope that he stays commited if we're ever going into a long term relationship that I am considering? This makes things very confusing..
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These are just a few factors of why I feel like he doesn't care about me, or that I'm not really important to him. He told me that he'll prove his love for me through his actions, but I can't see any. I'm really sorry if I bothered you guys and wasted your time reading my unorganized and grammatically errored writing, but I really need to let my feelings out. I'm feeling stress due to this and I don't know what to do. I really need to write it down. Thanks for understand! <3 I wish you all the best of luck in facing your problems, and over coming them ^^