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Saturday, May 12th, 2012

Empty within physiological

Categories: thirdweek

My stomach is hurting me. I feel like going to toilet every half an hour or if anything I eat then my next step is toilet. Is my body telling me something? What. I am confused. Am I eating too much. ANything I eat flows down. Seems like a digestive problem. Enzymes are not acting on the food.

I also feel hungry. Then I eat and then washroom. What the hell! What do I do? Now whatever happens i will not eat for atleast 2 hour ans ee how it goes. nest update after 2 hours.

permalink 8:47am by thirdweek //2 comments 3172 views

Sunday, May 6th, 2012

Silently Lonely

Categories: thirdweek

I felt this bearable loneliness before also but it has never been so silent and alone like today. I have come out of serios stomachache becaue of overeating and I am still having loose motions.

permalink 9:39am by thirdweek //1 comment 2380 views

Friday, May 4th, 2012

Confusion! Is it growing up?

Categories: thirdweek

Do we have to fight with our fathers. Thats the only way! Talking with father does not helpl and i have nobody else in family to talk to. Except my elder brother who is like another father! It is so difficult for me.

Who are fathers? Are they biggest obstacle? Are they most criticizing agent? I cannot tolerate it! Is it normal to feel this way and go against them to prove my own worth? I feel lik eI have to keep it secret from father and do not talk about it if I want to pursue my choice of course any further. Only thing that bugs me is I have no support. I am told in the beginning that I cannot do it even if I apply for it by my father. I am disappointed to hear that from my father. Is it my mistake to expect that from my father? I miss my mother. But she would have taken my father side. Thats an excuse.

So either I do it or not. I cannot live in the middle for long, its full of anxiety. Now I want to go for action and do it and also I have to keep it secret from my father. Its is a secret in a way that i wont talk about it infront of my  father. If anyday I feel that im lacking support or losing the what can i do? I feel like full of confusion.

Now to enlighten myself, i have googled "daddy issues". let me see the links...

Is it true that talking stops between father and son? Even if we try to talk their is always a fight. I feel anger. So is it best to avoid any kind of interaction?

I am really confused. I have decided that I will go for this choice of subjects and I will not talk about it to my father anymore because clearly he disapproves. Is it the sign that my father's knowledge is limited. He is not that powerful anymore in my eyes and I am afraid of losing this fantasy. It is so complicated. Shall I go and take a step without his approval?

I have talked to my doctor and he approves of it. Infront of him, my father noddd yes.. but at home he has changed colours.. I can find a reason to forgive him and take this complication as part of growing.

And opinions. then please comment.

permalink 1:52am by thirdweek //2 comments 13121 views

Thursday, May 3rd, 2012

Doctor appointment

Categories: thirdweek

Today was appontment with doctor. Me and my dad planned an early morning visit to the doctor. But I once again failed to wake up early. I was in pain. But this morning was different. We went to doctor waited for almost 2 hours and then their was good news he deleted some of the medicines and now I have to take very few medicines. Hurray! He told me to eat well. And he was happy to know that i am thinking about my career and I have made a decision to do something..

Earlier in the chat room I used to try and talk with any woman i could as if I am hoping to date them but thanks.. and her sharing of insights I see woman in different perspective.. may be.. I think so

The lady was also present in the clinic today. She was doctor.. assistant..student.. I wonder but her presence helps.

Today when I was asking for directions, soembody told me to return from where i came and then to temple and then to police station and then to get involved in accident... I nodded yes and i left..  I hate asking directions but there was no way i could have destination today. i have to go out and people will try to kill me. Its funny. I am so innocent that I believe every word people say. I am a Yes Man. :-yes.

No i did not had an accident but I understood people were making me go here and their.. and it is very bad idea to ask for directions. People are defensive. They dont attack. But if given an opportunity they will shoot. They need a victim to be. and they will fight. I am one of them.

Today doctor started talking on the phone. And he told him few things to do like take out blood pressure instrumesnt and measure my weight and say hello to lady. Only thing i did was i said Hello to lady. Doctor said it is very nice of you. Lol.

 

permalink 9:05am by thirdweek //comment 401 views

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012

PAIN in the morning

Categories: thirdweek

Some days this pain is not much. This sufferning. Unreasonable morning pain.

LOts of dreams. Is the pain physical or emotional?  Its emotional.  Whats triggered them?

Dream. I cannot remeber them. Dreams can do weired things. The unrepressed memories. Or what? Dreams can create false memories and crave for things un necesserily. The dream world is id principle. Pleasure seeking principle.

What is the way to deal with this pain?

keep a dream journal. THis will  trigger us to remember the dreams and we can write them and forget them and live in reality principle. Aware of external world.

this is also tasking process. It needs commitment  and determination and conscious sleep. i had dream that my brother is talking to me and said tat my sister in law is in china! He tells me that we have to go to airport to recieve her.But we never go to airport.

i see outside my house and its chaotic. dad is sleeping and he is introvert and unconcerned about whats happening.

and i dont remember much. I dont want to get up.. I see my cousins in my aunts's house and they have been learning the textbook of children(i teach tution) for whole night and first thing they do in th emorning is write the answers. They were learning the answers whole night? why? iT just tells me that they have ontrolled mind during sleep.

and nothing makes sense a i look hard to know their must be some reasoning. I feel pain. and I get up and want pleasure. Dreams.. is forcing me to read the interpretation of dreams. But i have so many to read, i feel overwhelmed with lots of unfinished books. i have the habit of starting new when i am not even finished with the one.

I remembered one more dreams. one of my friend said to delete one of the facebook post because it might create scandal.. and i did so.. and in dream i recieved her miss call. god know what it means.

 

 

permalink 1:42am by thirdweek //comment 394 views

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