Second post. And I'm gonna be real blundt here.

I suffered through depression. Went right off the deep end, and trust me- it was deep. It was a no ending sea of deep and utter despair. And when one is in deep and utter despair, his universe is turnt upside down. And not only upside down but inside out. Everything that made him once happy, does not even make him smile any more. Things he once cared deeply for mean nothing more than a grain of wheat. Things that seemed impossible and absolutely unacceptable are now a regular part of his life.

And let me explain this more, and this is to let you know two things. If you are on the receiving end of the depression- that yes, even from all that I have rised and beat it- and so can you. And if you are on the, let's say, fortunate side of the picture, aka not going through this yourself but helping a friend, than this is to help you realize a drop of what I imagine he is going through. Whether you shall ever truly understand somebody who is depressed if you have never experienced it- I highly doubt it and will even go as far as to say- no, you do not and never will fully understand. And although I am sure reading about it and even watching depression related movies wil give you a great insight on it, you still will not cover even a quarter of the actual feelings of somebody who is depressed.

Being depressed is not feeling sad. It is way more than that. It is feeling numb and stupid and worthless. And it feels like you will never be happy again. You don't even remember what being truly happy felt like. And it's hating yourself so much, that you don't want to be yourself. You don't want to be. Nothing interests you. Not even things that intrigued you beforehand. There is a constant glass wall right inside your head, creating a wall between your mind and the world.

And all these feelings are scarred into you, like a tattoo, so no words can erase those feelings, and and those feelings will seep through anything that tries to cover it. Trying to help somebody who is depressed is not easy, I admit it. But remember one thing- do not, and I repeat DO NOT, ever ever ever say that it is exaggerated, fake, too much, too long. Trust me, depression is hard enough living with, as there is no "real physical evidence" for its existence. It is hard enough having to live with it and not being understood by most people in his life. "Why don't you just get out of bed? Do something useful. Stop crying." One sentence like this can lead somebody who is depressed down a long long spiral. And every step down that somebody depressed make take times ten the time and effort to climb back up from.

Picking up a razor and cutting yourself is so easy. But trying to stop yourself when you feel the need to cut is so much more harder than just giving in and cutting. And yes, this explains what I said earlier about never being able to understand the mind of someone who is depressed. Because somebody who is NOT depressed can't ever even imagine cutting his own skin. And let alone have the feeling of doing so be more easier and more of a relief than NOT doing it. Absurd huh? I'm not denying it. This just comes to show how completely different the depressed universe looks like. And no, I am not romanticizing this act, or any other act of self harm. It is a horrid, horrible feeling to have to live through. That amount of self loathe, that you can bring yourself to harm yourself. And in a case like this, you must go get help! And if your friend is self harming- you must make sure he is getting help! Do not deal with this on your own, and do not let a friend deal with this on his own. Just as you would take medicine for a stomach virus, please treat this.

One thing I realized only late into my depression was that I needed  to ask for help. I had tried denying everything I was going through for so long and put on a smile for the world to see. And getting help is not something to be ashamed of. Is somebody with a cold ashamed of taking medicine?! Yes, this is a different kind of sickness. But one just the same. You did not decide to have depression. It was put in you so what is there to feel ashamed of? You do not WANT to die, it was a feeling that was placed in you just like cancer was placed in other people. Trust me, people who have suicidal thoughts do not WANT to have suicidal thoughts. They would gladly change their mind for a healthier one any day.

So this is a small insight into depression.

(I'll say this again- please feel free to ask questions. This is what I'm here for I want to help any way possible. Even if the question seems silly to you.)

p.s. Everything I wrote in this passage is related to myself alone. I have wrote from my own past and am supposing about others feelings. But surely not all people who have depression experience it the same way.)

So I'm not sure why I decided to start this blog.

But I do know that I have been through depression, and during that time, I was scared and hurting and absolutely sure that I was the only one going through what I was going through at the time, and that nobody had ever experienced pain or sadness or anything that can relate to what I was going through. Had I know that I was, in fact, very much not alone, it would have brought me much comfort.

Now, I will not go into detail about how I had come to depression. But more of how I had dealt with it. As a depressed young girl I heard two sentences very often. Those were the two most hated sentences I had ever heard at that point in my life and at times even brought me to tears just hearing them.

The first was "It gets better". Why was this such an awful saying? Because I didn't believe it. Nor do I think anybody suffering with depression ever will. Because when you are deep in you own world of depression, you can not see the way out. And furthermore, a lot of the times you don't want to see a way out. I didn't want to believe that it would get better. There is something about depression that sucks you into it and makes you think that this is how you want to be. That you like being sad and that you want to sit alone and cry until two am. Yes, I truly felt that. I do want to add though, that I believe that it does get better. Always. And that even if you don't believe it, just know that it is true.

Moving on to the second sentence that I hated hearing, this one even more so than the last is "put things into perspective, there are people suffering out there with ect". This does not comfort anybody going through depression, nor does it make them feel better. Or for their depression to "magically" disappear because others people are suffering "more" than them. Suffering and pain has no measurement. Nobody else can tell one person that he is suffering less/more than another person. Pain is so personal and just because there are people in the world who are suffering from, say, hunger, does not mean that my pain is now lesser. Each can only measure his own pain in proportion to his eown life. And if depression is the worst thing that has happened to me in my life than for me that is the worst kind of pain I have ever felt and will react as such, regardless to what other people are feeling. (I just want to point out that I am NOT disregarding other people in the world who are going through their own problems such as I mentioned earlier, hunger.) I will even go so much as to say, I did truly believe that the kind of pain I was going through was genuinely the worst, and would have gladly "switched" that emotional ache with any physical sort of pain.

That at is all I shall write for now. Hopefully this will help even in the slightest anyone who is going through depression or is close to somebody who is.

Have a good day. And feel free to ask me anything, or request another topic to write about regarding my personal experience.