Dear You,

I am completely and utterly fucked up. 
I ran away, I fell in love, I was raped, and now I am facing the probability of having an STD. I don't know what to do. It's not that I don't want help. I want it. I need it.
But I don't think anyone can help me.
I have no friends to talk to but the ones I've made on the internet. I'm insane. I'm fucking insane.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

I feel so damn confused. I'm happy but at the same time I'm not. And I feel like I'm ruining everything for everyone because I am. I feel like I'm never going to want to get better. I know it is my choice, but really, I feel like it isn't. I feel like I have no control over this and it scares me so much.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

God I'm so sorry.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

I ran from home today a few hours ago. I just walked out the door and I know it kills my parents and my sister, but I have to do it. I have to do this because if I don't then I'm going to regret it the rest of my life. I can imagine how much I've hurt them but I need to do this. I need to get away from this place and just live.

Live the way I want and smoke what I want and do what the fuck I want when I want. I don't want to grow up just yet. I just want to enjoy life at the moment and feel decent. And I will. I know I will. I will. I have to.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

I've got cigarette burns on my skin that I self inflicted on purpose while sober. They're third degree burns. I was a little high on the twenty pills I swallowed but no one checks poor motel rooms anyway. Well the alcohol didn't help and I only threw up once but who's counting. I fell in love, I heard you fucking him, I saw you choke her and carry her out the door by her neck. And I never thought I'd say this but I want to be with you both right now. I need to take care of you. You're my best friends and I love you no matter how many problems you have or how much baggage is trailing behind you. I forgave you. I forgave you for breaking my heart in two. But it still hurts more than any burn. And not being able to take care of you both kills me even more.

I haven't been home in almost a week. I was spending every night at the motel with you just so you wouldn't be alone. Just so I wouldn't be alone. And I loved it. I loved taking care of you. I loved shopping for you and handing you napkins at dinner and making you laugh in thrift stores and holding you when you were upset. And I miss hearing you say you would rather be around me, even if you no longer feel that way. I miss it. And I miss you.

Please be okay. Please be fucking okay. I will go back into the hospital with you if you're not okay. I'm about to lose it.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

I can smell the flowers blooming and the trees swaying to the world's lullaby that beats through every part of me. My bones are cracking while they thump on the wood around my house. Oaks stand tall and my feet are burning from the pursuit of happiness. I've never really wanted anything but you, and now that you're gone, I want nothing but to die. I want nothing.

So here's the thing, if you're reading this, kid. I love you. The world will keep turning when I'm gone. The trees won't stop dying and the babies won't stop being born and the children will grow and some will die but it's life. And I used to think that life was this beautiful thing. I mean, it's sunny outside and I never thought I would be killing myself on such a day. But I'm ready.

One more pill, two more pills, three more pills, and I'm done.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

I want to die. Right. Now.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

I think you saved me.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

Thank you for everything. Thank you for moving me with your words and your love. I appreciate it, but it's not enough. I have to do this. I need to do this.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

I'm sitting here in an empty house weeping. I can't breathe, I want to die, but I have no energy to take these pills. I have no energy to move. I don't even eat anymore. I just lay awake in my bed all day. I notice the designs of my ceiling that remind me of flowers in the summer and I think to myself, "Why am I even alive?" And then I think about how the trees around me are just dying and the sun is burning out and the earth will lose its rotation and people don't last and things decay and I just want to end it all before it actually does. Just to spare the immense pain it would cause to understand that you're never coming back.

I've moved on though. I've found another person that I am so deeply in love with and it makes me realize that I will always be in love with someone deeply. It's just who I am. I guess it scares me as much as it calms me down. All I really want is to be loved in return, but I would never admit this out loud. I know every person wants that whether they believe it or not, but it's not the same for me. I crave it. Everywhere I go, I fall in love with someone. I'm so easily attached to people that it breaks my spine every goddamn time when they leave.

Flowers are blooming and birds are singing and the sun is bleaching my skin and all I can think of is you, you, you. And all I dream of is us, us, us. And all I want to do is die, die, die.

Love,

Me

Dear You,

Boundaries.

I don't have them. In any relationship I go into, I need that person all the time. I try to disregard those feelings, but sometimes they just eat me up and spit me out. Sometimes I feel that boundaries aren't good because then they're just places people stay away from when those are the places that need to be discovered and mended. Other times, like last night when I was screaming in my car, all I want to do is hate everyone. And then I do until I realize that I love them too which makes me hate them even more. And I hate that process. And then I hate myself because I'm not like anyone else. No one is like me. Everything I do for others is seen as creepy when I just purely care for them in the most innocent way. And no one understands me. No one. So I guess I'm alone and no one will ever fully appreciate me as a being. It's been happening all my life since I can remember. And this is who I am. And I refuse to change. So if that means staying true to who I am and loving the way I do, then I'll remain alone.

I know what you meant when you said you didn't want to hurt me. But that doesn't fucking matter because you did in the way that everyone else has. I know you don't know what to do. I know you struggle and you pray for me and you care about me. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that you mean nothing to me because of the little side comments about my eating because you didn't know I was anorexic once. And I'm not going to be angry at you for having plans the night I saw my rapist.

I just want some respect.

Love,

Me